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12 lessons I’ve learnt from six years of blogging

06/08/2017 by Charlotte Leave a Comment

I started blogging because I felt like a writer with nowhere to write, so in the absence of a garden big enough for a shed, I built a blog instead.

And six years on, I’m still here. It’s nice having a record of how I’ve grown up, developed my writing, and got my head around various thoughts, feelings and life events.

People sometimes ask me questions about what blogging involves, so I thought I’d share some lessons. If you have more questions after reading this, please do ask them. All (kind) forms of correspondence are always welcome.

1. People are not that nice

If people read what you’ve written it’s because they want to read it. If they don’t want to they won’t. It’s as simple as that. People might give you a supportive click or two at the beginning to help you on your way. But when you’re a few months or years down the line, no matter how close a friend/sister/pet they are, they simply won’t open your blog unless they’re interested. And that’s a good thing. Pity reads are no use to anyone.

2. Most of the time, you simply won’t know what people think

Unless you’re planning to go door to door, asking all your acquaintances if they did or did not click on the link to your latest post about the highs and lows of using a chemical toilet (a real post I remain deeply proud of), you won’t know. You might get a like or a comment from a keen and kind reader but there’s no obligation for people to give you feedback.

And you’re also very unlikely to get personalised notes from everyone who doesn’t fancy reading your stuff. Anybody who does send you such a note needs to reconsider how they use their time. Speaking of which…

3. A few people reeeeally aren’t that nice

As women messing about on the internet go, I’ve been pretty lucky on the troll front. I’ve only ever had two very nasty comments left on this blog. And although I will remember them forever, I think they did me good. Because if you’re going to write on the regular and put it out there for people to read, you need to develop a thick skin. (If only, most of the time, to deal with the deafening silence that can follow once you’ve hit publish.)

You can’t spend your time being worried about what a troll might say. The post that encouraged OUTRAGE from my bridge-dweller was about why I recommend giving your partner a sufficient number of bedroom drawers to store their pants. He/she told me to ‘PLEASE shut my f***ing blog down’. Sorry, friend. No chance. Where else are people to go for such innovative life advice?

4. Only time will teach you what you’ve really got to say

It’s taken me years to develop my writing style and tone. There was no other way to do it than to just get on and DO IT. I’m not claiming to have nailed it, I just know how I like to write now. And I continue to enjoy experimenting with it, pushing the odd boundary, and finding new ways to express myself. Your blog is your house and you have the floor so use it to get it wrong, get it right, and enjoy yourself along the way.

5. Thanks to blogging, I will never be bored

You know when you used to have to fill in the bit on your CV about your hobbies and scrabble around for something to say that wasn’t ‘Watching re-runs of Friends’ and ‘Debating which are the tastiest members of the Percy Pig family’? Well, now I have blogging. Hanging out in my house on my own is never a problem as I can just grab a notebook or my laptop and see what I’ve got to say. What a treat! Or, equally as fun, I can lie around thinking about writing, and then not actually ever get around to it. That’s when you know you’re becoming a true professional…

6. You have more time than you think

People have different views about how frequently you should blog. I think you should do it whenever you can and you want to. Some people run sites which have advertising and content commitments requiring them to post on a particular basis, but the rest of us can do as we please.

For us it’s just about finding time, and what I’ve learnt is that if you want to do it, you will find the hours you need. Sundays are my usual day for writing, but sometimes I do a little on another day, or I have a whole week off, or I’m inspired to write three posts at once. I think it’s best just not to put too much pressure on the whole thing. Your writing will be much better if you’re doing it because you want to.

7.Your blog may not become your job, but it might help you get other ones

I get asked a lot about blogging and money making, and this is what I say: This blog is not my job, it’s my hobby, it’s where I come to be creative, and it’s also where I store my portfolio, which I use to seek paid writing work. Although the blog itself doesn’t generally make me money (I’ve only ever done one sponsored post with a brand that fitted in with my subject matter), it has helped me get other jobs.

In order to make money directly from a blog on a regular basis, you need a clear niche that advertisers/sponsors etc. can support. Only you can know your motivations for running a blog, but it strikes me that the most successful ones – whether in terms of reads or money made – came about because people wanted to speak about a particular subject they’re passionate about, and then the rest followed.

