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16 things I’ve learnt from my mum

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1. There is no situation that could not be improved by the involvement of a hot water bottle. A long car journey, a late evening trip to the movies, a stomach ache that just won’t quit – my mum’s got an HWB for every occasion.

2. A handbag should enable you to address any need that you, your friends, family or casual passers-by could identify. Got a headache? Worry not, she’s got her pouch of tablets. Need to freshen up? Well, would you like a Tic Tac or a Polo? Fancy a snack? Well, sure, but not before you’ve had a wash. You can choose between either hand sanitiser or wipes, which are stored in the specially purchased cleaning products purse. Turn your nose up if you like but if you want to eat you’re going to have to WASH THOSE HANDS.

3. When I’m not wearing mascara, I look unwell. If I had a pound for every time mum’s asked me “Are you ill or have you just not put your make up on yet?” then maybe I’d be able to afford to have my eyelashes permanently tinted and save us all a lot of trouble.

4. She may not always be able to hear what I’m saying to her when we’re sat next to each other, but she can hear me opening the fridge door from ANYWHERE.

5. Related: when we went to Japan last year, I bought my mum a small battery operated walrus that goes in the fridge and shouts something in Japanese every time the door is opened (presumably “Remember to close the fridge door!” or “That cheese has got to last all week, you know!”) It’s true, there really is such a thing as a perfect gift.

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6. Greetings card occasions can creep up on you. But that isn’t a problem in our house, oh no. My mum has a special file that she keeps permanently topped up with all available types of cards to ensure that all possible greetings needs are met. Whether your friends have just had triplets or your neighbour is celebrating the completion of a new conservatory, my mum has got the card for you. She’s even offered to source cards for herself on a number of occasions but we have to draw the line somewhere.

7. Hands down, nobody’s washing smells better. Nobody’s.

8. Related: it might say ‘hand wash only’ on the label, but the exception to that rule is ‘mum wash’. I don’t know how she does it; I just know that I have so much confidence in her washing abilities that I’m pretty sure that even I would survive a spin in her machine.

9. Yogurts with the best sell-by date are always at the back of the shelf in the supermarket. Some things are worth getting a cold arm for.

10. That if my mum, my auntie and I are in the same room, the odds of being called by the correct name are extremely low.

11. That, no, I don’t need to leave the water running whilst I clean my teeth and, yes, I do care a lot more about wasting money now that I am responsible for the bills.

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12. On a cold day, if one must leave the house, one should do so in jeans with tights underneath. No bug in no rug has ever felt so snug.

13. Come hell or high water, this woman will get her five-a-day. My mum can eat kiwis in a moving vehicle, apples in bed and bananas whilst cleaning the bathroom. Nothing gets between my mum and her fruit.

14. Little treats are the best. If my mum knows you like something, whether it’s a particular type of sweets or a brand of chocolate or, in my husband’s case, as much fudge as you can possible get your hands on, she will make sure she sends you off with some every time you see her. My treats bag also often includes a box of dishwasher tablets, which makes me happier than it probably should.

15. Receiving a hand written note from someone you love is one of the best things in the world. When I was at school on my birthday, my mum would slip a little note in my lunchbox to say ‘HAPPY BIRTHDAY!’ even though she’d obviously already said it to me that morning. I’d look forward to it every year. Similarly, if she ever left us alone in the house during the school holidays, she’d leave a note in the kitchen saying ‘Lunch in fridge please don’t make mess love mum x’ which I also enjoyed.

16. That the greatest thing you can do for another person is to never let them doubt for a single second that they are loved. I can only hope to nail this skill as well as she has.

Six ways to tell that you’re no longer newlyweds

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1. People no longer congratulate you for getting married
The world has moved on. If people say congratulations to you now it’s because they’re astounded that you’ve managed to show up on time, or they like your choice of cardigan or because you’ve managed to clean your teeth without spilling any on your clothes (an achievement very much deserving of applause). And if they do congratulate you for having a spouse, it’s not for marrying them in the first place, but the fact that – in spite of your passive aggressive approach to deciding whose turn it is to take the bin out – you’ve managed to keep hold of them for a whole nine months since.

2. You haven’t been given a new piece of crockery for months 
When you first get married you can’t move for plates, vases and ramekins laced with kind wishes for your future happiness from your nearest and dearest (as well as, in the latter item’s case, a legitimate excuse to eat nothing but chocolate mousse until your first anniversary). But the gifts have to stop some time. How many snack bowls can one couple realistically own? And when they do, you realise that you’re now going to responsible for replacing each and every one after you inevitably overfill the dishwasher and break them. It’s just a matter of time.

3. Remembering your new surname is now just another piece of admin
When you first get married, you can’t say your new surname without giggling. Every poor bastard who has the misfortune to serve you in a bank or a takeaway has to endure the “Oh sorry, it’s just I got married recently and I can’t seem to remember who I am!” banter that you think is hilarious but that they think is tedious. (Though, to be fair, you’d think the people at the takeaway would be on first name terms with me by now. I guess they must just call me: Number 6, 54 and a sticky rice.) But now that you’ve got used to it, your main concern is just getting people to spell it correctly. When my surname was Reeve I’d say: “It’s Reeve like Superman!” And now that I’m Buxton I say: “It’s Buxton like the water!” Because even though I’m married, I am still FUN.

4. The honeymoon period is over
As I said in this post, when you’ve been together for more than eight years, it’s not realistic to expect the honeymoon period to last any longer than the honeymoon itself. You’re under no illusions about what you’ve signed up to – he knows you consume an unhealthy level of processed cheese, you know that he consumes an unhealthy level of ball-based sport – so there are few surprises that married life can bring. And so once you’ve returned from the honeymoon, finished the last of the champagne and changed your name on Facebook, it’s not long before you’re back to discussing whether there’s room for a toilet roll holder in the downstairs bathroom. (Unfortunately the answer is no but I think our marriage is strong enough to get through this.)

5. Millions of other people have got married since you did 
Despite what you might believe when you’re planning the wedding and swearing you’re the first person in the entire world to ask your guests to place the cards they’ve kindly written for you into a vintage birdcage (even though you saw the idea on Pinterest), you are not the only person to have come up with the idea of getting married. And though it might be tempting to show up at other people’s weddings wearing your own gown, just to prove that it still fits, please don’t. Paying to have that thing dry-cleaned twice would be madness.

6. People have even stopped asking when you’re going to have children
When you first get married, people feel a strange compulsion to ask when you’re going to start a family. Heaven forbid you should just enjoy the first few months of married life in front of the television with a bag of cheese puffs – no, you must start creating miniature versions of yourself, post-haste! But after a few months, they stop asking. And it’s either because they realise that the inner workings of your marital affairs is actually quite a personal subject, or everybody’s just got distracted by the World Cup. Either way, enjoy the silence while it lasts and get tucking into those cheesy snacks. Something tells me you’ve got just the bowl for them.