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School friends: The ones that didn’t get away

30/11/2014 by Charlotte 2 Comments

No-one is better at keeping you grounded than your school friends.

There aren’t many people who will take one look at your passport photograph and say: “No offence, but you look like a smackhead” or who will stand and laugh hard in your face whilst recounting (for the 58th time) the time you drank nine happy hour cocktails and danced alone on stage to The Jackson 5. (In my defence, it was my birthday and I looked excellent). But this is all in a day’s work for a friend who has known you since you were 13 and prided yourself on being able to recite every single word to Boyzone’s Love Me For A Reason (I can also do the official dance moves, if you’re interested).

It isn’t possible to keep hold of all your friends when you leave school, what with university and jobs and having to take charge of the weekly shop, so the ones you do manage to keep are all the more special. They’re the friends who have known you the longest, who have seen you through every bad haircut, fashion faux pas and unfortunate crush and, if you’re lucky, they’ll only mention each of them three or four times every time you see them. They’re kind like that.

All of a sudden your friendship shifts to suit your new adult lives. You’re no longer in the market for lunch break one-upmanship about who’s doing best in maths or getting off with who or how very dare she buy the same hot pants as you. Now we’re talking jobs and careers and – BLIMEY – marriage and babies, but we still throw in the odd anecdote from our younger days to stop us taking ourselves too seriously. (The one about the time I over-gesticulated and hurled my bracelet into the face of a stranger is one of my favourites, though I still don’t think she’d find it funny.)

These meet-ups are evidence that a joke can indeed remain funny forever. I have one friend with whom I have never managed to get through a drink or a meal without mentioning the time we went to see Shrek at the cinema and an unknown boy burped SO loud in my face that she and I were left helpless with laughter. I’m 29 now and it remains one of the funniest things that has ever happened to me, partly because surprise, aggressive burping is always amusing, but also because that moment really summed up my relationship with boys at that time – embarrassing, undignified, and often just a lot of hot air.

But aside from all the giggles and nostalgic chit chat about school trips and hair mascara and the time I thought blue and yellow braces would look good on my teeth (they didn’t), there’s also a lot of genuine love between us too. We’ve had the privilege of watching each other grow up, and take quiet pride in seeing one another slowly managing to get to where we want to be. I hope we never stop meeting and drinking and laughing, and I hope the stories never stop – yes, even the one about my ill-advised fuchsia pink pedal pusher phase – because they remind us of just how far we’ve come.

And if perhaps one of them would be so kind as to remind me of the above mentioned, nine cocktails/solo dancing story in time for my 30th birthday next year I’d really appreciate it. With my low capacity for alcohol these days, I’m more likely to pass out on the stage than dance on it, and I’m sure that, if that does happen, this lot are never going to let me hear the end of it.

5 things that happen when you dye your hair a completely different colour

02/11/2014 by Charlotte 1 Comment

There is no relationship more turbulent than the one we have with our hair.

One minute we’re the best of friends, making each other look good at parties, working together to hide the inexplicable shine on our forehead, and the next it’s like we don’t understand each other at all. Our ends are split, our parting’s all over the place, and goodness only knows what’s going on with our fringe.

And sometimes we reach the end of our tether. And for me that came a couple of months ago. I’d been dyeing my hair blond for the best part of 16 years and it was time for a change. So I went to see my hairdresser, closed my eyes and hoped for the best.

And within the hour I was a brunette (fun fact: dyeing your hair brown takes a hell of a lot less time than blond highlights. Regardless of what you think of the colour, you can’t argue with that kind of time saving). And so started a fun few weeks of living with a whole new look. So if you’re thinking of giving it a go, here are a few things you can expect to happen:

1. You will become frightened of your own reflection
Nothing makes a person more obsessed with their own appearance than a change of hair cut or colour. You can spot them – they’re the ones sat chatting to a friend in a cafe whilst looking over their shoulder at their reflection in the window, or pretending to be paying really close attention to stirring their drink but actually staring at their face in the back of the spoon.

But don’t be too harsh on them, this isn’t all vanity you’re looking at – it’s fear. When you walk out of a salon with a head full of hair that’s a completely different colour or length from what you’re used to, it’s hard to feel anything other than startled for at least a week. I’d gasp when I caught a look at myself in a bus window, shudder at the sight of tin foil, and almost pass out when I woke up in the morning and looked in the mirror (although, to be fair, that is nothing new).