Don’t get me wrong, I’d be delighted to bring home more dollar thanks to this baby, but I don’t ever want to compromise what the site is for. It’s for honest posts and chats about what it is to be human. (So if you’re a brand that’ll let me chat about that in return for some ££ and a mention, give a girl a call!)

8. You don’t have to be a web designer, you just need patience

Building a blog can be as difficult or as simple as you make it. I started out on Google Blogger as it was free and easy to use, and then as I got a bit more serious about it and wanted my own url, I moved over to this self-hosted WordPress site. It’s not fancy and there’s lots more I’d like to do with it, but it will do just fine, and I can change it any time I want to (read: can find the strength).

You just have to decide what you want the site to do, and then to work away at bringing it about. I recommend having a cushion set aside specifically for screaming into whilst you build. Believe me, you’ll need it.

9. You’ll realise there are hundreds of people just like you

Blogging has opened up a whole new world of people and events I never knew I’d enjoy. It made me realise how much I love writing, learning about writing, and meeting people equally excited about all things pen and paper. I’m part of the Mumsnet Bloggers Network and have been to their annual Blogfest three times (my baby is due in November, when Blogfest is usually held, so unless this year’s event is happening in a maternity ward, I’m going to have to give it a miss). And I’ve been to other blogging workshops and talks about creativity that have taught me new things and inspired the sh*t out of me. And I can’t recommend that feeling enough.

10. Other people will do much better at blogging and you won’t know why

Why a blog is or is not popular can sometimes be obvious and can sometimes totally throw you. I find that if I think I’ve written something good, it’ll fall flat as a pancake. And if I struggle through a post and end up publishing just to justify the hours of blood, sweat and tears I’ve put into it – even if I think the entire thing is pointless and so am I – people will like it. So what do I know.

I think what’s most important is just to keep writing what you want to write. Authentic posts are always the best. Any likes and shares and whatnot they score the writer have to just be a bonus.

11. Writing something people relate to is a high like no other

Having said that, there’s no denying the utter joy of penning something other people can relate to. Something that makes them say ‘This is what I’ve been thinking but couldn’t articulate’ or ‘IT’S LIKE YOU’RE IN MY BRAIN’ or ‘Are you actually monitoring my thoughts because this is so in line with them that I’m genuinely FRIGHTENED’. I cannot pretend that such comments do not fill me up because they do.

12. Writing feeds your soul

I’ve written regularly for so long now that if I take too much of a break, I start to feel uncomfortable. It’s become a crucial part of how I figure out what I think about different subjects. Lots of people say it but it’s true – I often don’t really know what I think about something until I start writing about it. It’s the cheapest therapy I’ll ever undertake and I’d hate to be without it.

This game isn’t for everyone. Most people would rather tear their hair out than spend their free hours talking to themselves through a computer screen. But we’re not most people, are we? This blog may not have made me a millionaire or anything close to one, but it has taught me more about myself and the world than I ever could have expected. And for that I will always be grateful.

So here’s to another year of Nothing good rhymes with Charlotte. Knowing how livid this site’s continued existence would make our darling troll makes each anniversary all the more worth celebrating.

31 things that continue to surprise me about being alive

10/07/2016 by Charlotte Leave a Comment

IMG_20160707_160600 It’s birthday time for me 🎂 and this year I’m turning 31. It’s not Big News like turning 30 was – there’s no ’31 things to do before you turn 31′ lists to read. (I assume because people think the only thing you really need to do by this point is recover from turning 30).

Nope, it’s just a middle of the road, hardly worth mentioning sort of age, and I’m fine with that. It’s nice to go under the radar for a little while.

But just because 31 isn’t considered to be a particularly remarkable milestone, it doesn’t mean I have nothing to say. Regular readers will know that it’s become something of a tradition for me to write a list as long as my age to mark my birthday – a decision I imagine I will regret enormously by the time I turn 75.

When I turned 29 and 30 I jotted down a series of things I had learnt. So this year – in the interests of keeping things fresh – I’ve opted for a list of things that continue to surprise me about living in the world. Because the older you get, the longer that list becomes.

