1. I am going to read every word as it flies towards me during this intro. That is the least I can do.
2. This is actually so much easier than reading text going straight down a page. These guys clearly know what they’re doing; I am optimistic about the rest of the film.
3. Is the guy from Inside Llewyn Davis Luke Skywalker? If he is, I’ve found him.
4. I really like the Storm Troopers’ outfits. They look so smooth. I’d really like to clean one.
5. Is that Darth Vader? I don’t think so but he does look a lot like him. He just doesn’t sound as ‘I’m breathing underwater whilst wearing a snorkel’ as I think he should…
6. Everything about this desert makes me feel stressed. Where are we going for supplies here? The odds of there being a Starbucks feel very low.
7. Oh no, Finn, that does not look like drinking water. If you manage to get through this without a stomach upset then you have much stronger insides than I do.
8. I like this little beepy football with a head, he seems friendly.
9. Looking at the food on offer, I reckon it would be hard to live on Jakku with a wheat intolerance.
10. I also really like the way the Storm Troopers sound when they run. Like it’s a brand new floor beneath them. (Note to self: They’re baddies. I don’t think I’m meant to like them at all).
11. I like this girl, she doesn’t put up with sexism in the workplace.
12. Also, is she spelling Ray like Charles or Rey like Lane Del? I need to google this.
13. Only in a film would a person (Han Solo) stop mid-crossfire to comment that he is enjoying using this particular gun. We’ll talk about it later, Han!
14. I’m laughing at a joke in a Star Wars film! (BB8’s flame thumbs up). I didn’t think there would be jokes!
15. I could go from nought to Chewbacca with just one can of hairspray.
16. If I was Poe, I would want that jacket back. Leather is NOT cheap.
17. Hang on, is that a lightsaber in that box? Where’s the rest of it?
18. Oh no look, he’s definitely not Darth Vader because that’s Darth Vader’s melted mask thing. Well done Charlotte, you’re practically an expert already.
19. Ooh it’s Adam from Girls! He must have been hot in that hat.
20. I did not realise that (Not Darth Vader) had a boss. I thought he was the boss. Perhaps this explains why he’s always so angry.
21. Oh my gosh, you press that little button to turn the lightsaber on! That is so clever.
22. Princess Leia’s hair must take HOURS.
23. I think the golden robot is C-3P0. Or is it SeethreepeeOH?
24. Ooh, they’re doing a lightsaber fight. I wonder if this will give me a headache – strip lights always do.
25. Now that I know that having The Force means that you can tell people what to do, I WANT IT.