resolutions

Lifestyle and mindset choices, 2019

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They’re not so much resolutions, you see, as choices I want to make about how I live my life and how I think, this year. I figure that if I focus on these, the life goals that I have – the writing work I want to do, the creative projects I want to develop, the marvellously calm and fulfilling home and family life I want to create – will all feel more achievable.

I want to be clear at this point that I’m writing this today as somebody who is struggling with all of this. This isn’t a list written by somebody who’s got it all worked out and who’s advising you on how to be better. This is about writing down what I know I need to do and remember, so that I have it to refer to. And it’s here, too, for anybody else who finds it difficult to keep their habits and mind in check, should they need a little reminder.

This is my plan for 2019:

1. Be a better planet inhabitant

I’ve been trying, like so many of us, to recycle more and to minimise my impact on the planet. I’ve found it really useful to hear from others about action they’re taking, so here are a few things I’m doing on this front:

a) Using washable sanitary products. There was a piece on Radio 4’s Woman’s Hour during 2018 about the level of plastic in sanitary products, and I felt ashamed that I’d simply never considered it. So, I’ve purchased reusable ones as a simple way to reduce the amount of plastic I use and chuck away. I went for these, and there are plenty of others available too.

b) ALWAYS carrying a shopping bag with me. I have become that woman who stands behind her husband in a queue in a supermarket shouting DON’T LET THEM GIVE YOU A PLASTIC BAG, I’VE COME PREPARED! My in-laws bought us a SakItToMe bag for Christmas (they roll up really small and are super easy to carry around) and I’m going to make sure I have it with me at all times.

c) Reducing our meat consumption because science says it’ll help, and listening to science is a good idea.

d) Always taking water out with me. I know it’s an obvious one, but having a baby is such thirsty work that it’s forced me to realise how easy it is to always have a water bottle with me, rather than buying a drink whilst I’m out. I want to try and spot other ways I can cut down what I put in the bin by thinking ahead.

As I said, these are just a few steps I’m taking, and I’d love more ideas. What are you doing to live a greener life?

2. Focus on what I can control: My words, my actions

I’ve mentioned this on here so many times, but whilst it’s a simple concept, it’s very easy to forget.

There are two things in this world that you can control – what you say and what you do. That’s it. When I feel myself getting into a worry spiral (this happens to me regularly), it tends to be because I’ve started tricking myself into thinking that I can or should be able to control other things. But no matter what the situation is, or who it involves, these remain the only two things within our power.

This year I want to be quicker to acknowledge this, as it always makes me feel calmer and lets me put my brain space to better use. Perhaps if somebody could text it to me everyday? I think that would help.

3. Worry less about what people think

I’m never surer that a person cares what people think than when they tell me that they don’t care what people think. OF COURSE YOU CARE, YOU’RE NOT A PSYCHOPATH.

But what matters is that you don’t let it get in the way. That you don’t spend more time thinking about what people think than doing what makes you happy.

I worry every time I write a blog post that somebody somewhere will see it as further evidence that I’m a moron, but do I let that stop me hitting publish? No, I don’t. I just do it and hope that if they think it, they’ll resist the temptation to email me to let me know.

I doubt very much that my worrying about what people think has ever had any bearing on what they’ve thought of me anyway, so it’s really not a good use of anybody’s time.

4. Stay focused on what I’m doing

Is a New Year’s resolutions list even complete without a mention of a more mindful use of social media? I don’t think so.

I have a terrible habit of looking at other people’s life updates and seeing them as evidence of the ways in which I’m failing. I’m most affected by anything to do with people’s careers, particularly when people share publications they’re writing for or books they’ve published (Why don’t I write for them? Why hasn’t the book I haven’t even written been listed as a bestselller?). Since I had a baby, I’ve also started partaking in what I like to call ‘Parenting Inadequacy’, which I highly recommend. All you have to do is forget absolutely every single thing you’ve ever done for your child, look at one photo of a stranger with their offspring in a museum/garden centre/puddle and let yourself feel like the world’s worst mother. It’s fun AND worthwhile!

