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maternity leave

A year into motherhood: Forever changed, forever the same

19/11/2018 by Charlotte Leave a Comment

When I look back on my life before my daughter was born, all I do is search for her.

Where was she on our wedding day? Where was she on that city break? Did my mum hold onto her while I took my A-levels? Did she sleep by my bed in halls?

I search our photos for a pram just out of shot, or a tiny hand clutching my trouser leg, because I struggle to believe there was ever a time before.

I knew that having a baby would change my life, I just didn’t know how.

I didn’t know that whilst the tiredness, relentlessness, and lack of moments to myself would be hard to adjust to, it would be the weight on my heart that would change me the most.

I knew that I’d love her, but I had no idea what that love would feel like. She’s starting nursery now, and I had to fill out a form explaining what she needs to be happy. A form about me would just say: HER. Bring me her. Show me she’s OK and everything will be fine. She’s what happiness looks like for me now.

Our baby will turn one this week, and the oddest thing about this milestone is how simultaneously quickly and slowly this year has passed by. I’ve lived every second of the last 12 months, and yet it’s slipped through my fingers. There have been days when I’ve been awake for and aware of almost every hour, but I’m still not sure how quite so many of them have gone by.

One minute she was a newborn who lay down for most of the day, and now she’s a little person, on a one-child-mission to destroy our lounge. I can’t tell you how a year has managed to sneak passed in the life of a girl whom I swear we only just brought home.

Back at the start, once the initial weeks of fear and feeding and figuring it all out were done, I realised that I didn’t know where to put myself. I wasn’t sure what day-to-day life with a baby was supposed to look like once you’d got your sh*t together. But then I joined some classes and groups, I tried doing too much, I tried doing too little, and I found a balance that worked for us. Maternity leave is an education in how to cope when you feel lost. You’ve got to do it your way, the only problem is that it’s you who has to work out what that is.

Motherhood has changed who I am and confirmed who I’ve always been, all at the same time.

Becoming a mum wiped the floor with me – it shattered my heart, rewired my brain, and stretched, scarred and knackered my body more than even the most high-tempo zumba class ever could. It’s fundamentally changed how I see the world, and given me a sense of purpose like nothing I’ve ever done before. It’s slowed my desired pace of life right down, and made me see the benefits of a life lived locally.

It’s done all of this whilst also cementing everything I’ve always known to be true: That I need fresh air everyday. That too much small talk leaves me cold. That I never wanted to go out on Saturday nights anyway. That I need to be creative to feel alive.

The trick, if you can manage it, is to let the person you’ve always been find a way to thrive in this new world. It’s not easy – I’m still working on it. We all just have to keep on working on it.

We’re moving into a new chapter now – I’m going back to work part-time, and our daughter will be looked after by somebody else whilst I’m gone. She went to nursery for a few hours last week, and I went to a café to write this. I cried into my hot chocolate as I typed, and then later my scrambled eggs. I’m just not used to being away from her.

It’s funny because so much of parenting is about trying to secure time away from your baby. You work hard to get them to nap so that you can rest. To play with a toy long enough for you to drink a hot drink. To. just. stay. there. whilst you go to the toilet for once by yourself. But it’s all short term, they’re always close by (she can push the bathroom door open now anyway). I hope she knows that I’ll still be close by.

This time last year I was about to have a baby, and now I have a one year old, a toddler waiting to happen. Time’s flown by, we’ve all changed and grown up, and discovered just how strong we can be.

All I want for this baby on her very first birthday is to bring her as much joy as she’s brought me.

 

Posted in: On parenting Tagged: babies, baby, baby girl, birthday, confidence, first year of motherhood, going back to work, life lessons, maternity, maternity leave, motherhood, turning one

On maternity leave and figuring out what it means to be you now

27/05/2018 by Charlotte Leave a Comment

I spent so much time thinking about giving birth that I didn’t have a moment to wonder what maternity leave would be like. It was just the bit that would come next. Maybe I’d go out for coffee sometimes, who knew.

And when I had given birth, the recovery (from a caesarean section) and the process of learning to look after our baby was so brutal that I believed I’d never do anything else again.