2. People will ask you why you did it and you’ll have no idea how to answer them
And that’s because you’d have thought your reasons were obvious – you wanted to, you thought it would suit you and because, you know, you only live once and you can always dye it back (if we all get behind it, #YOLOAYCADIB will definitely catch on). And the problem is that, regardless of what is actually meant by this question, it always feels like either:
– I don’t like it and can’t understand why you would do this to yourself; or
– I can only assume that you’ve had some kind of breakdown
So you can either try and convince them that it looks awesome, or pretend to cry and hope they’ll buy you some sweets to make you feel better. I don’t need to tell you which way I went *chews strawberry foam mushrooms*

3. Your dearest friends and family will not recognise you until you’re standing directly in front of their faces saying “HELLO, IT’S ME!”
For the first few weeks after I dyed my hair, I’m pretty sure that my husband woke up every day and wondered who the hell was lying next to him. I’ve heard it’s good to keep your other half on their toes, but making them think that a crazy stranger has broken in and got into bed with them is possibly taking it a little too far. But, on the plus side, if you’re trying to avoid somebody or enjoy scaring the bejesus out of people you know and love; this could definitely be the approach for you. I also recommend adding some dark glasses and a plastic nose for extra horror.

4. And some people don’t notice at all…

It’s incredible. You go from blond to brown, add a heavy fringe and a chunk of red lipstick and yet some people – people you’ve known for years and years and years – won’t notice at all. In some ways it’s quite nice – it’s pretty nerve wracking the first time you step out with a new look so it’s kind of nice to be treated like nothing has changed. But on the other hand, it makes you wonder what it would take to get a reaction – a full face lift? A second head? If only I had the money, I would find out in the name of research.

5. Sometimes you’ll wonder what the hell you were thinking

The problem with hair is that you never really know when you’ve nailed it. One day it looks good and you love it so much you want to swish it in the eye of all your haters, and the next you want to chop it all off and start again. This is just what it’s like to have hair, no matter what colour it is. So it’s better just to give it a good wash and a blow dry and remember that you actually do like it, you’re just overtired and paying too much attention to birthday cards that say “Blonds have more fun!”

Or otherwise, remember #YOLOAYCADIB

5 things that happen when you have a fringe

21/09/2014 by Charlotte 1 Comment

1. You learn you can fit your head into any size sink
The first rule of fringe club is that you must NEVER TALK ABOUT FRINGE CLUB (mainly because people will think you’re a loser). And the second rule of fringe club is that a fringe generally needs to be washed every day. They’re just so needy. But what if you don’t want to wash all of your hair? What if you’ve got better things to do, like pair up your socks, oil your zips, or just have an extra half hour in bed? Well, then you’ve no choice but to stick that thing under a tap. I may not be able to do a forward roll, touch my toes, or stand up without saying “Ooh, me back” but when it comes to fitting my head into a sink; I’m as flexible as they come.

2. You’re always just one night’s sleep away from looking like an eighties throwback
Regardless of how much you blow dry, straighten or talk nicely to your fringe during the day, as soon as you get into bed, that thing is out of your control. No matter what I do, every day when I wake up my fringe is a good three inches above my forehead, making my look like a scarecrow that has spent the last eight hours flat on its face. If a bunch of crows every decides to try and burgle our house in the middle of the night, they are in for a very nasty surprise.

3. People treat you like a hero (sort of)
“I just couldn’t do what you do,” they say, when beholding your new fringe, as if you’ve adopted a rare, endangered animal as a pet or given up chocolate forever. “How are you planning to look after that thing AND hold down a full time job?” They look at you and shake their head, baffled as to how you manage to fit it all in. Sometimes I wonder myself.

4. You can hide a world of sins beneath a fringe
Shiny forehead? Eyebrows in need of attention? Rasher of bacon you want to save for your elevenses? No worries! A good fringe will hide every single one of those bad boys (though the bacon will start to slip down after an hour or so). However, what you can’t hide is the variety of other unexpected treats a fringe will collect during the day – mascara from the morning make-up dash, hot chocolate foam, bits of sandwich… You’ve really got to keep your wits about you.

5. You learn the hard way that, no; you shouldn’t try and trim it yourself

Put. The. Scissors. Down. Yes, I know it’s getting in your eyes and that you can’t see and that you’re starting to look like Cousin Itt from The Addams Family but do not try and cut that thing yourself. Take it from someone who wasn’t given such wise advice, had a go and spent the next two weeks looking like a three year old. You have been warned.