dating

Love your imperfections and someone else will love them too

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Sponsored post for Match.com

IMG_7499Years ago a man I liked took one look at my double jointed elbows and ran away because they made him feel sick.

I wasn’t expecting that, and clearly neither was he.

Both my arms bend further than your average limb – ‘hyperextension’ is the formal term, for the scientists amongst you. It actually means I’m extra flexible which is pretty cool and useful should you happen to drop your keys or wallet down the back of a radiator, but this guy clearly hadn’t done his research.

But never mind, it clearly wasn’t meant to be. Me and my bendy arms are very much a package deal and if you don’t like them, I’m going to have to leave you to retrieve your lost belongings by yourself.

But I must admit this little episode did make me a bit nervous. There’s already enough to consider when you’re trying to meet somebody – the cleanliness of your hair, the smoothness of your skin, the careful planning involved with arriving precisely on time for a date so as not to look too eager or aloof…

You can’t be worrying about what people are going to think of all the little quirks and imperfections that make up who you are as well. They’re just part of the deal, and the right person will like them. I mean, they’ll have to, you can’t change into somebody else.

Without quirks we’d all be super dull. I cry when I laugh – and I don’t mean just a few tears, I mean like I’ve just been told that my guinea pig has died – but I wouldn’t change it. Sure, I’ve had to spend a disproportionate amount of money on tissues and mascara over the years but it’s my thing. And at least you know when I like your jokes.

You have to be comfortable with who you are and to enter into relationships as the real you – and to find somebody who wants you to do just that.

I showed my husband my funny elbows on our very first date. A bit forward, I know, but I decided we should put our vomit-inducing cards on the table early doors to save wasting anybody’s time.

He didn’t care at all. He laughed and held out his hand. It turns out one of his fingers bends the wrong way at the joint. I don’t think I’ve ever been so happy.

Relationships aren’t about meeting somebody perfect, they’re about meeting somebody perfect for you. No matter how many traits and idiosyncrasies you bring to the party, the other person will have just as many. Sure, there might need to be a bit of compromising down the line if your imperfections include a penchant for depositing dirty socks around the house, or finishing your wife’s favourite ice cream and leaving the empty container in the freezer (just a couple of completely random examples I happened to think up…) but there’s plenty of time for that.

For now it’s about being proudly and unashamedly you. In my experience, anyone who wants you to be anything else simply isn’t worth the chase.

Love your imperfections and find someone else who loves them too with Match.com

For more dating and relationship tips, visit Match’s advice site.

The biggest risk to your relationship right now: That you just can’t be arsed

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20151112_132817I know, I know – you’re tired.

If we didn’t have to go to work or cook food or do washing then we’d have all the energy in the world for fun and frivolity, 24 hours a day.

It’s why the start of relationships are so amazing. You don’t just eat, you have dinner out together in restaurants by candlelight. You don’t just cook, you make them a meal that features more than one course, more than one recipe book, and you leave the washing up until the morning. And you just don’t do laundry. You buy new clothes. You’re dating, you haven’t got time for fabric softener.

But long term relationships are different. You go from living separate lives that coincide on assigned dates and times for no other reason than to have fun, to sharing a home, where you learn how to live real life side by side.

And inevitably after years as a couple you don’t get to just conserve all of your energy for parties and date nights and giggling at how you each pronounce words. You have to live.

You have to do the weekly shop, clean the fridge, sort your post into piles: to file, to shred, to recycle, to return to sender for the billionth time – no, Mrs Richards does. not. live. here. To do all the things that make a house a home.

Rather than big romantic gestures, you show a daily interest. You talk about his day, you recount yours, you tackle the big questions of the week – what are you doing with your life? How much longer can you realistically live in this house? How long do you need to defrost mince before you can eat it? What does Google say? Does it smell alright?

And though this is all the most glorious fun in its own way, it can also make you unintentionally lazy. You can get so caught up in the day to day, and so knackered by it all, that if you’re not careful you forget to make some time just to enjoy yourselves.

I’m conscious all the time of getting too comfortable, of letting myself get away with just not being arsed to go outside because it’s cold and because we spent four years paying off this DFS sofa so shouldn’t I be allowed to sit on it?!

Of course, sometimes you just need to do nothing. Hell, I’m all in favour of diarising that. And there is nobody better to do nothing with than a person who loves you even though your ideal night in involves cheese puffs, stretchy trousers, and falling asleep in front of Coronation Street.