1. That there are people who do not like Jaffa Cakes.

2. That after almost 11 years together, the text message I’ve sent my husband which has provoked the most positive response to date said: I’ve managed to fix our WiFi.

3. That the lyric ‘My mama don’t like you and she likes everyone’ was all it would take for me to like Justin Bieber.

4. That, rather than a hilarious joke, ‘This train is delayed due to a lack of driver to drive it’ is a commonly used excuse for transport disruption.

5. That the amount of money you spend on a pair of shoes has absolutely nothing to do with how much they are likely to hurt your feet.

6. That the glare I gave the man on the train who said “I’m on my way to London Houston” didn’t turn him to stone.

7. That I once offered a friend one of my pick n mix sweets and they took the single, giant fondant filled liquorice lace I was clearly going to save till last. WHO DOES THAT

8. That it’s possible to select an outfit to wear at at 8am, and then realise you hate it more than anything you’ve ever seen in your life by 10.

9. That after two years as a glasses-wearer, I still fail to anticipate what will happen when I open the oven or dishwasher door whilst wearing them.

10. That eventually my life would be divided into two halves: Before I started enjoying gin, and after.

11. That there is nothing quite like the incredible sense of achievement one feels following the successful usage of drain unblocker.

12. That intense feeling of loss a woman feels when she looks in her make-up bag and discovers that her blusher has shattered into a million pink, dusty pieces.

13. That there is nothing more frightening than the prospect of hearing a recording of your own voice.

14. That there is so much happening in the world, and yet I still feel the need to correct people when they say ‘I’ when they should be saying ‘me’.

15. That I still get invited to parties.

16. That I ever thought simply wearing my sunglasses over the top of my glasses would fill the gap that only prescription sunglasses can. (And how unbelievably heavy that felt on my face).

17. That I get worryingly close at least once a week to sending an email that features the word ‘afterboob’ instead of ‘afternoon’.

18. That there would come a time when somebody saying they spent an afternoon reading a book – rather than looking at any kind of screen – would seem like the greatest demonstration of willpower the world has ever seen.

19. That my husband expects to receive the kind of praise one might reserve for a person who has just run the marathon for simply putting a wash on.

20. That nothing on this earth – not purchasing an appropriately ripe avocado, or figuring out what level of postage to put on a package, or attempting to cook one of Jamie’s 30 Minute Meals in less than an hour – is more difficult than finding a Friday night on which all members of a female friendship group are free to have dinner together.

21. That the simple act of removing the Facebook app from my phone has done more for my mental health than any holiday ever could.

22. That one minute you swear you will never let a single crumb come near your precious new phone or laptop, and the next you’re tapping at the keys with peanut butter-covered fingers like there’s no tomorrow.

23. That expression friends make when they discover that you’re left-handed. Like they don’t really know you at all.

24. That however hard you think it is to make a human being love you, it’s a walk in the park compared to trying to befriend a cat.

25. That just because a hangover isn’t there when you wake up, it doesn’t mean it’s not coming for you in a few hours’ time.

26. That admitting that you suffer from anxiety is like mentioning that you own Adele’s album ’25’ – dude, everybody’s got that.

27. That I remain incapable of having a conversation with someone who is crying without also crying myself.

28. That some gluten free brands have the audacity to call the crumbly slices of disappointment they produce ‘bread’.

29. That I now live in a world where recognising people because you’ve seen photographs of them on the Internet is considered evidence that you have strong social awareness, and not that maybe a restraining order should be issued.

30. That for so many of us it’s not until we reach our fourth decade on earth that we start to realise what it is that we want to do with our lives.

31. And that if the speed of the last 31 years has taught me anything, it’s that we don’t have time to spend a single second doing anything else.

My egg timer is my best friend – 9 lessons all writers learn

10/04/2016 by Charlotte 4 Comments

Do what you love I’ve been pretty busy. I’ve been working a lot, I’ve been writing a lot and, as a result, I haven’t been blogging so much because, well, I’m not a machine.

I don’t like it when I don’t have time to throw some words down on here. Writing this blog helps keep me in touch with whatever readership I’ve managed to build (HI MUM!) and it also keeps my thoughts in order.