This is all a total waste of time, leads to nothing good, and is entirely self-inflicted, so enough already. Be inspired by other people, sure, admire their photography if you like, but spend all your time comparing and all you’ll gain is a headache. I’m not a failure for not being somebody else. Being just the one person at a time is NORMAL.

5. Remember that my achievements incorporate everything I’m doing

It’s easy to slip into thinking that you’re not doing enough. Be it for your child or towards your career or whatever. But everybody only has so much time, and life is just a constant game of prioritising. Some days I just have to be a parent and a tired human and my other ambitions have to take a back seat. And then other days I’m full of energy and writing ideas and I manage to get lots done.

I’m prone to focusing far more on what I’m not doing than what I am. And I also let myself forget how much work goes into the various aspects of my life. Being all the different types of people that we are to this world – a mum, a wife, a writer, a The Marvelous Mrs Maisel enthusiast – takes a huge amount of time and energy, and our sense of achievement should come from it all.

6. Be a better friend to myself

You know what I’m good at? Listening to a friend or a stranger about how they think they’re failing at life and then telling them all the reasons why they’re not. You know what I’m bad at? Doing the same for myself.

I met a mum outside my daughter’s nursery this week and told her she was absolutely doing the right thing by having a day where her child was being looked after by somebody else so that she could go and get some jobs done. I then told her how terrible I was for doing the exact same thing.

This year I want to try and step in on my own thought process and be the stranger who would definitely tell me that I’m not such a failure after all.

7. Value my time 

I don’t get a lot, mate, what with the baby and the washing and Coronation Street on five times a week. So I want to be more mindful about how I use it. Be present when I’m with my daughter – play with her, look at her, take her in, and try not to be doing 300 other things at the same time. Check my phone when I have something to check rather than just scrolling for no reason at all. Read a book in the evening, rather than channel hopping until I fall asleep. Use my daughter’s nap times to write and pitch and connect with the creative side of my brain.

I guess what I’m saying is that I want to be kinder to myself, and to the planet this year. How about you?

Thanks so much to everyone for reading what I had to say in 2018, and I look forward to chatting to you more in 2019. Happy New Year, friends.

Goal for 2016: Be authentic

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Happy New Year to you all!

The taste for Hendrick’s Gin that I developed in 2015 ensured that 1 January started very slowly, but it was nothing a large sandwich couldn’t resolve, thank goodness.

I’ve been looking forward to 2016. When we were in Australia I bought a beautiful diary and I couldn’t wait to get going with it. There’s nothing like a new piece of stationery to make us think that everything is going to be ok, is there? The feeling will last right up until I write ‘launch’ instead of ‘lunch’ in it and am forced to decide whether to scribble the mistake out, remove the entire page, or throw the whole diary in the bin and start again. (Beware stationery enthusiasts: we are always on the brink of a paper-based meltdown).

And with a new diary also comes thoughts about plans, goals, and New Year’s resolutions. As I get older, I know that it is always a good time to come up with new ways to better yourself – it doesn’t need to be January. But what I do find helpful about the end of one year and the start of the next, is the opportunity to think about what you want to be in the 12 months ahead.

Last year, I wanted to be brave. And sometimes I was. And when I felt my bravest – and indeed when things went best – was when I allowed myself to be myself. So for 2016, my aim is to be authentic in all areas of my life.

Be authentic in your work

If you’re not presenting a real version of yourself, people will be able to tell. And, more importantly, it’ll feel rubbish.

A couple of weeks ago I spent an hour working on a pitch for an article that, in the end, I decided not to send. And the reason was because the publication and I just aren’t compatible. If it saw me on Tinder, it would swipe left. I’d feel bad about it for a while but then, when I’d slept on it, I’d think – no, you were right to do that. You’ve saved us both a lot of trouble.

I was constantly editing the pitch to make myself sound like somebody else, and what’s the point of that? They’d most definitely have seen through it, and I wouldn’t have liked writing it anyway. I won’t go into the specifics but just imagine I’d pitched an article on the benefits of walking around my house with shoes on whilst eating a particularly crumbly biscuit. You see? Not me at all.

Remember, friends, it’s your own time you’re wasting. I’m not saying don’t test yourself or step out of your comfort zone – definitely do that – but do it for things you actually want and will enjoy. Because there will be lots of those.