But other times, you need to get out there and give your relationship the attention it deserves. Go eat burgers, drink cocktails, see a film and chat about it all the way home. You’ll never regret the quality time you’ve spent together – only that you didn’t have more of it.

I’ve written this all down because it dawned on me this week how very sad it would be for my energy levels to be the reason why the best element of my life started to fail.

Because it would be so horribly ironic if the thing about which I feel the most enthused, the most passionate, and for which I would leave all of the washing up on the side forever if that’s what it took, (*shudders*) were to crumble because I couldn’t be arsed to put the effort in.

And because learning these things and then writing them down is exactly what blogs are for.

Every now and then we all need a little reminder to put our time into what really matters – because hey, guess what, whatever happens, the sofa will still be there for us when we get home.

I guess we’d all best pop our coats on then, hadn’t we?

 

45 Years, September and Chance

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IMG_4418If you’ve read anything about the film 45 Years, you will know that it is most definitely not a comedy.

Charlotte Rampling and Tom Courtenay play a couple called Kate and Geoff Mercer who are preparing for their 45th wedding anniversary party. A week before the event, they find out that the body of Geoff’s first love has been found in the ice of the Swiss Alps, 50 years after she fell there. The film is about the impact that this news and everything that came before has on their marriage.

The film is excellent, I very much recommend it. Though I suggest doing what we did and watching it in the middle of the day when there are many hours left in which to feel happy. Like I said, it’s definitely not Wayne’s World.

I love going to the cinema. I love how a great film can leave you with so many thoughts to mull over, and how somebody else’s creation can reflect things that you think and feel about your own life.

It struck me that, more than anything, this is a film about chance. About people you happen to meet, the relationships you have, and the direction your life goes in as a result.

In a week’s time, aside from being September (hope you’re getting excited about Christmas, chums, because it’s COMING) we reach our second wedding anniversary and in a few more weeks it’ll be TEN YEARS since this little duo of ours got off the ground. A month of Prosecco, cards and Leon saying “I really think one anniversary is more than enough” lies ahead. I can’t wait.

IMG_20150830_203533Like so many things in life – relationships, friendships, chance samplings of a new kind of cheese – we could so easily not have happened. The night we met I really wasn’t in the mood to go out, and even less so to meet some new dude. But I did and now here we are. It’s good to have at least one good decision under your belt to help reduce the volume amongst all the horrendous ones when they wake you in the night to remind you what a dickhead you’re capable of being.

And, as a result of this almost near miss, when we got married eight years later our first dance was to Pulp’s Something Changed. Because besides being what Taylor Swift would call a ‘sick beat’, its lyrics perfectly sum up just how much of life comes down to chance meetings, and how one life-altering encounter can all of a sudden make all the other ifs, buts and maybes pale into insignificance. (And also because Jarvis Cocker is from Sheffield, which is where we met, and my plans are nothing if not neat and tidy.) Strap in.

When we woke up that morning we had no way of knowing

That in a matter of hours we’d change the way we were going

Where would I be now, where would I be now if we’d never met?

Would I be singing this song to someone else instead?

I don’t know but like you just said

Something changed.

That right there was reason #487 for me to cry all the way through our wedding (and any time I’ve listened to it since, to be honest). I think a lot about how different things could have been but then I stop because they’re not, are they? Because something changed. It sounds simple when you write it down. That Jarvis really knows what he’s doing.

It’s amazing where a good film can send your mind. And I know I’m going to be thinking about 45 Years for a long time to come.

About how striking Charlotte Rampling is. About how sad Geoff made me feel. About how much it made me want a car and a dog (I live in London, these aren’t things people just have). About what I’d have done in Kate’s situation – or in Geoff’s – if a previous love suddenly came back to haunt us. And about the huge role that chance continues to play in all our lives.

If you see it, and I very much recommend that you do, I’d be very interested to know what you think.

Don’t look too keen: Why dating rules were made to be broken

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Dating rules can be ridiculous.

Leave at least an hour between text messages.
Don’t accidentally point at wedding dresses whilst you’re out together.
Don’t do too much smiling in case they think you’re a psychopath.

Urgh, I’m glad to be out of it.

The rule I always struggled the most with was ‘Don’t look too keen’.

Now, this is not because I’m a crazy person with a body secretly tattooed with the name of every man I’ve ever admired (I’m afraid of needles, thanks very much) but because this rule is actually unfinished. What it should say is: ‘Don’t look too keen unless you’re ABSOLUTELY 100% SURE that they are equally keen on you in which case, do what you like’.

The game goes something like this.

