comedy

Body image: Be careful with your words

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20151112_101751After a week of activities celebrating all things International Women’s Day, one issue has stood out for me above all the rest.

Now this is a tricky statement – there’s a lot of stuff we need to put right, a lot standing between us and equality – and I’m not saying one thing matters more than another. I’m just saying that one topic that kept arising over and over again has really stuck in my mind and made me want to do something about it.

And that is: body image.

I went to see Caitlin Moran on Tuesday night (and wrote about it afterwards). I went to a brilliant event for UCL Women’s Day on Wednesday called ‘What’s funny about Everyday Sexism?’ and heard from the very funny and very wise Cally Beaton, Luisa Omielan and Laura Bates. And then this weekend I’ve been to more of the Women of the World Festival (WOW) at the Southbank Centre. (Yes I am quite tired now.)

And every single time, body image came up in a big way.

The way women and girls see themselves.

The inability so many of us have to just accept a compliment.

The level to which we – from a frighteningly young age – want to change the way we look, lose weight, be ‘prettier’.

The perception that ‘pretty’ means ‘successful’.

The terrifying damage that feeling we don’t look ‘right’ can do to our minds, our lives, our bodies.

The relentless apologising we do for our legs, our stomachs, our flesh.

The words so many of us use to describe ourselves – always caveated, mocking, self-deprecating.

The need for all of this to stop.

There are two short videos that you should watch on this subject:

At WOW, Radio 1 DJ and all-round excellent female Gemma Cairney showed a film she made for the festival last year. She’d been around the country speaking to young girls about the issues affecting them. It broke my heart.

Stand-up comedian Luisa Omielan does an amazing routine about the ridiculous way women speak about their bodies and why it needs to change. This woman is hilarious, wise as hell AND on YouTube.

We all know this is a big issue but it’s only when you see it on this scale, on this kind of stage that we realise how widespread it is and how urgently we need to make a change.

20160227_160954I’ve written before about my own inability to take a compliment without making a joke. This remains a struggle. Partly because I enjoy making bad jokes more than I should, and partly because I’m genuinely just too embarrassed to say “Thank you. I chose this outfit/hair cut/pair of gold polka dot brogues on purpose and I stand by that decision.” After this week, I am going to get better at this.

Because not only is it important for my own happiness, confidence, and basic good manners, it’s important for all of us. We need to be careful with our words. The more we hear people putting themselves down, the more we think that’s what we all have to do, that it’s the polite way to speak about our bodies.

The more we stand in front of the mirror next to a friend saying ‘OH MY GOD I LOOK LIKE AN ACTUAL BAG OF RUBBISH. I SHOULDN’T BE ALLOWED OUTSIDE!’ the more they’re going to respond with ‘YOU LOOK LIKE RUBBISH? I LOOK LIKE A BANANA THAT’S BEEN TRAVELLING AROUND IN SOMEONE’S HANDBAG FOR A WEEK – JUST A MESS!’

Seriously, why is this a thing?

There is much to be done about what other people expect from women in terms of our appearance – about the way we’re represented, about what we’re all taught about how women and girls supposedly should look.

But starting with the way we talk about our own bodies and those of our friends and peers is most definitely a good place to start.

Because if we all stop saying the bad things, eventually we’ll stop hearing them.

And if we all stop hearing them, then perhaps we’ll stop believing them.

And if we all stop believing them, the better prepared we’ll be to take on anyone who dares suggest that we should be anything other than just the way we are.

Life lessons from Bridget Christie: Write about the things you care about

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20160207_121956-1-1I’m a huge fan of Bridget Christie. I wrote in my 2015 round-up that her book A Book For Her was the best thing I read last year, and I think it’s actually one of the best things I’ve ever read. It’s very funny and it taught me a lot about feminism. I devoured it like one might a bag of crisps after a long walk. I just couldn’t get enough.

As I said in one of my last posts (about what Tina Fey’s book Bossypants taught me about how she and Amy Poehler avoid worrying about what other people think), it means so much to have role models who talk about how they have found a way to get to where they want to be. I’ve reached a stage in my life where I can’t get enough of hearing how other people do it. Strange, isn’t it, how when we no longer have to learn, we suddenly want to do as much learning as possible.

Bridget Christie has been on the comedy circuit for years. She used to, as she puts it, dress up ‘as dead kings and insects and plagues and fire and things like that’. Then, just when she was thinking about giving up on the whole comedy thing, she decided, for her final hurrah, to write a show about a topic she’s genuinely interested in: feminism. And, much to her surprise, it changed everything. She won the 2013 Foster’s Edinburgh Comedy Award for her show A Bic For Her and the rest, as they say, is history.

I went to see her most recent stand-up show – also called A Book For Her – at the weekend and it reminded me of what following her success has taught me.

