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Loneliness and time alone and how becoming a mum changed my relationship with both

20/10/2019 by Charlotte Leave a Comment

Our daughter was born and all of a sudden all those moments of time to myself that I’d never realised were such a big part of my day evaporated. Goodbye solitude, I’ve got company.

You don’t appreciate how many parts of your life constitute alone time until they reduce down to seconds grabbed between feeds, cuddles, and attempts to persuade your child not to dive head first off the sofa.

I look back on all those times I went to the toilet without somebody there to squish my tummy. On all those showers I had where I didn’t feel the need to poke my head out of the cubicle every 30 seconds to shout “ARE YOU OK?” to the little person in the cot in the next room. On all those train journeys I spent reading a book rather than supplying snacks to the small dictator in the pram, perched on the edge of my seat, waiting to see which of the items I’ve selected will be deemed acceptable today. (Fruit, mummy? Really? Try again.) Did I appreciate all that freedom? Of course I didn’t.

Nobody appreciates time until something changes your relationship with it, and becoming a parent definitely does that.

But while I find the lack of freedom hard, having such limited windows to myself has forced me to make the most of the time I do have more than I ever did before.

I’ve learnt to snatch moments to myself, however brief. Ten minutes with Friends on in the background while Leon gives our toddler a bath and I cook dinner. Forty minutes on my laptop on a Sunday morning before everybody else wakes up. Thirty minutes slumped on the sofa on a Friday evening in the gap between my return from work and Leon’s arrival with our daughter after nursery. I don’t mind admitting that I LEG IT home for that sit down. You’ve got to get your rest any way you can in this game.

When time feels so precious, you don’t let yourself waste it. I now know just how much it’s possible to get done in half an hour. Want the house tidied, a tray of brownies baked, and a week’s worth of washing put away? Get a parent whose toddler is taking a nap on the case – and they’ll still have time to negotiate you a new mortgage deal, too. I’ve been amazed and delighted by how the limits on my time have helped me focus my mind and get sh*t done, because I simply don’t have time to fanny about.

I’ve also changed how I think about how I use my days off work. I used to think annual leave had to be used for a holiday or a trip away, or at least for a fancy meal out. And of course it’s great to keep some for those treats, but now I also keep a handful to do the things I can’t do the rest of the time. To sit in a café and write a blog. To go to the cinema by myself. To listen to a podcast with swearing in it without worrying that I’m going to damage the next generation.

I adore my girl and value our time together more than anything else in the world. Being her mum is also the hardest work I’ve ever done, so I do my best to take moments to myself where I can, so I can give her all I’ve got when we’re together.

Because we’re together a lot – most of the time in fact – which is exactly how I want it to be. Nonetheless, one of the other things I’ve found most surprising about life as a parent is how lonely it can feel, despite the fact that you’re in company almost constantly.

It’s the weight of the responsibility, I think. On the logistical front, it’s being the one in charge of deciding everything that we’ll do, when we’ll do it, and what we’ll need to have with us so that we survive the day/avoid significant social embarrassment.

And on the emotional side, the desperation that (when it’s just the two of us) only I feel to get things right for her can feel a bit isolating, too. All I want is to make her happy and to create days that make her feel loved, inspired, amused, interested, and, let’s not forget, sufficiently pooped so that she’ll sleep well, for all our sakes. It’s a lot to be responsible for getting out of a day, and when things don’t go to plan – which is all the time, by the way – it can get you down.

I am of course not on my own. My husband is just as much a parent as I am. But for two days of the week, he’s at work and I’m at home looking after our daughter. And on the days when I do go to work, I do the majority of the childcare around it, because he works longer hours than I do. As a result (and because we live in the society that we do), it’s me who takes responsibility for most of the bits and pieces that keep us going day to day. The meals we eat, the endless supply of milk our daughter requires, the admin that gets our bills paid and keeps the roof firmly over our heads, and so many more things that find their way on and off the ever-growing list that lives inside my brain.

I am incredibly happy and grateful for our life and feel appreciated for my efforts, I just sometimes feel a bit alone in my role, too. I expect we both do.

But as our daughter it getting older (all of a sudden she’ll turn two next month) and she’s getting better and better at communicating, she’s taking an increasingly active role in our time together, and it’s making me feel so much more… accompanied in everything that we do.

She can now express opinions (which, of course, can be inconvenient/tricky to manage, but let’s focus on the positives for now, shall we?), so she can tell me what she thinks of the ideas I have for us. The other day I told her we were going to the farm and she said “Yay! Yarm!” and it made the whole trip that bit more joyous because we were in on the decision to go together.

