happiness

Does parenting get easier? Nope, you just get more resilient

Leave a Comment

You’re about to discover just how strong you really are. That’s the sentence I find myself saying to friends about to have babies.

I say it because it sounds wise and reassuring, but also because it’s gentler than saying “That child is going to DESTROY YOU – but don’t worry, you’ll cope.”

The trick to parenting is resilience. Without it, you’re screwed. But the good news is, you can’t help but develop it.

As I see it, these are the three main things that simultaneously test and build your resilience when you’re a parent.

1. The fact that you don’t really have a choice

My daughter is almost 16 months old and at no point in her life so far have her demands been negotiable.

When she wants milk, she wants it now. When she wants a snack, she wants it now. When she wants me, for reasons only she understands, to let her into the bathroom so that she can grab a clean nappy and wear it around her neck like a scarf, she expects this opportunity to come about THIS INSTANT.

Since the moment she was born, it’s been our job to give her what she needs, when she needs it. No matter how tired, emotional, confused, scared, fed up, distracted or lost we felt, we had to keep going.

What it means to be truly at someone’s beck and call 24/7 takes some getting used to. You know that’s what you’re signing up for, but not what the reality will feel like.

I’m grateful that I don’t have a choice in the matter, that it’s my duty to serve her, and that I’m unable to function if she’s unhappy. Because it means I don’t have time to stop and think.

I don’t take a moment at 3am when she’s calling for me, to ask if this particular moment is convenient. And I don’t make time to notice that I’ve made her breakfast everyday for almost a year and a half now and never once has she even offered to make mine.

This is my job and I need to show up for it, rain or shine.

But of course that doesn’t mean your wellbeing isn’t important. Strength comes from giving yourself permission to matter too. To speak honestly about how you feel, to do activities with your baby that fill you both up, and to acknowledge that if you’re happy, they’re happy.

2. The fact that the best and worst bits will be a surprise

Your resilience is tested every time something happens that you weren’t expecting. Which is all the time.

Every single one of our best and worst moments has come out of the blue.

I didn’t expect to find breastfeeding so difficult.

I didn’t expect to realise in the middle of Heathrow Airport after we’d checked in our luggage, been through security, and ordered an ill-advised salad with a well-advised side order of chips, that those spots on our daughter’s ears were chickenpox and we wouldn’t be flying anywhere today.

I didn’t expect to spend 28 hours in hospital with her whilst she had antibiotics pumped into her little veins to rid her of an eye infection.

I never expect her to fall over but she does, all the time.

I often lie awake at night worrying about all the things that could happen and trying to work out how I can become organised enough to ensure that they won’t.

It’s a tough moment when you realise that there are only so many to-do lists you can write and parenting articles you can read. Surprises will still occur. But with every one that does, you gather more evidence that you can and will cope.

3. The fact that your heart lives in your child’s hands, and they can crush it whenever they like

I can find the words to describe most things, but I can’t describe the way I feel about my daughter.

When she was born, the love was so overwhelming that it broke us; more than the sleep deprivation or the attempts at feeding, or the c-section recovery. The hard and fast tumble in love with this baby was almost more than we could handle.

But of course, only almost. You get used to functioning in a world where you feel this way.

You get used to feeling genuine physical pain when your child cries.

You get used to how brutal it feels every time one of your efforts to give them a good start in life is rejected – a homemade muffin chucked on the floor, an attempt to get them dressed that ends in tears, a lovingly-read bedtime story during which they get up and leave the room.

You get used to feeling guilty every time they get ill, sad, hungry, thirsty, too hot, too cold, frustrated you won’t let them eat paper, displeased with one of their socks… basically every second of the day.

All I want on this earth is for my daughter to be happy, but because she’s a human being, she’s going to experience a lot of other emotions as well. As her mum I have to become resilient enough to handle that reality.

Because it’s not just me who needs to be able to cope. I have to help her grow up ready to face the highs and lows life will throw her way, too.

Five holiday habits to bring home with you

2 Comments

Holiday habits to bring home with youWe’ve just spent a glorious week’s holiday in Menton in the south of France. I’d never heard of it before we booked our flights a few weeks ago and now I have it to thank for a much needed seven days of rest,  swimming in the sea, and more photograph-taking opportunities than any Instagrammer could hope for. (I’ve written a little guide to my favourite places and restaurants to visit in Menton for any future visitors).