This is a woman who has done really well because she’s extremely talented and hilarious, but also because she had the guts to write and to talk about what matters to her (and what should matter to everyone).

20160206_115021We’re all better at our work when we focus on something that interests us. It’s obvious – the more we care about something, the more of ourselves we’re going to put into it. And the more of our heart we put in, the better we’ll be at encouraging other people to be interested in it too.

As I talked about not so long ago, I’m starting out as a freelance writer. I am trying to make my way in a sector which is already seriously oversubscribed and I find it extremely overwhelming. Wednesdays are my assigned writing days (although I obviously do it more frequently than that and think about it ALL the time) and I have regular dips where I wonder what on earth I think I’m doing, who I think I am, and why I’m even bothering because CLEARLY THERE ISN’T ROOM FOR ME.

Now, this voice is not to be listened to – it’s just the sound of imposter syndrome which most of us experience every day one way or another. So to try and avoid it, when I’m struggling to know where to put myself, I go back to my list of things that I am most interested in. The things that I like writing about, that I know about, and where I really have something to offer. And from there, well, the ideas gradually start to come. It’s very much a work in progress, but it’s a starting point, and we all need one of those.

Of course, it’s not possible to just work on things you’re most interested in all the time – girl gotta get paid, yo. You also need to keep an open mind because you never know which new things you come across might make it onto your list. I’ve found myself writing about topics which I might not have previously thought would be my bag that have then turned out to be something I’ve loved looking into.

But when things are quiet on the work front, or when you have some spare time, it’s good to do a bit of writing just for the love of it about whatever it is that you want to talk about. Because that way is sure to lie some of your best work and you just never know where it might take you.

Who knows it could be an award winning stand-up show or an amazing book. Or it could just be a blog post that your mum is kind enough to read. Either way, you’re bound to have some of your happiest hours just getting it onto the page.

I’m always looking for my next source of inspiration to join Bridget, Amy and Tina (sure, we’re on first-name terms) on my list of go-to people for a spot of reassurance that even the very best of writers have their struggles. So if there’s anybody whose words and tales you find particularly helpful, please leave me a comment/send me a tweet/carrier pigeon and let me know.  

Life lessons from Amy Poehler and Tina Fey: We don’t f*cking care if you like it

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I love it when a book has such a profound effect on you that you think about it every day.

For me that book is Bossypants by Tina Fey. I loved every single word. I read it on the tube to work and it made me want my commute to last longer. This is a significant compliment. I travel to work on the Northern Line, London’s very own moving oven.

There is a chapter in the book called ‘I Don’t Care If You Like It (One in a series of love letters to Amy Poehler)’. If they did wallpaper with the words from this chapter on it, I would use it to redecorate my house. In the interests of the continuation of my marriage, it’s probably best that that particular product remains unavailable.

Tina writes about when Amy joined Saturday Night Live:

“…she did something vulgar as a joke. I can’t remember what it was exactly, except it was dirty and loud and “unladylike.”

Jimmy Fallon, who was arguably the star of the show at the time, turned to her and in a faux-squeamish voice said, “Stop that! It’s not cute! I don’t like it.”

Amy dropped what she was doing, went black in the eyes for a second, and wheeled around on him. “I don’t fucking care if you like it.” Jimmy was visibly startled. Amy went right back to enjoying her ridiculous bit. (I should make it clear that Jimmy and Amy are very good friends and there has never been any real beef between then. Insert penis joke here.)

With that exchange, a cosmic shift took place. Amy made it clear that she wasn’t there to be cute. She wasn’t there to play wives and girlfriends in the boys’ scenes. She was there to do what she wanted to do and she did not fucking care if you like it.”

Tina goes on to explain how important those words “I don’t fucking care if you like it” are when you’re coming up against other people’s opinions whilst trying to get to where you want to be.

She says that you should ask yourself: “Is this person between me and what I want to do?” If they’re not, ignore them and move on. If they are, find someone who does think it’s a good idea and, as Tina writes, with time opinions will change organically. You need to have faith in what you’re trying to do. Do your thing and don’t care if they like it.

This chapter was a game changer for me. It never occurred to me not to care. I’ve always cared so bloody much what people think. But we all know that this is a pointless way to live. Whenever I have had any success, I have managed it because I’ve been single-minded and focused on what it will take to get from A to B – and not on what anybody else has to say about it.

As a woman who is often* trying to be funny, I found these words particularly helpful. Even in this day and age when anybody worth speaking to has worked out that hey, guess what, your sex doesn’t decide how amusing you’re capable of being, there are still plenty of people who need to be walked through it. So to read how two of my heroes avoid letting fear of being disliked bring them down was invaluable.

So when I start to feel self-doubt starting to kick in, I just think: ‘What would Amy and Tina do?’ And so should you.

All together now: We don’t fucking care if you like it!

 

*ok, fine: ALWAYS