Life is tough my darling but so are youBe authentic in your personal life

It’s OK to let people know you, to tell your friends what’s really going on – that you’re feeling good, that you’re feeling down, that you’re feeling bloated because you just discovered a new kind of blue cheese (damn you, Cambozola). Whatever it might be – and when you feel able – chat it out. The last couple of years has taught me that people are really rather nice all in all and that as soon as you have the courage to talk about a problem, it’s amazing how quickly you discover that other people struggle too. Hell, everybody does.

I like to return from a catch up with friends feeling exhausted because we’ve laughed and cried it all out. It’s sort of like therapy, just more expensive because we did it whilst consuming cocktails/sushi/all of the cake.

It doesn’t have to be like this, of course, some people just need to be allowed to sit quietly and not say anything at all. And that is just as important. The point is you that you don’t need to pretend. Like I said in my last post, we’re in our thirties now (or some of us are…), if people have you in their life, it’s because they really want you there. So give them the real you – cheese-fuelled stomach aches and all.

Be authentic in your look 

Just before Christmas I sat in front of a mirror in a make-up shop while a very nice lady put lipstick on me.

This process would previously have left me in a hot panicky sweat. How could I believe that lipstick would look nice on me? What must all the other people in the shop be thinking? Why is everybody laughing at me? STOP LAUGHING AT ME.

But this time I didn’t feel like that, which was nice. Partly because she’d chosen me a colour that made me look an adult woman rather than a clown, which is an achievement in itself. But also because of my age. I’m 30 now and after three decades living with this face it’s about time I started liking it. I’m also rather enjoying having brown hair. After 16 years of dyeing it blond, it’s quite nice to be getting closer to my natural colour. Perhaps it’s because I’ve removed a level of pretence from my life, or perhaps it’s just that I’m too tight to keep forking out for bleach. I’ll let you decide.

For some people, dyeing their hair blue, pink or purple brings about a feeling of authenticity. Whatever works for you, I say do it. You should look how you want to look. After 30 years of listening out for it, I can confirm that nobody worth listening to is laughing.

Be authentic onlineBe authentic online

Some of us exist as much in people’s lives online as we do in real life. You may well be reading this despite the fact that we’ve never met. How nice are you?! It’s important to be a real version of yourself on the internet as much as anywhere else. If for no other reason than because you’ll probably enjoy it more.

If you’re not careful, you can spend a lot of time online thinking that you need to make yourself more like other people. Twitter and the like are filled with successful people, chatting – as they should – about all the great things they’ve been doing. And it can be a struggle to just look at them without feeling that maybe you should take up their tone or their choice of words or their excessive use of the exclamation mark because surely that will help you make your fortune too. I doubt it. You’ve got to do it your own way. Sure, take a bit of inspiration from the millions of great people who live in your computer, but don’t feel you have to try to be all of them. I mean, I’m not even sure how that would work but it sounds exhausting.

So that’s my aim for the year ahead. What’s yours?

Why you should stop giving social media so much control over your feelings

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It’s very easy in this world of constant digital access to other people’s lives and photos and boasts to feel that every single one serves as a direct comparison to your own life:

Have you had a delicious homemade brunch today, Charlotte? Hmm, well, @someoneyouwillprobablynevermeet has. Why is your morning time consumption so inadequate? Did you even think about taking a picture of your food before you put it in your face? Where are your priorities? 

Hey, Charlotte, have YOU just landed yourself a sweet book/magazine/film/four-album deal? Hmm, well, @somedudeyoudontevenknow has. Why do you even bother conditioning your hair for this world if you’re not going to take it seriously?

And this all feels so much more personal because we’re having these words and pictures delivered straight to our phone and laptop screens whilst we sit at home watching old episodes of Not Going Out and eating, well, everything. It’s like these people have come round to our houses to tell us directly how well things are going for them, had a scathing glance at our peeling wallpaper and overflowing bin and then danced off down the street with their 300,000 followers trailing behind them. I mean, who does that?