  • Meet someone you like.
  • Appear interested but nonchalant, like a Coronation Street viewer passing the time with an episode of Eastenders. You’re here, you’re looking, but you’ve just got so much else going on.
  • Commence dating. Brush your hair and clean your teeth but don’t let them think it was all for them. There’s a good chance you’d have done that today anyway.
  • Begin to incorporate occasional smiling and physical contact into dates. Maybe even laugh at their jokes but don’t play with your hair. It’ll totally give the game away.
  • Undertake mind reading exercises/ask a couple of their mates if they’ve mentioned you, to confirm that they definitely do like you precisely as much as you like them.
  • Say something encouraging like “You’re nice” or “Those jeans fit you well around the waist” to let them know that actually, yes, you are interested too.
  • Enter balanced, game free relationship. Reply to their text messages when you want and perhaps even answer the phone when they ring you (unless Corrie’s on, obviously).
  • Get married. State just how keen you are in front of everybody you know.
  • Schedule regular occasions on which to demonstrate your deep felt keenness throughout the year, such as anniversaries, birthdays and Pancake Day.
  • Specifically do not appear keen on anybody else at all for the rest of your life, with the following permitted exceptions: David Beckham, Leonard DiCaprio (Romeo and Juliet era preferred) and anybody offering free chocolates, as long as you make sure you get enough free samples for both of you.

It’s an exhausting business. But here’s a thing nobody tells you. That isn’t really the end of it.

If you’re somebody who has worked tirelessly for years to ensure you’re always on the right side of the keenness tracks, taking occasional breaks to kick yourself hard in the shin for accidentally misreading a high-five as a marriage proposal, your guard never quite goes down.

Dating rules were meant to be brokenI think it’s because dating teaches us to be so cautious that when we do let ourselves relax, an alarm bell rings inside our heads and says WOAH WOAH WOAH YOU’RE VULNERABLE! QUICK, DELETE HIS NUMBER AND START PRONOUNCING HIS NAME INCORRECTLY! YOU NEED TO WIN BACK SOME POWER!

It can come up out of the blue. You can be asking an innocent question about the weekend ahead and your options for mutual socialising, and all of a sudden you’re feeling the need to clarify that you were just wondering what they were up to and you don’t even want to hang out with them anyway, and you have so many other options on the table you can hardly wade through them, whilst they look on, baffled.

It can be difficult to shake the dating game off. Of course some elements apply forever – it’s nice to listen to what people have to say instead of just saying “Uhuh” every ten seconds and continuing to look at Twitter, and washing is always a positive activity, but once you’re in a relationship it’s nice just to have a bit of trust and stop all this fannying about it.

The dating game is just that – a game. Sometimes you win – and by win I mean you meet somebody you like and who likes you and that you enjoy spending time together for an appropriate length of time (whether that be forever, or until you realise that you just can’t get past your differing opinions on who made a better Batman), and sometimes you lose, by which I mean that it leaves you wondering whether you should just marry your cat and be done with it.

But when it does work out, you have to just throw the rule book out and admit that you do indeed like another human being. Relationships do make you vulnerable because you can’t enter into one without admitting that actually you are rather keen. Queen Keen of Keen Town, actually, and you don’t care who knows it.

All you can do is try and find yourself in a situation where everybody is as keen as each other so that that never feels like a bad thing. With somebody who also believes that eight is the optimum number of kisses to include at the end of a text message, and who feels just as strongly about the apostrophe as you do, and who agrees that, yes, Pancake Day really is the greatest day of the year.

Relationships: Is this a test?

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IMG_4999People use a lot of different words to describe relationships: a journey, an adventure, a one way ticket to Smug Town… And whilst they’re all true (and the weather here in Smug Town really is wonderful at this time of year), they’re not the first words I would use. I would say that relationships are a test.

But, unlike school or university or learning to operate a car, this test doesn’t have an end point. There’s no exam or results day or dude willing to give you a licence if you just promise to start using your rear-view mirror. This test goes on indefinitely. As long as you’re together, you’ll be tested every minute of every day for the rest of your life. Sounds good, huh?

And though I realise that could sound like a bad thing – who wants to take A-level French every day? Non merci! In my experience, relationship tests are a lot more fun. Though now I think about it, they do involve a lot of the same modules…

1. Listening and interpretation 
The most valuable lesson you will learn is the difference between hearing what somebody has said and listening to what they meant. It’s a tough one to nail though, believe me. Let’s have a go now.