When I haven’t written a post for a while I get nervous – that I’ll have forgotten how to do it, that my creative ability will have disappeared never to return, and that when I do write something, my readers will respond like a cat that’s been left alone for the day – dismissive, cold, and off out the back door to see what somebody more loyal has got to offer them before I’ve even had the chance to explain or pour out some milk.

But I guess this is an inevitable consequence of gradually getting more writing work and, aside from the unfortunate neglect of Nothing good rhymes with Charlotte enthusiasts, it’s something I’m starting to feel good about. Baby steps are still steps, dear friends.

You might remember that a few months ago I wrote a little piece about the things you have to do when starting out as a freelance writer. I stand by them all and now have even more lessons to add to the list.

1. Your egg timer is your best friend. No, really: We don’t go for cocktails together or discuss our boy problems, but my egg timer and I might as well, considering the amount of time we spend together. If I want to get anything done, I have to set my egg timer for 20 minutes, half an hour, or an hour to force me to concentrate. While that clock is ticking, I am not allowed to dick around on Twitter, feel inadequate whilst looking at Facebook, or scroll through Instagram and wonder why I fail to live my entire life against a perfect white backdrop. No, I have to work. And when the timer dings, I am allowed to go to the toilet, make a drink, and then sit the hell down and start again. This is what discipline looks like in the modern world and I don’t know what I’d do without it.

2. You have to do the work whenever it comes: As somebody who has spent almost every Sunday during the last five years strapped to a laptop, I am used to handing some of my weekend over to work. I have made a life choice which requires such behaviour. But as my writing work has very gradually started to grow, I’ve had to give up more than the occasional Sunday. You do the work whenever it needs to be done – whether that means the evening, early mornings, or an entire weekend. It’s a little tough to get your head around at first but when you’re trying to build something of your own, there’s really no other way to do it, especially when you still have a day job most of the week, as I do. But the fact that it belongs to you means you won’t really mind at all. You’ll just be a bit tired and consume more snacks than you ever thought possible.

3. Say yes and say it quickly: It’s extremely annoying when people tell you that success is often down to being in the right place at the right time. It’s even more annoying when they tell you that it’s also all about who you know. But they’re right. You’ve got to leap the moment you see something come up, otherwise somebody else will get in there first. You’ve got to tell the people you know what you’re trying to do so that maybe one day they’ll employ you to do it for them, or recommend you to somebody else. Just like when my mum told me that if I ate a whole bag of Cadbury’s chocolate buttons before I went to bed I’d get a stomach ache, it turns out people only say these things because they’re true.

4. …except to requests for you to write for free: Being asked to work for free is just part of the writing game these days unfortunately. When you’re at the very start of your career there is real value in taking all the opportunities that come your way – like any industry, everybody needs work experience – but then comes the moment when you realise you’ve done your time, you know what you’re doing, and you’re in this to make a living. Getting there felt bold but good and I won’t be turning back.

5. You have to be single-minded: I have to completely ignore my husband a lot of the time. He has become used to sitting in the house with a woman who speaks only to request a drink, ask if there are any Muller Crunch Corner yogurts left in the fridge, and to request that he please turn Better Call Saul down as she’s trying to concentrate. This was not included in our wedding vows. But then neither was the promise that being married to a lawyer would mean I could no longer enjoy legal dramas without constant reminders that they’re simply not realistic. We all have to make sacrifices. I am very grateful for the constant, unquestioning support I receive and without which attempting to follow my dreams would be a lot harder. From the looks of things, he is also grateful for the unlimited X-Box time that my pursuits enable him to incorporate into a weekend.

6. Repetitive strain happens: I reached peak First World Problem after a solid weekend of tapping away on my Mac when I realised I’d developed a repetitive strain injury throughout my right arm. My hand became a claw, my arm a solid block of ache, and my shoulders were so tight I think even the most skilled masseuse would have struggled to make a dent. I recommend learning how to operate a mouse with both your hands to avoid such injuries.

7. If you have to, buy yourself a rest: When you work for yourself and your house is your office, it can be a little tricky to switch off. Technically, you could always be doing some work, writing a pitch, or editing whatever nonsense made its way into your notebook that day. But that way lies exhaustion, tetchiness, and an all round rubbish house partner. You need to stop. And if that means paying to access your local spa, or for a train ticket to your mum’s house where she will speak to you like she used to when you tried to stay up beyond 10pm on a school night if you so much as look at a laptop screen, then so be it.