For a while, parenting feels like something you do ‘to’ your child, rather than with them, because you just have to make decisions on your own. It can be a lonely job, being in charge all the time, so it’s nice to start getting some feedback. It’s most definitely not always positive, but when it’s good, it makes the meltdowns worth facing. And every meltdown teaches me more about how to empathise and communicate with a child who still has so little control over her world.

When you’re expecting a baby, you understand that you’ll probably feel pain during the birth, tiredness after sleepless nights, and a relentless need to go for a wee every 20 minutes for the rest of your life, but you don’t think about what responsibility for your child will feel like in practice. I didn’t realise how much effort I’d have to put into feeling content as an individual (as well as a mum), but I’m glad I have as it’s made all the difference.

Though a lack of time to myself can be trying, knowing that I’m making every moment I do get count helps me feel like I’ve had a break, even if it’s a short one. And when the pangs of mum-life loneliness kick in, I’m lifted by how much more confident I now feel to make decisions for us, to try new things, and to talk about what a roller coaster motherhood can be.

Posted in: On parenting Tagged: becoming parents, being a mum, being a woman, being by yourself, confidence, equality, having a baby, having a daughter, having children, hobbies, loneliness, marriage, motherhood, new parents, parenting, time alone, writing

Network-it: Why leaving the house can be a good thing

10/11/2013 by Charlotte 1 Comment

IMG_5238Before you know it, you’re an adult. There are a few ways of knowing this has happened to you:

– You need a job to pay for heating, carpets and food you want to consume;

– You’re allowed to go out in the evening without asking your mum for permission;

– You enjoy wildlife documentaries.

And all of a sudden, all the free time you used to wish away when you were a child has disappeared. The hours get used up by commuting and cooking and trying to pluck some sense into our eyebrows before you’ve even had a chance to think about what you might like to do with your life.

In the interests of having a little time each week to call my own, and that was protected from the lure of mopping the floor or attempting to match my freshly washed socks together, I started writing this blog.

It began because I missed writing (I was a newspaper reporter back in the day) and because I thought perhaps there were some laughs to be gained from making observations about extremely mundane things. I’ll leave you to decide if that’s true.

And many blog posts later, I’m still here, sat in my lounge of a Sunday evening with a Percy Pig egg-timer ticking away next to me, telling me I’ve got an hour to get this written before the butternut squash I’m attempting to roast for dinner will be done. I am either a model of multitasking or an idiot who really should have started writing earlier, depending on your view.

And every now and then it’s nice to meet other people who like to do the same thing. If nothing else it helps one feel a little less mad for spending part of the weekend writing words about handbag contents or people leaving the lights on. So this weekend I did a bit of ‘networking’ – a word that used to leave me cold until I realised it just means chatting – to find other people who know about this writing and blogging game, and to learn how to do it better.

On Friday I took part in a Q&A with Stylist magazine’s columnist Lucy Mangan after entering a competition to be one of ten people invited along. Besides being excited to be in the company of a publication and writer I admire, I was also just delighted to have actually won something. The last thing I won was a set of multi-coloured ring binders from WH Smith when I was 13. To this day that remains one of the proudest moments of my life.

And then on Saturday I ventured out to that Internet powerhouse Mumsnet for its second annual Blogfest – a whole day dedicated to celebrating women’s voices and to learning how to use them to best effect.

And I loved both occasions because, aside from teaching me lots of things, they also gave me a chance to face my fears; of speaking to strangers without any of them telling me to bugger off, of daring to call myself a writer, and of asking some famous and talented people for advice on how to do more of it. My palms were both cold and moist throughout.

But I left each event feeling what those of us who use phrases that went out of fashion five years ago would call pumped – both full of ideas and of pride at having done some learning when I could just have stayed home eating Pringles. (And at having the perfect excuse to go home and eat a whole tube to celebrate).

I will definitely be doing more of this; it’s amazing what you can fit in if you really want to. I can handle wearing mismatching socks for another week.

Right, now let’s make that dinner.

Posted in: Uncategorized Tagged: being a woman, Blogfest, growing up, hobbies, housework, Mumsnet, networking, Stylist, writing

HELLO, I’M CHARLOTTE

About me

Welcome to Nothing good rhymes with Charlotte. This blog is full of honest words about parenting, relationships, confidence and friendship. I'm here to help us all feel less alone and to make you laugh when I can, too. Want to hire me to write for you or just fancy a chat? Get in touch: nothinggoodrhymeswithcharlotte@gmail.com

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