If I say “The bin needs changing” do I mean:
a) I love how full our bin is! Let’s keep it exactly as it is.
b) Let’s build Rubbish Mountain! Pass me those broken egg shells, will you?
c) It’s your turn to take the bin out. Please do it immediately.

Did you get it right? I hope so because if you went for anything other than c) then life is going to involve a lot more arguments than you might want.

Let’s try another one. If your husband says: “I’m at the pub. I’m just going to have one more drink and I’ll be home in an hour,” does he mean:
a) I’m actually already one my way home – I’m going to get back early and surprise you!
b) I’m being held here against my will. Please send help.
c) You might as well go to bed, I could be some time.

Unfortunately, the correct answer is c.

2. Speaking
There is a very close link between this module and the one above. If you want somebody to understand what it is that you’re really trying to say then you need to learn how to say it. Let me give you an example.

I used to think that if my other half asked me what was wrong and I just sighed and said “Nothing” then he would be able to use telepathy to figure out what was really going on. To me it was perfectly obvious that ‘nothing’ meant I was irritated that he’d left the bathroom light on AGAIN, that he finished all the milk before establishing my calcium levels, and that he kept picking holes in Coronation Street story lines. Or at least I did until I realised that he thought ‘nothing’ meant just that. I was sat there brimming with anger and he was just carrying on with his life like nothing was wrong. If I was ever going to get my point across, I was going to have to start using actual words.

I recommend that you do the same.

3. Writing 
In this modern world, relationships are lived out on email, text message, social media… which presents a constant test of your ability to write the right thing down. It’s crucial you establish ground rules to help avoid a word-based catastrophe.

What is your approach to texting each other? Do you include one kiss, three or 12? What is your standpoint on acronyms and trendy word shortenings? And greeting cards – what occasions warrant such a note? Are ready-printed poems acceptable or do you expect your own personalised verse?

If you don’t work this stuff out early doors then somewhere down the line one of you is going to get in big trouble. You’ll be sat innocently reading the paper on the fourth anniversary of the first time you went food shopping together and all of a sudden you’ll be presented with a card with a photograph of the two of you selecting bananas on the front and you’ll have nothing to offer in return. Don’t be that guy.

But don’t worry, the longer you’re together, the easier the tests will become.

You’ll learn how to ensure that an empty bin doesn’t mark the start of a rubbish fuelled quarrel, and that the sound of you exhaling isn’t enough to make your other half run for the door. Before you know it you’ll be texting sweet nothings and writing them limericks just to celebrate the fact that it’s Monday.

Just make sure you always check your spelling and grammar. Mistakes like that will lose you precious marks.

Relationships: The benefits of time apart

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102They say absence makes the heart grow fonder. And they’re right.

It also makes the eyes stop staring at the unwashed dishes, the mouth stop mentioning that the bin still hasn’t gone out, and the fingers stop pointing at that pile of clothes on the floor that ‘isn’t going to move itself!’ A little bit of time away from your other half will do wonders for your sense of perspective.

When you get married, you vow to be together forever. To share the good times, the bad times, and all the other times in between that are just sort of alright.

But nobody said you had to spend every waking moment together – in fact they’d be wise to make you promise not to.

In my experience, time apart is one of the many secrets to a happy relationship. There’s that, Netflix, home grocery delivery and an agreement that it’s OK for two people to feel differently about Match of the Day. If only they incorporated these things into the curriculum we’d all be a lot better off.

And, of course, I don’t mean long periods of time – assuming you actually like him or her that would most likely cause discomfort – but just the odd bit here and there. A weekend away with friends, a night at your mum’s, a day-long hen do/stag do/general drinking bender after which it’s best there’s nobody there when you get home to see just how green you can go – whichever way you do it, a bit of separation will do you both the world of good. And here’s why:

1. It gives you the chance to miss each other 
Before you live with your other half, you spend a lot of time missing them; waiting eagerly for the next day or night that you’ll spend together, counting down the hours ’til date number 19, or considering whether the time has finally come for you to mention that you were lying when you said you liked football. But once you’ve moved in, that feeling goes away. Sure, you might miss them when they’re at work or when you’re on the tube and thinking how much you’d prefer it if it was their butt that was three inches from your eye but, all being well, you’ll be back together in time for Eastenders. So incorporating a little time apart brings a touch of that feeling back – a little bit of longing to remind you that it’s still them that you want by your side – and most definitely not the round-reared stranger with no appreciation for personal space.