If you have to, buy yourself a rest 8. Telling somebody about an idea makes you feel accountable to them – and that’s a good thing: Like most people, I have lots of ideas every day. Some of them are creative and useful, and the rest could all be listed under the heading ‘Meals to which I could legitimately add cheese’. I’ve had a couple of ideas for longer form pieces of writing I’d like to do for a while but have been too scared to start. But then I told my husband and a couple of friends about them and now I feel like I have to give them a go because they’re going to ask me for an update and I do not like to let people down. If you don’t have a deadline created by an editor or an agent, I recommend making some up and getting people you like to hold you to them. If they’re real friends, they won’t stand for it when you try and use ‘being seriously behind with Coronation Street’ as an excuse for not having done any writing.

9. Rest assured, there is value in what you’re doing. As I’ve mentioned before, Wednesday is my most precious writing day. I experience a mix of emotions every week – sometimes I’m excited to get going on a project or to look around for work, and on others I sit staring out of the window and wonder what ever possessed me to spend my life in this way. This week started with a familiar bout of melancholy (not helped by having to dedicate half the day to filling in my tax return *twitches*) so I decided to start by listening to this recording of a speech by the author A.L Kennedy on the importance of the arts and writing and the difference it can make to people’s lives. It’s really quite amazing and gave me all the motivation I needed to get going. Because of course there is value in what we have to say and in expressing ourselves through our words.

Sometimes it helps to be reminded of that.

2015: This was the year

31/12/2015 by Charlotte Leave a Comment

2015: This was the year

This was the year when I started catching up with friends over breakfast. At, like, 7.30 in the morning. Actually, let’s rephrase that – this was the year I went MAD.

This was the year when I realised that most of the time I only cook meals so that I can eat the condiments that go with them. Don’t pretend you don’t do the same.

This was the year when 24 months after I started growing my over-plucked eyebrows back, one of them started looking almost normal. Pumped to see what 2016 brings!

This was the year when I started having to ask my younger friends if I’m too old to wear hi-top trainers/leather skirts/double denim. It was also the year when they were polite enough to say no.

This was the year when I saw my byline on top of an article I’d written for a magazine and I realised just how much I want that to become a regular occurrence (loads).

This was the year when I was forced to admit that lychees are delicious. Lesson: just because something looks like an eyeball, it doesn’t mean it won’t taste amazing in a martini.

This was the year when I resolved to be less afraid. I’m not sure I was, to be honest, but I certainly did a lot of things regardless of my fears, which is good enough. The most important thing is not to let them win.

This was the year when I went to Lisbon and learnt that it’s always worth telling a hotel that it’s your husband’s birthday (which it was, honest) because they might just have a little chocolate cake waiting for you when you arrive.

This was the year when I read books by amazing female writers and fell completely in love with each and every one of them. If I can just recommend one thing to you, read Bridget Christie’s book, A Book For Her. Read it and then phone me so we can discuss how brilliant that woman is.

This was the year when I couldn’t help also recommending: Amy Poehler – Yes Please, Lena Dunham – Not That Kind of Girl, Mindy Kaling – Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? (And Other Concerns), Bryony Gordon – The Wrong Knickers, Miranda July – The First Bad Man, and OH MY WORD JUST READ BRIDGET CHRISTIE ALREADY.

This was the year when I got to read published stories written by one of my best friends, Alexa Radcliffe-Hart (like this one, right here). The pride I feel for this woman – and for so many of the brilliant people in my life – reached new heights this year. If you know me, you’ll know I am a crier and that I have therefore spent a lot of 2015 dangerously dehydrated.

This was the year when I went to New York and discovered just how amazing breakfast can taste, how strong cocktails can be, and how many milkshakes one girl can consume in a week (a lot).

This was the year when I built this little website right here. It has its imperfections but they are my imperfections and I stand by each and every one of them (by which I mean that I have googled how to fix them but can’t find an answer).

This was the year that I turned 30. They said it would happen eventually and it did. But I’m OK with it. Because with 30 comes an opportunity to focus on what you really want to do with your life, and a new motivation to just get on and do it.

