I will be 30 next July. THIRTY.
And, as is customary, I have written a list of things I would like to achieve by that time.
Is this just an opportunity for me to write down some funny thoughts I’ve had or is this an actual record of my hopes and dreams at this pivotal moment in my life? Or is it something in between. I’ll let you decide.
1. Find a mascara that remains on my eyelashes throughout the day. Not down my cheek, not – somehow – in the middle of my forehead, just on my eyes. Come on science, I’m on a deadline.
2. Remember once and for all that the phrase is ‘Off your own bat’ not ‘back’ and stop just saying ‘ba’ and hoping nobody notices.
3. Finally decide what type of book I’d like to write and START WRITING IT.
4. Do more drawing. I bloody love drawing. Stewie (top) needs some company.
5. Watch The Godfather Part II. No I haven’t seen it, yes I know it’s amazing, no I don’t know what I’ve been doing with my life, yes I have heard it’s better than the first one, no I don’t need to borrow your copy thanks, yes I have had this conversation a few times before.
6. Go to New York, get discovered as the next Carrie Bradshaw and commence living a disproportionately glamorous life considering the pittance I must surely earn from writing just one column per episode/week. I shall live the dream.
7. Find a black skirt that actually fits. This is definitely too ambitious in this time frame.
8. Learn how to cook an appropriate amount of potatoes to feed two people.
9. Buy a new pair of jeans. Oh god, I already can’t face it.
10. Spend more time at the wonderful British seaside. I love arcades, I love chips, and I love being at constant risk of having my entire lunch stolen by a seagull.
11. Start having the balls to say “I would like to be a writer who gets paid to write words, please!” when people ask me what I’d like to do with my life, and then have the additional balls required to make it happen.
12. Reduce my chocolate button consumption to just one bag per week NO I’M SORRY I CAN’T DO IT I TAKE IT BACK YOU CAN’T MAKE ME
13. Stop feeling the need to merge words together for my own amusement e.g. shoppurtunity, mumbrella, ex-snack-tly.
14. Never ever let anybody in the world know that – until the age of 24 – I thought that the direction of North, South, East and West changed depending on which way you were facing (like with left and right). This secret must die with me.
15. Go to the Lake District. I am an adult and I want to go for a walk.
16. Speak with confidence about where and what ‘East Anglia’ is.
17. Learn how to bake a cake that doesn’t break when I take it out of the cake tin. The GBBO crew would not think much of my presentation skills.
18. Sigh long enough and loud enough for my husband to FINALLY change the light bulb on our landing which broke three years ago. (I’m not tall enough to reach and – on principle – refuse to risk my life by standing on a step ladder to try.)
19. Stop being so passive aggressive.
20. Go to Budapest. The level of holidays on this list is already unrealistic.
21. Ooh and Istanbul.
22. Move this blog over to WordPress and make it look so good that the internet has to be completely redesigned to keep up with its wonder (or just so that maybe a few more people want to look at it. Either way.)
23. Either find a photography course and go on it or STOP GOING ON ABOUT IT.
24. Finally make a decision about what to do with my wedding dress. NB: Wearing it to other people’s weddings is not cool. I realise that now.
25. Invest in those blue Bertie brogues I keep dreaming about. The universe clearly wants us to be together.
26. Make an album of our wedding photos and have a physical reminder that there was indeed one day in my life when I wore the right thing to a party.
27. Get better at gardening. And by better I mean: actually do some gardening.
28. Learn once and for all that lying down whilst watching a film – no matter how enthralling – is a one way ticket to Sleepy Town.
29. Watch the end of all the films I’ve missed due to the above. (Current count: 732)
30. Organise an excellent party. And by excellent, I mean one that involves lots of sitting down, chatting, and a guarantee that we’ll all be tucked up in bed by 11.30pm. At our age we need all the beauty sleep we can get.