But, of course, that isn’t what’s happening. Firstly, you opened the door. In fact, you invited them round to stay for as long as you’ve been following them which, if you joined Facebook back in 2005 like all the cool kids, is a chuffing long time. And you know that you could have them off your screen in a micro-second if you wanted to but that isn’t the point. It’s you that you need to feel OK with – your life, your achievements, your consumption of photograph-worthy brunches and cocktails – and then none of this will touch you. You’ll just give ’em a little ‘like’ or a ‘favourite’ and be on your way, rather than adding them to your personal file called ‘Reasons to believe I am fundamentally failing at life’ which, if nothing else, is a very long name for a file.

It’s easy to forget that people rarely use social media to acknowledge the baby steps it takes to make real progress towards realising your goals. You don’t get many updates that say “Sent a few emails out last week. Got a couple of replies saying no and one maybe, so we’ll see what happens” because that would be a) pretty boring b) who is going to retweet that? and c) nobody likes to admit just how much hard work goes into getting things done.

The loyal readers among you (Hi mum!) may remember that in January I wrote this post about my intentions to spend 2015 being much less afraid. And it is this very thought process that made me realise that I haven’t been doing so well at it. But now I think I know why.

Because I forgot that other people’s lives and successes have no bearing whatsoever on our own. And because I forgot that if you want to do something difficult – like get your teeth fixed (no, I still haven’t been to the dentist), or get more writing work, or attempt to do anything else which means making you vulnerable – it is going to feel a bit scary but that can’t be a reason not to do it. In fact, it should be all the more reason to go and bloody give it a try – because imagine how good it’ll feel when it turns out to be completely worth your while.

And if nothing else, any success you do get will make for some excellent social media posts. But remember not to be fooled – it’ll only ever be half the story.

Goal for 2015: Be less afraid

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A very happy 2015 to one and all.

With the festive excitement out of the way, my mind has turned to plans for the year ahead and, inevitably, to resolutions. After much thought I have realised that all of mine fall under one heading: Be Less Afraid.

Although in some cases a spot of fear helps to keep you safe, (for example, when I was offered the opportunity to get into an enclosure at a reptile park in Bali with a crocodile for a photograph, I politely declined on account of my fear of being eaten alive), it can also be rather restricting.

A fear of pitching will massively reduce my chances of getting more writing work and I’d very much like some; a fear of judgement means I may never speak to anybody again and I LOVE a good chat; and a fear of making bad decisions means I may have to opt out of making any decisions whatsoever, which in itself feels like a bad decision. I also haven’t been to the dentist for six years because I’m scared, but I do rather like having teeth so I’m just going to have to grin and bear it (and maybe ask my mum to come with me). These fears will only hold me back when I’d really rather be moving forward.

A fear of what people think is the trickiest of all to shake. My aim this year is to remember that it is not something that anybody can control (and also that most people spend most of their time thinking about themselves and when they will next get to eat or go to bed. I know I do). Of course there are ways to influence it – be nice and people will most likely think that you’re nice; behave like a tool and people will probably just stop texting you back – but beyond that, we can only waste time wondering. All that thinking might make us miss a nap or a meal and that just won’t do.

I had a big sort through my tights and socks drawer yesterday (just like every out of control party girl does on a Saturday afternoon) and I adopted a policy to help me decide what to bin – does this bring me joy? When working through a collection of tights so laddered it’s a wonder I haven’t yet been arrested for indecent exposure, it’s quite easy to answer that question, but I’d like to try and apply it to other parts of my life (or at least everything over which I have a choice/control. Emptying the dishwasher definitely does not bring me joy but eating cheese from each and every clean plate in it certainly does. You’ve got to take the rough with the smooth). I will give it a go and if the answer is no then, where possible, I just won’t do it.

It looks and sounds very bold and clear when written out but this sh*t is very hard to crack. But writing it down is a start, as is realising that doing the opposite will only keep you awake at night (which is no good for me as I’m also afraid of the dark).

So yes, less fear, fewer pointless attempts at mind reading and more joy will make for a lovely 2015. Because what is the point of doing anything else? If it’s not going to get me eaten by a reptile or make me miss out on too many meals, I reckon it’s worth the risk.

And you?

