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Marriage: Embrace the mundane

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322When you think about what it’s like to be married, you tend to focus on the exciting things you’ll do together.

Going on holiday, eating dinner by candlelight, spending weekends celebrating anniversaries for every single thing you’ve ever done…

And sure, some of that does happen. You’ll explore the odd beach, consume meals by whichever type of light keeps bills to a minimum, and consume so much champagne (and by champagne, I obviously mean Cava) that you’ll spend an alarming number of Saturdays trying not to burp.

But the truth is that, most of the time, marriage is just real life spent in the company of another person. You still have to buy food, you still have to clean the hobs and you still have to wash your underwear – unless you’re richer than a Cadbury’s Caramel, there’s no escaping the mundane.

But that’s OK. All being well, you’ll have married somebody with whom you could happily sit and watch paint dry (and actually you’ll be surprised how often you end up doing just that). So if you are thinking of partaking in a spot of marriage, here are a few things you should make sure you enjoy doing together before signing up, otherwise married life might come as a bit of a shock…

1. Watching TV
I don’t want to spoil any illusions but married people do not spend every evening of their lives supping margaritas in fancy cocktail bars and toasting their excellent choice of spouse. Most of the time, they spend them watching telly. It doesn’t mean they’re no fun, it just means that they’re tired, enjoy sitting down and that even the happiest of couples need a few hours a week when they don’t have to speak. Magazines would have us believe that a couple who sits slack-jawed in front of Don’t Tell The Bride every week whilst they pile Doritos into their mouths is doomed to fail but I disagree. In this house we call that: Tuesday.

2. Home improvements
Making your home nice requires a lot of work. I know, I was shocked too. It takes time and effort and more trips to Ikea than any human being should have to endure. And when you’re married you’re required to do all of this together. It’s in the vows. And if you’re not talking about which room you want to change or wall you want to paint, you’re attempting to deal with whatever plumbing or electrical emergency has happened this time. Because stuff breaks. Light bulbs run out of light, boilers stop heating up, toilets stop flushing… It’s profoundly dull but unless you sort it out, things are going to get very cold, very dark and very gross very quickly.  The trick is to be able to take some pleasure in figuring out how to solve even the simplest of problems. High-five when you’ve successfully phoned the plumber! Have a hug to celebrate changing a light bulb! Book a mini-break to reward yourselves for unclogging the sink! Do whatever it takes to find some joy, because this sh*t is still going to happen whether you like it or not.

3. Planning what the hell you’re going to eat
The problem with food is that you have to eat it every day. And unless you want to spend every evening of your life stood listlessly in front of the vegetable section of your local supermarket trying to figure out what on earth to cook, you’re going to need to do what we in the business call The Weekly Shop. In my opinion, if a couple can survive a trip out to buy seven days’ worth of food – or even a journey around the internet dropping food items into their virtual basket – without threatening to batter one another to death with a butternut squash, they’re onto a good thing.

It’s good to know what you’re letting yourself in for. If you can enjoy the simplest of things – the nights in front of the telly, the hours spent googling “how to fix a toilet that sounds like a foghorn when you flush it” – you’re set for a pretty happy life ahead.

And just think, for every new adventure – every plumber called or light bulb changed – is another anniversary to add to the list. And that, my friends, is worth drinking to.

Relationships: Six ways to help keep things interesting

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BuntingI’ve read dozens of women’s magazines about ways to make a relationship more exciting.

And they all suggest similar things – weekends away, writing each other love letters, getting dressed up and pretending to be completely different people for an evening…

And that’s all well and good but what if you don’t have the time, money and interest in fancy dress required to make them happen? What if your idea of role play is having him fill the dishwasher while you play on the X-Box for once?

The problem with these suggestions is that they don’t cater for those of us wishing to spice up the mundane. What a relationship needs is small scale, every day gestures to keep things fresh.

So, seeing as lady mags refuse to do it for us, I have stepped up and written some suggestions of my own. Follow these steps and see daily life move from monotony to out-of-this-world excitement before your very eyes. You’re welcome, ladies.

1. Serve snacks in your very best vessels

So what if all you’ve got to offer for pudding is a packet of Cadbury’s Chocolate Buttons? It doesn’t matter that it’s not a homemade trifle or a hand-crafted tart, all you need is to bring out one of your best bowls (you know, the ones that don’t have any cracks in at all) and all of a sudden pudding has become dessert. You’ll be so blown away by the effect it has on the atmosphere in your house, you’ll be looking for a waiter to ask for the bill.

2. Schedule at least one night a week when you won’t fall asleep in front of the telly

Now, this will take some planning but it’s well worth the effort. Think how amazing it’ll be to have just one evening where you don’t wake up dazed and confused on the sofa at midnight to the sound of your other half shouting from the bedroom “I won’t call you again – please just come to bed!” Think how amazed he’ll be to see you conscious for an entire night – you might even get to see a whole television programme together! All you’ll need to make this happen is an early night every night for the week leading up to the event, a bowl of water on hand for face-splashing purposes, and something extraordinarily compelling to watch on TV. I recommend Don’t Tell The Bride.