This was the year when I helped Leon write a Best Man speech and felt so proud watching him deliver it that I could have burst.

This was the year when I got sunstroke and learnt the hard way that you must RESPECT THE SUN.

This was the year when I started feeling really enthusiastic about fabric conditioner. Nothing makes me happier than a good smelling pile of washing and I don’t care who knows it.

This was the year that Leon and I celebrated our second wedding anniversary and I wrote this blog about marriage. When I read it back through, it makes me cry, which is a bit like laughing at your own jokes but much, much worse.

This was the year we went to Australia. I cuddled a koala, I fed lots of kangaroos, and I spent more time by myself than I ever have before. What I learnt was that I like my own company, but that my best memories are definitely made with other people/marsupials.

This was the year when I realised what a compliment it is for an adult to maintain their friendship with you. Remember: we’re in our thirties now, we don’t have to do anything.

This was the year that I realised more than ever that the best gift you can give somebody is your time. I’m very grateful to you all for giving me yours.

Happy New Year, friends.

30 years, 30 pieces of wisdom

12/07/2015 by Charlotte Leave a Comment

Hello, my name is Charlotte Buxton and I’m 30 years old. No really, I’m FINE with it.

Last year when I turned 29 I wrote this list of things I’d learnt by that point. And in the interests of tradition (and not having to come up with some amazing new idea for a post when I’m still exhausted from opening cards and counting my wrinkles) I thought I’d do it again following this more significant birthday. So here’s 30 things I’ve learnt in the last 30 years. And no, I haven’t just copied and pasted the list from last year and added one more thing to it. I’m old, I’m not lazy.

1. I haven’t had any children, but I’m pretty sure that looking after them will be easier than trying to keep an orchid alive.

2. A good sandwich is like a good man – hard to find but when you do, do whatever it takes to make it a part of your life every single day.

3. If I’m cross, there’s a 99% chance that it’s because I’m either hungry or overtired. And heaven help you if it’s both.

4. Related: If you suggest that perhaps one of those things is the problem at the time, I will punch you in the face (unless perhaps you have a biscuit for me?)

5. All your preaching about why you shouldn’t have chocolate for breakfast goes right out of the window the moment you try Nutella.

6. Nothing cures a hangover so well as time, total isolation, and the freedom to moan until the pain stops. Water also helps.

7. However recently you finished painting your finger nails, it’s still too soon to put on an oven glove.

8. There are some things in life that can be done quickly, and putting on liquid eyeliner is not one of them.

9. See also: painting a bathroom, curling your hair, and saying good bye to your mum on the phone.

10. Nothing is more important than knowing how to use the verb ‘evacuate’ correctly.

11. Never be afraid to try a whole new hair colour. It’s 2015 – worst case scenario, someone will know how to dye that sh*t back.

12. There is pretty much no situation in life that cannot be compared to a scene from The Thick Of It.

13. Whatever time you think you put the dinner in the oven, it was five minutes before that.

14. Related: life without an egg timer is a life lived in chaos.

15. Getting people to like your ideas is one thing, persuading them to pay you for them is quite another.

16. Pedicures are just another example of one of the many forms of torture we put ourselves through in order to look nice.

17. I have always got mascara on at least three parts of my face besides my eyelashes. And it is never intentional.

18. Jobs wise, the grass is most definitely not always greener on the other side. Be sure before you cross that bridge.

19. Yes it is annoying when people put make-up on whilst on the train, but for the extra five minutes in bed it gets you, it is worth p*ssing off an entire carriage.

20. Flip-flops aren’t shoes. I know it’s hard to take, but they’re not.

21. There comes a time when hobbies stop being just a nice thing to pop at the end of your CV, and start being the most precious part of your life. For me, that time is now.

22. If nature knew what it was doing, the banana tree would also grow chewing gum to eradicate the ‘like I’ve swallowed a compost heap’ feeling you get after eating a ‘nana.

23. There is nothing more fascinating than your own head for the first four hours after a hair appointment.

24. If only Cara Delevingne had been there to demonstrate the wonder of having full eyebrows in the mid-nineties, the brows of my generation would look very different.

