toilet

There isn’t much we haven’t seen each other do.

He’s seen me fall face first into a dinghy.

I’ve seen him take the world’s longest tumble over a suitcase.

He’s seen me choke on blackcurrant squash ’til it came out my nose.

I’ve seen him drink so much whiskey he couldn’t find our bedroom.

He’s seen me learn the hard way that one must put sun cream on all four of one’s cheeks.

I’ve seen him find out that “Wash at 30 degrees” labels are not to be ignored.

There isn’t much we haven’t been witness to in the last eight years. That’s what being in a relationship means – signing up to be the one that gets to see (and laugh at) every single act.

Except one.

Going to the toilet, using the ladies, popping to the little boys’ room, relieving oneself of all that cordial… whatever you want to call it, we do it alone.

In this house, the bathroom door must be respected. Sure, he can wander in and grab his toothbrush when I’m washing my face, and I can interrupt his morning shower to remind him to please put the bin out, but if there’s anything else happening, we steer well clear.

But why be so prudish about something as basic as a little excretion? CHILL OUT GUYS, everybody wees, you might say.

Well yes they do, but that doesn’t mean it requires an audience. If a man uses the loo and there’s nobody there to hear it, does the flush still make a sound? I’m happy to take his word for it.

After this many years together it can be hard to maintain any illusion. We’re not the people we said we were on Date One and we’ve had to come to terms with that; he doesn’t really like Coldplay, he just said that to reel me in, and I don’t like football, I just meant that I would watch David Beckham games. He knows now that women’s legs aren’t permanently smooth (or smooth at all between October and March) and I realise that living with a man who goes to the gym has its sweaty, pungent downsides. But – if nothing else – at least we have spared each other the sight of what we look like when we empty our bodies of waste.

There’s not much privacy in a long term relationship – Why are you shaving like that? Are you sure your phone is charged? What are you doing sitting down when the bin is still overflowing? – so bathroom time is pretty much all we’ve got left.

Like so many things, I guess you just have to find what works for you, whether it’s an open door policy or the threat of divorce if you’re ever caught with your trousers down.

Either way, I recommend making sure you agree on this one. Otherwise, if you need the toilet as frequently as I do, you’ll find that you’re arguing about every 20 minutes.

And that’s just unhealthy.