2. There’s nothing like a bit of perspective
No matter how much you adore one another, it’s still hard not to get caught up in the little things – the bathroom light he relentless fails to switch off, the pile of Busted and McFly CDs you refuse to throw away, and the two rolls of wallpaper you are collectively too lazy to put up. And if you never leave each other’s side, there’s a chance those things may start to grind you down – you’ll look at him and see an electricity bill and he’ll look at you and see nothing but your incredible taste in music. A little time apart can help give you your perspective back; some space to remember there’s more to this guy than his apparent ignorance to the rising cost of power, that there’s a reason you bought those headphones and that, lights on or lights off, there’s nobody you’d rather not put up wallpaper with.

3. You might get a text message that isn’t about food!
Correspondence, like all things, changes the longer you’re in a relationship. By the time you’re married text messages are mainly used to say things like “What do you want for tea?” and “Can you remember if we’ve got any peas in the freezer?” rather than “I can’t wait to see you” or “Your hair’s nice” (or whatever people say when they’re dating). But if you’re away for the night, it’s a chance to drop the domesticity and type out some words of love and affection. You can get back to thinking about the frozen veg situation tomorrow.

But of course, while there are lots of reasons to go away, thankfully there are many, many more to come home. You’ve just bought yourself a little time to remember what they all are.

You’ll arrive back fresh-faced, eager to see one another, and full of anecdotes from your time spent with other human beings.

And, if you’re lucky – if only for a little while – you’ll have forgotten all about that bin.

Relationship chit chat: Then and now

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003Saturday morning – One month into the relationship

HER: What time is it?

HIM: Erm… 11.28.

HER: Excellent. We don’t have to get up for at least two more hours.

Saturday morning – Eight years into the relationship

HER: Morning!

HIM: You’re up early…

HER: It’s the weekend and I really don’t want to waste the day, and you know my back hurts if I stay in bed too long these days. And you didn’t fill the dishwasher before we came to bed last night and somebody has got to do it. And I want to put a clothes wash on before I got to the post office. There’s just so much to do!

HIM: I’ll get up.

Saturday lunchtime – One month in

HER: What do you want to have for lunch today?

HIM: Ooh I don’t mind – let’s go out somewhere new and exciting!

HER: Ok!

Saturday lunchtime – Eight years in

HIM: What shall we have for lunch? Shall we go out?

HER: Hmmm no, I planned for us to have mackerel today.

HIM: Ok, but I don’t really fancy that.

HER: Well, we’ll be completely off schedule if we don’t have it – I planned it that way 10 days ago when I put the grocery order together. You should have said then if you thought you wouldn’t fancy mackerel today!

HIM: Mackerel it is.

Saturday evening – One month in

HIM: Let’s try that new bar you told me about tonight and stay out until god-knows-o’clock.

HER: Ok!

Saturday evening – Eight years in

HER: Let’s stay in tonight and watch a film. I hate other people.

HIM: Me too.

HER: And I could really do with getting another load of washing on too.

HIM: On a Saturday night?

HER: Yes on a Saturday night – imagine the sense of achievement we’ll feel when it’s all clean and we know we did it whilst everybody else was out standing in queues and dodging pools of sick.

HIM: …Ok… you do that and I’ll get the sweets.

HER: DEAL!

Saturday night, bedtime – One month in

HIM: It’s 4 o’clock in morning and I’m not even tired yet!

HER: Me neither! Shall we get chips and cheese and then walk two miles home and discuss how ace we both are?

HIM: YES – let’s do that immediately!

Saturday night, bedtime – Eight years in

HIM: Charlotte? Charlotte? CHARLOTTE?

HER: Bleurgh…. what?!

HIM: It’s half eleven. You slept through the whole film again. Shall we go up to bed?

HER: Hmmmnoooohmmmmm, I want to stay here.

HIM: Ok, well I’m going up.

HER: Hey, don’t go without me! Why would you leave me down here on my own?!

Saturday night, lights out – One month in

HER: The room’s spinning!

HIM: I know. Let’s just close our eyes and hopefully it’ll stop.

HER: It’s not working!

Saturday night, lights out – Eight years in

HIM: Honey, come to bed.

HER: I’m just completing my facial routine; you don’t want to marry somebody who doesn’t have a nice clean face do you? And then I’ve just got to check that all the doors and windows are locked, that the hobs are off and that you’ve remembered to unplug the iron – somebody has got to look after this house!

… (20 minutes later)

HIM: Can you please stop touching every part of the house and get into bed?

HER: *sighs* OK.

*climbs into bed* Night night.

HIM: Night.

…

HER: Did you put the dishwasher on?

HIM: *deep breath*

…

I’ll do it in the morning.