25. Every person who is in love believes that THEIR love is greater than any other that has ever existed. Bless.

26. Friendship takes on a whole new dimension once you hit your late twenties when everybody finally admits how chuffing HARD life can be.

27. You don’t need to marry somebody rich or famous but you do need to marry somebody who will tell you when you’ve accidentally put together an outfit which makes it look like you’re wearing pyjamas.

28. Though it doesn’t sound like a life-altering discovery, when you find out that you can freeze herbs, it CHANGES YOUR LIFE.

29. There is no greater victory in life than beating somebody at a thumb war.

30. However mature you thought you were going to be by the time you got to 30, you were wrong.

16 things I’ve learnt from my mum

15/03/2015 by Charlotte 4 Comments

1. There is no situation that could not be improved by the involvement of a hot water bottle. A long car journey, a late evening trip to the movies, a stomach ache that just won’t quit – my mum’s got an HWB for every occasion.

2. A handbag should enable you to address any need that you, your friends, family or casual passers-by could identify. Got a headache? Worry not, she’s got her pouch of tablets. Need to freshen up? Well, would you like a Tic Tac or a Polo? Fancy a snack? Well, sure, but not before you’ve had a wash. You can choose between either hand sanitiser or wipes, which are stored in the specially purchased cleaning products purse. Turn your nose up if you like but if you want to eat you’re going to have to WASH THOSE HANDS.

3. When I’m not wearing mascara, I look unwell. If I had a pound for every time mum’s asked me “Are you ill or have you just not put your make up on yet?” then maybe I’d be able to afford to have my eyelashes permanently tinted and save us all a lot of trouble.

4. She may not always be able to hear what I’m saying to her when we’re sat next to each other, but she can hear me opening the fridge door from ANYWHERE.

5. Related: when we went to Japan last year, I bought my mum a small battery operated walrus that goes in the fridge and shouts something in Japanese every time the door is opened (presumably “Remember to close the fridge door!” or “That cheese has got to last all week, you know!”) It’s true, there really is such a thing as a perfect gift.

6. Greetings card occasions can creep up on you. But that isn’t a problem in our house, oh no. My mum has a special file that she keeps permanently topped up with all available types of cards to ensure that all possible greetings needs are met. Whether your friends have just had triplets or your neighbour is celebrating the completion of a new conservatory, my mum has got the card for you. She’s even offered to source cards for herself on a number of occasions but we have to draw the line somewhere.

7. Hands down, nobody’s washing smells better. Nobody’s.

8. Related: it might say ‘hand wash only’ on the label, but the exception to that rule is ‘mum wash’. I don’t know how she does it; I just know that I have so much confidence in her washing abilities that I’m pretty sure that even I would survive a spin in her machine.

9. Yogurts with the best sell-by date are always at the back of the shelf in the supermarket. Some things are worth getting a cold arm for.

10. That if my mum, my auntie and I are in the same room, the odds of being called by the correct name are extremely low.

11. That, no, I don’t need to leave the water running whilst I clean my teeth and, yes, I do care a lot more about wasting money now that I am responsible for the bills.

12. On a cold day, if one must leave the house, one should do so in jeans with tights underneath. No bug in no rug has ever felt so snug.

13. Come hell or high water, this woman will get her five-a-day. My mum can eat kiwis in a moving vehicle, apples in bed and bananas whilst cleaning the bathroom. Nothing gets between my mum and her fruit.

14. Little treats are the best. If my mum knows you like something, whether it’s a particular type of sweets or a brand of chocolate or, in my husband’s case, as much fudge as you can possible get your hands on, she will make sure she sends you off with some every time you see her. My treats bag also often includes a box of dishwasher tablets, which makes me happier than it probably should.

15. Receiving a hand written note from someone you love is one of the best things in the world. When I was at school on my birthday, my mum would slip a little note in my lunchbox to say ‘HAPPY BIRTHDAY!’ even though she’d obviously already said it to me that morning. I’d look forward to it every year. Similarly, if she ever left us alone in the house during the school holidays, she’d leave a note in the kitchen saying ‘Lunch in fridge please don’t make mess love mum x’ which I also enjoyed.