I remember standing in the bathroom, looking at myself in the mirror, and not recognising the woman staring back at me. I remember thinking through every hobby and activity I’d ever enjoyed before – writing, eating in restaurants, washing my hair – and metaphorically hurling every one of them out of the window. You won’t be doing that any more, I thought, it’s just sweating and surviving for you now. If you get to eat a meal every now and then too, that’ll just be a bonus.

But then as time passed, the baby put on weight, and my scar began to heal, a major need to leave the house started to kick in.

But where the hell are you supposed to go?

Once the thrill of making it to your local supermarket, around the park, and to a café with the pram wears off, you start wanting to branch out. To see other people, to visit another part of town, and maybe even to do something energetic or creative. The baby needs to get out, too. They need fresh air, the option of a nap on the move, and the chance to look at other faces and things. My features are only so interesting, I realise that.

Whilst you know that you’ll be responsible for looking after the baby everyday, you don’t appreciate that how you both spend the hours around that will be up to you as well. Weeks can look long and daunting if you don’t have a plan or two to look forward to, or places you know you can go. You can feel a bit lost and alone.

I found it really, really hard to express this for a while because I couldn’t get passed the need to make it clear that I love my daughter. I felt so guilty for needing more in my day than just changing and feeding and napping etc. that I feared that I was being ungrateful and letting her down. But I realise now that when we have a varied week and we socialise it’s good for both of us, and not a selfish act, as my hormones might suggest.

On maternity leave and figuring out what it means to be you nowSeeking activities and groups to join can make you feel a bit vulnerable. You basically have to build yourself a whole new community; one that’s available during the day, ideally nearby, and willing to spend time with you. It’s a bit like dating, except in many cases you see people’s breasts before you know their name (or maybe that is what dating’s like nowadays, I’ve been out of the game a long time).

Antenatal classes were great and gave us a lovely little group of friends in the same boat. The internet has also been a massive help. When the weeks were starting to look a bit empty, I went online (Hoop.co.uk lists activities to do with children by location) with a policy that if anything interested me even slightly, I’d try it once. I felt the need to be brave for myself and for my daughter. I want her to grow up believing that she can walk into a room and participate with confidence, so I need to start modelling that for her now.

So I went for it. I joined a boxing class, a parents choir, and started baby-wearing dance lessons. We started going to a nursery rhymes session, and to baby cinema for a much-needed sit down in the dark. I’m doing things I’d previously have been too afraid to do in front of other people – singing, dancing, exercising – and I’m doing it with my daughter – because of my daughter – and we’re both happier for it. We’re not doing activities everyday, I’ve just found some ways to give us a bit of variation.

Not everybody you meet at classes is going to be your pal and that’s fine, there are only so many more WhatsApp groups I can handle anyway. But you never know, you might make a friend or two, or at least find nice people to chat to whilst you’re there. Most of all it’s about knowing that you need to be somewhere at a certain time, that people are expecting to see you, and that you and your child will have a good time out of the house.

Of course, it’s important to strike the right balance between doing stuff and resting. Parenting is exhausting, so as much as I’ll say that we need to get out, we need to be at home too. We need sofa time and cuddles and to catch up with Grey’s Anatomy. We need a bit of time to do our own thing – in the same room but in our own space. I’m learning more everyday about us as a duo and what we need to get by.

You spend a lot of time in your head when you’ve just had a baby – alone but in company, at home with your small person – and it can take a while to give yourself permission to prioritise what you both need, and to find the courage to put yourself out there.

But when you do start, and you see the benefits it brings to you and your child, you know for sure there’s nothing to feel guilty about at all.

Posted in: On parenting Tagged: baby classes, being a mum, giving birth, having a baby, making friends, maternity leave, motherhood, mum friends, parenting

HELLO, I’M CHARLOTTE

About me

Welcome to Nothing good rhymes with Charlotte. This blog is full of honest words about parenting, relationships, confidence and friendship. I'm here to help us all feel less alone and to make you laugh when I can, too. Want to hire me to write for you or just fancy a chat? Get in touch: nothinggoodrhymeswithcharlotte@gmail.com

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