But when we returned to normality yesterday, I felt myself automatically slip back into behaviours that simply don’t exist on holiday. My priority stopped being what felt good and relaxing, and I started darting from one thing to another, and ended up falling asleep early doors with a headache.

So, today I woke up determined to try to live life a little more like I do on holiday by adopting five more en-vacances-like habits. I hope you’ll find them useful too.

1. Drinking enough water

Following a horrific dose of sunstroke a couple of years ago (which resulted in a journey of self-discovery in a beach chemical toilet), I now know to respect the human body’s need for water. And nowhere am I more conscious of this than on holiday. This trip I got into the habit of waking up and drinking a 50cl dose of the good stuff, and then keeping it coming throughout the day until my bladder could take no more. If sunstroke taught me anything it’s that there are worse things than needing the loo all the time.

I’m pregnant so hydration is a constant agenda item for me at the moment, but it’s also just good sense. I prioritised it particularly on holiday because I was keen not to feel rough whilst away, but what about the rest of the year? Feeling good at home is just as important, so let’s keep that H2O a-flowing.

2. Using your phone in a more considered way

Despite having written my own set of rules for a healthier relationship with your phone, I’ve still been spending too much time with mine. But on holiday I’m much stricter. Every moment we’re away feels precious and cannot be wasted scrolling mindlessly through timelines. I didn’t have a complete cut off – I’d use it in the evening to post a photo or two on Instagram and to respond to messages – but I didn’t spend half as much time on it as I do usually. And I was so much happier and calmer for it.

But as soon as I got home, I had my phone in hand and was flipping from app to app for no apparent reason; it was just habit. Time is just as valuable here as it is on holiday, so I’m determined to introduce more of my vacation attitude to technology into everyday life.

3. Reading, glorious reading

And very much connected to the aforementioned mobile phone time cut down is the excuse holidays bring to indulge in books. Of course, this treat is in fact available to many of us everyday, but I for one do not make the most of it. I read all the time when we’re away. Every day we went to the beach I’d leave my phone in the hotel and sit reading under our umbrella (until I had to go back inside to use the bathroom again, that is).

Reading is the most wonderfully calming form of escapism, so why don’t I do more of it? Again, I think it comes down to the amount that we value our time on holiday. We’d never sit in our hotel room scrolling through TV channels for no reason – this is time we’ve secured to rest so we must make the most of it. Well, now I want to do that with the rest of my life, too.

4. Having a right good look at everything

Exploring new places is one of the best things about going on holiday. The slow pace lets you take in the sites in your own time, with only the occasional need to remark about how very sweaty you’re feeling to interrupt your activities.

When I’m on holiday, I’m there to look at all of the things. The views, the buildings, the sites, the colours. But I don’t think I give the world anywhere near as much attention the rest of the time. I’m too busy needing to get on the train or to the shop or back home for Coronation Street. And while it’s reasonable to move a little faster in your everyday life, it doesn’t do you any harm to try to do just one thing at a time. To walk down the street, not to do it whilst also looking at your phone. To have dinner with your husband, not to sit there looking over his shoulder at an episode of Friends you can already recite word for word.

I’m person #857849 on the internet to talk about the joy of being present and mindful and whatnot. But there is a reason it’s such a popular subject. Injecting a little of that holiday pace and focus into real life can only make it more enjoyable.

5. Listening to what you need

It’s wonderful to go away or just to take time off at home. For once you have the freedom to not just do what you want but what you need, too. You can lie down when you’re tired. You can have a dip in the sea when you’re hot. And you can get away with eating a pain au chocolat for breakfast every morning because “that’s what the baby wants”.

Time is in your gift when you’re on holiday, which makes all of this easier to bring about. But by taking a break you’re also giving yourself permission to look after yourself. And I don’t see why we can’t apply the same rules at home. We don’t have to go out tonight if we’re not up to it. Nor do we have to answer that email or tackle that nasty mark on the hobs until we’re feeling more energetic. We can go to bed if that’s what we need. Nobody is going to say anything (and you’ll be asleep anyway, so).

You’ll never regret doing what you need to feel well, rested and ready to face the world. Only you really know what that is anyway, so it’s OK to make it happen.

I think we should start bringing more of the kindness we show ourselves on holiday home with us. I started today –  I took on one task at a time, I thought twice before picking up my phone, and I ate ice cream because I felt like it. As to how it’ll go when I have a more to do than a pile of washing I don’t know, but the determination to try is a good start.

Holidays may be a once-a-year treat, but the lessons they can teach us about how to get better at relaxing are there for the taking any time.