16. That the greatest thing you can do for another person is to never let them doubt for a single second that they are loved. I can only hope to nail this skill as well as she has.

2014 in review: 21 useful things I learnt this year

28/12/2014 by Charlotte 5 Comments

There’s a reason every single person on the internet is busy writing a 2014 round-up: because we all love to have an annual look-back on our lives.

We don’t make enough time for it. The most we allocate is a few seconds each day to realising that the tweet we wrote that morning wasn’t funny, or to regretting wearing that pair of tights that always falls down. It’s not really reflection, just instant short term regret.

So at this time of year when we’ve nothing to do but sit down, eat and watch Some Mothers Do ‘Ave ‘Em re-runs, we have the perfect opportunity to take a little glance over our shoulder at the year gone by and think about what we’ve done – for better or for worse.

I’m currently mentally preparing a strong list of resolutions (another ground-breaking blog post in the making) but I can’t do that until I’ve benefited from a little retrospect. So here it is – a few of the things I learnt in 2014. I hope you’ll find at least one or two of them useful.

1. Rhubarb is a delicious addition to a cocktail. ‘Tis super sweet, mind, but glorious if you don’t prioritise the health of your teeth. 2. There’s no better tune to dance around your house to than Does Your Mother Know by ABBA. Try it, I’m not wrong. 3. Japan is a marvellous place. The people are oh so friendly, the food is lush, and you don’t have to be a child to get into Disneyland Tokyo, thank GOODNESS. The only downside is that when your holiday’s over, you have to go home. 4. Kitchen refurbishments take longer than you think. It turns out that the novelty of ordering take-away can wear off. Who knew? 5. Writing in the morning is the nuts. You’re surprisingly awake and productive after a big night’s sleep. Well, DUH.

6. Good friends really come into their own in times of crisis. And for that I will always be grateful. 7. Some prawns contain histamine, which explains why I often get an itchy nose after a stir fry. I KNOW RIGHT. 8. Even highly successful, famous people feel like a bit of a dick sometimes, as I found out at this year’s Mumsnet Blogfest. So either suck it up or quit forever. That thick skin will keep you lovely and warm during the winter months. 9. Don’t forget to celebrate your achievements. I bought two pairs of boots with my first freelance monies and sing “These boots were paid by working” to the tune of “These boots were made for walking” whenever I wear them (even though it doesn’t really make sense). I didn’t get paid for being good at puns, OK? 10. Don’t be afraid to admit when you are struggling. There will always be somebody out there who can help you. Always.

11. Homemade fish and chips are delicious. However, deep frying them in a pan of oil without the use of a thermometer will set the smoke alarm off at least three times and make my husband – the most patient man in the world – completely lose his sh*t. 12. Tina Fey’s autobiography ‘Bossypants’ is the greatest thing that has ever happened. Seriously. 13. You’re never too old to just start crying because you’re too tired. All you can hope for is the wisdom to know that that is what’s the matter with you. Either that or a very patient spouse/friend who will work it out for you. 14. Mindfulness is the answer to so many of the world’s problems. If you haven’t tried it yet then I strongly recommend that you do. It’s hard work but wonderfully calming. 15. Drinking a whole bottle of champagne before cooking chicken satay will add an extra element of danger to proceedings (and possibly a little more chilli than you’d originally planned.) 16. Dyeing your hair a completely different colour is like putting on an invisibility cloak. My closest family and friends still struggle to recognise me. Shall I use my new powers for good or for evil?

17. Avocado is the greatest thing ever to happen to breakfast. That may be the most middle class thing I’ve ever said and I stand by it. 18. If you want to run a successful blog, you need a plan. It may have been the hottest weekend of the year but the time I spent at Blogcademy was unbelievably useful. Being a grown-up means being delighted to pay money to learn loads more stuff. 19. No longer reading The Metro and cutting down on my use of Facebook are two of the best decisions I have made all year. I now read more books and feel less bad about my social life. I believe they call that WINNING. 20. Never underestimate the power of the gift of a bag of sweets. Pure joy costs no more than £1.49. 21. Marriage is about holding each other up – sometimes physically – against whichever troubles, stresses or incompetent kitchen fitters happen to come your way. You must always be ready to put your arms out.

And you?