Exercise is good for you, laziness is not…unfortunately

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Exercise if good for you, laziness is notDon’t you hate it when somebody who has been a member of a gym for all of, like, a week suddenly starts telling you about the virtues of exercise? Urgh, those people are so annoying.

In other news, I joined a gym this week and MY WORD do I feel good for it. I mean, sure, my thighs hurt so much on Friday afternoon that I feared I may never bend again, and my legs move in such a peculiar way when I’m on the cross trainer that I look like Kermit the Frog, but my heart hasn’t beaten this fast since Peter Andre released Mysterious Girl, so I can only assume I’m doing myself some good.

I’m the type of gym-goer that long term members hate, and here’s why:

1. I joined in January. This means that whilst I am full of good intentions now, they are very likely to have departed by the time the clocks go forward.

2. One of my favourite things about going to the gym is that it’s an excuse to go shopping. I purchased a pair of running-trousery-things (a technical term only us sporty types understand) on the sole basis that they have a luminous pink stripe on them. I had to buy new trainers because, unless I take-up basketball, my Converse ones are not really going to cut it (though, as you can see, they would match my new running trousers perfectly).

3. I have absolutely no idea what I am doing. I have to ask for help before I use any piece of machinery, including the changing room lockers.

4. I cough and splutter whilst swimming, which is extremely distracting for other people in the pool.

5. I smile at other people in the gym. You’re not supposed to smile in the gym.

But a girl’s got to start somewhere.

I realised at the end of last year that as much as I enjoy eating lard and staying completely still for days at a time, I have to start doing some exercise. The sofa will feel all the softer and the Cadbury’s Boosts will taste all the sweeter if I have actually bothered to move at some point during the day.

I’ve taken baby steps to ease myself in; I started off in the pool where I know exactly what I’m doing (spluttering my way up and down until my arms feel like they’re going to come off) and then slowly but surely into the actual gym bit where all the scary bikes, treadmills and weights live.

One thing I’m delighted to discover is that – despite my excellently coordinated attire – absolutely nobody looks at me at all. I had feared that my trips to the gym would simply provide free physical comedy for all the other members to watch. I imagined one lifting a toned hand from their exercise bike to point at me whilst I floundered on the cross trainer, whilst the other switched the video camera they’d attached to their sweatband on to score £250 from You’ve Been Framed when I inevitably fell off into a pool of my own sweat. But it’s not like that at all. And I haven’t fallen off anything…yet. *touches every piece of wood in the house*

As is usually the case, the only person who gives a damn what I look like is me, and even I’m losing interest. Now that I’m actually going with a view to getting fit, rather than just because they have hair straighteners in the changing room, looking bad is the least of my worries; I’m just trying to survive without perspiring my way into hospital.

And though it’s very early days, I do feel better for it, partly because of the exercise I’m doing, and partly because I no longer feel guilty for spending my entire life sitting down. This is progress my friends, so let’s see how long it lasts.

And, don’t worry, I’m not going to try and tell you to do the same thing. Chances are you already do exercise regularly like a good human being and despise people like me who only take it up because it’s January. Or otherwise you dodge it altogether in favour of the settee and a box set, in which case, I’ll see you in the spring.

New Year’s resolutions: Do more of what you love (and a little of what you hate)

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2014Well, what a year it’s been.

2013 has had so many highlights that I’m a little sad to see it come to an end. I got married, I learnt how to cook cauliflower cheese, I bought the correct type of bulb for our new lamp all by myself… I achieved so much.

But we must move on; 2014 will be here in just a few days and with the wedding behind me, our menu planned for the next 12 months and all our lighting equipment in full working order, I’m going to need a strong list of activities to keep me entertained for the next year.

So here it is, the inevitable New Year’s resolutions post – and, for a special treat, I’ve even included a few that I actually intend to keep.

1. Get out more 

As a lover of slippers, radiators and going for days without wearing make-up, leaving the house is not always top of my agenda. But with a new year on the horizon, a bus stop 10 seconds from my house and the excellent bobble hat I got for Christmas to show off, it feels like a good time to commit to getting the hell out the front door and seeing a little more of the world. So this year I resolve to see more of London, the UK and, if I’m extra lucky, perhaps an extra country or two (though ideally the ones that have good central heating.)