3. Make outlandish culinary suggestions

The secret to a happy relationship is to integrate the element of surprise into everyday life. For example, when my husband got home the other day, I suggested that we ate a sauce I’d originally made to go with cod, with steak. I KNOW. And then, when he was already dazzled, I floated the idea that perhaps we could explore other sauces to liven up our dinners. If that doesn’t keep him coming back for more, I don’t know what will.

4. Incorporate jokes into everyday life

“Would you like a little bit of chocolate?” he says.

“No, I’d like LOADS!” I say.

“Are you in the bedroom?” I say.

“No,” he says, clearly sitting in the lounge.

“Oh I just assumed you were, seeing as THE LIGHT IS STILL ON IN THERE.”

NB: Sarcasm can be considered relationship kryptonite when used incorrectly so think carefully before deploying it. Always ensure the person you’re dealing with realises you’re trying to be funny and that you’re not just being a cow.

5. Suggest very small-scale home improvements

Some people might think redecorating a room or building a conservatory is the perfect way to liven up a relationship. Those people do not live here. But that doesn’t mean we don’t want to make our home better, we just want to do it at a rate we can handle – i.e. very, very slowly. Today, for example, I suggested we put the garden bunting we received as a wedding gift up on the fence. We did it together, it took us ten minutes (after which we both had to have a sit down) and we can now bask in our domestic success until the autumn – winner!

6. Make him find loyalty points as exciting as you do 

A woman with an eye for a bargain is worth more to a relationship than 20 mini-breaks, and that’s a fact. Sure it’s not something for the early dating days – nobody wants to have a chat about your most recent Advantage Card points coup on a first date, but once you’re living together, a money-saving win classes as high quality banter. And what could bring more joy to a relationship than knowing you’ve made that saving together – that your combined efforts are the reasons you’re going to the cinema for free, or purchasing baked beans at half the usual retail price? Splashing your cash only gets you so far, it’s 241 coupons that are at the heart of a truly happy marriage.

Well, if those tips don’t add a touch of spice to your relationship then I don’t know what will. And sure, you can still partake in the odd weekend away or love letter writing marathon should you wish, but it’s these bad boys that will keep you going through the mundanity of modern life.

And of course, you can always try a touch of role play should it take your fancy. My current favourite costume involves my pyjamas, dressing gown, slippers and pretending to be a woman so exhausted she just falls asleep as soon as you turn on the television. I’m not sure it’s quite what Cosmopolitan had in mind.

Friendship: It’s about quality not quantity

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IMG_6367It’s a strange moment when you suddenly stop worrying about whether you’ve got enough friends.

For years it’s a genuine concern. If you have a party, will anybody come? Do you get enough text messages that aren’t just from your mum or Domino’s Pizza? And exactly how many non-family birthday cards did you get last year?

At school, it always felt like size mattered in the chums department. The bigger the group you were a part of, the smaller the chance that you would find yourself sitting alone in French with nobody to tell that you’d been “à la piscine” at the weekend.

And at university a heavy group of pals meant people to sit sleepy-eyed with in lectures, to consume large sandwiches with at obscure times of the day, and to go out with of a Wednesday evening, rather than sitting at home doing a glossy magazine quiz about which FRIENDS character best reflects your personality. You already knew the answer to that anyway. (Gunther.)

And that’s not to undermine those friendships – they’re the making of some of the best days of your life – it’s just impossible to keep up with that volume of people once real life starts getting in the way.

The combination of going to work, eating meals, sorting through your post, washing clothes, filling the dishwasher, entering online competitions, watching The Magaluf Weekender, and actually going to sleep for more than four hours a night dominates most of the week. It’s a wonder you can keep on top of what’s going on with you, let alone anybody else.

So if you do manage to spend time with another human being – aside from your colleagues, the dude at the sorting office and your grocery delivery man – it’s because you really want to.

And now that you’re an adult, though you don’t demand much of that person in terms of time, you do when it comes to quality of friendship.

If I meet up with a pal and I ask how they are, I’m looking for a proper answer. I’m not looking for a fluffy “Yeah sure everything’s fine – shall we get the chicken?” response (although my answer will of course always be Yes), I want: “Right, strap in for a full-blown analysis of my life”. If I didn’t care then I wouldn’t have blocked out my Thursday night – you do know that Eastenders is shown on Thursday evenings, right?

And of course it works both ways. I want to know the ins and outs of what’s happening with you and then you, dear friend, are going to get the precise same from me. I have a husband who doesn’t seem to understand the meaning of “Please unplug the iron”, a fringe I can’t control, and a marshmallow habit I fear is getting out of hand – who else am I going to talk to about this sh*t?

A good catch up with a good friend is better for your soul than any drug, massage or – dare I say it – confectionery item money can buy. And the truth is that, at this age, most of us would rather spend our time with the buddies we know we can really chew the fat with – metaphorical and literal (and ideally BBQ sauce-covered) – than spend an evening with 50 people we hardly know just so that Facebook can see how popular we are.

Because those are the chums that are really worth giving up a night in front of the telly for. And that, my friend, is no small compliment.