2. Do more writing

As you may have noticed, I am partial to a little writing. So much so that for the past year and a half, I have written and posted a new blog post on here every single Sunday (with the small exception of the time I took off for our honeymoon – it’s good to at least pretend you find one another more interesting than the Internet for the first few weeks of marriage). And it’s been great. But next year, I’m going to do things a little differently.

Thanks to this very blog, I became a Huffington Post blogger and a Funny Women contributor this year, and I also came up with an idea for a book I’d rather like to write (though whether I can string more than 500 coherent words together remains to be seen). So in the interests of making the most of these opportunities, and keeping up with the areas of my life that inspire the things I write (twitter, the odd evening class, ghastly television programmes, relationships with actual human beings…), I’m going to split my writing energy between each of them, this blog, and anything else that might happen to come up. So I’ll still be here, but just a little less frequently, and in a less regimented way than before.

3. See more of my chums  
There’s nothing like a wedding to highlight how:
a) Super swell your friends and family are; or
b) That everybody you know is deranged and that THANK GOODNESS you only have to bring them all together once.
Thankfully it’s a for us (and if it were b, this would be a very cruel way to say so) and so, this year, I want to spend more time with all of them. Whether it’s a resolution of theirs to spend more time with me is yet to be confirmed.

4. Stop looking at my phone and read a chuffing book  
I don’t even want to look at my phone as frequently as I do, it’s just become a reflex, like checking that your purse is where you left it, or that your flies aren’t undone. And, as a result, it takes me four times as long as it should to finish a book because instead of making the most of every reading opportunity I get, I find myself staring at my phone screen and laughing at the latest gif somebody has uploaded of a dog wearing a jumper. So this year I will dedicate more time to stories and less to the animals of the Internet, however well-dressed they may be.

5. Exercise (if I must…)
There always has to be one resolution that you make because you have to, rather than because you want to and mine – just like every year – is exercise. But it’s not so much the exercise itself that I dislike – though if I could just take a pill that would do the same work for me, I’d stick my tongue out right now – it’s all the kerfuffle that comes with it: the complicated gym tops I always get stuck in, the sweating, the constant need for showers… it’s a wonder anybody has the strength for it. But if I want to keep eating Cadbury’s Boosts as frequently as I do, I’m going to need to see past all the fuss and get in that gym. I’m already doing better than last year because I have actually joined one this time. And if there was ever going to be anything that got me out the door and onto an exercise bike – or whatever godforsaken machines they have in those places – it was the promise of hard cash leaving my account every month.

I’ll let you know how I get on.

A very happy new year to you all.

15 post wedding resolutions I have already broken

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15 post-wedding resolutions I have already broken

1. Don’t use the fact that I wrote every single one of our wedding gift thank you cards against him.

2. When he says he’ll fill the dishwasher, let him. Don’t just do it myself because I don’t believe he’ll load it correctly.

3. Refrain from mentioning that all I can think about is getting home and putting on my pyjamas whilst out on date nights.

4. No longer bring up his domestic failings late at night when he is trying to go to sleep.

5. Stop mentioning that he lost my phone charger. And that sharing one between us is annoying. And that the fact that I could easily just stop being a baby and go out and buy a new one is NOT. THE. POINT.

6. Stay awake until at least 10.30pm on a Saturday evening.

7. No longer use sighing as a method of communication.

8. Don’t be offended because he’d rather play FIFA 14 than look through the wedding photographs.

9. Don’t threaten annulment just because he refuses to listen to Magic FM during dinner.

10. Spend evenings having conversations instead of just watching Mock The Week and Have I Got News For You reruns and falling asleep.

11. Avoid using sarcasm to express annoyance that the laundry basket is overflowing e.g. “You know what I love? Having a pile of laundry that is exactly the same height as me. It’s like living with ART.”

12. At least pretend to be open to the idea of leaving the house on a Sunday.

 13. Don’t use my new status as his wife as an excuse to bin all his boxer shorts that I don’t like.

14. Or let a blog post be the way that he finds out that I’ve done it.

15. Be a nicer person.