ambition

Do you remember when all you wanted was everything that you’ve got now?

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Do you remember when all you wanted was everything that you've got now?Somebody put this on Twitter recently and I’ve been thinking about it ever since.

Because, now you come to mention it, yes I do remember, but I hardly ever take the time to acknowledge it. And isn’t that a shame.

Human beings are wired to be accidentally ungrateful. Or perhaps it would be fairer to say that we’re wired to be ambitious. Always striving for the next thing rather than basking in the glory of having achieved our goals. But why don’t we realise that we can do both?

There was a time when all I wanted was to see Leon everyday. We lived in different cities for a couple of years whilst he studied and I worked. I thought that if we could just live together and we could hang out every night, I’d be the happiest girl alive.

And now? Well, now I do get to see him everyday. And, yes I am incredibly happy. But I’d be even happier if I could see him everyday AND he could remember to take the rubbish out on bin day. Or if I could see him everyday AND he could pop his boxer shorts into the laundry basket instead of next to the laundry basket. THEN I would be the picture of contentment, I promise. As if any of that bullshit even matters.

We do it with our careers too. Not long ago, all I wanted was to write in my own time and be paid for it. I could only imagine what it would do for my confidence and sense of self-worth, if only I could make it happen.

And now it does happen. Not all the time, obviously, because that’s not how the freelance roller coaster works. But it does occur a fair amount. I even have the guts to ask for appropriate fees now, too – something else I fantasised about  – because with every commission I know more about what I’m doing.

Do you remember when all you wanted was everything that you've got now?And I’m really happy about it, but I also spend a lot of the time that I could dedicate to being pleased to worrying. About messing up a job, or not finding the next one, or how I’ll manage to fit it all in. Your mind sees the opportunity to step back and feel content and fills the time with concern instead, the silly sausage.

There have been so many things I’ve begged the universe to make happen. For people to travel home in one piece, for babies to come into the world safely, for celebrations to go off without being spoilt by the memory of me tumbling into them down a flight of stairs or vomiting all over myself. And for the most part, the universe has delivered, which is damn nice of it – but I’m not sure I’ve really given it the credit it’s due.

One of my biggest fears about having a baby (and I have a lot should you wish to hear them) is that I’ll blink and miss it. That I’ll be so focused on surviving that I won’t stop to look at this little person we’ve made and to feel grateful. That I’ll get the balance wrong and dedicate too much time to the wrong things and regret it forever.

These worries themselves are a perfect example of a terrible use of time, even though I know it’s all part of the parenting deal. Because I wanted this, so I need to make time to remember how lucky we are that it’s coming about.

Twitter can be a barren wasteland of despair sometimes (and particularly during 2017, it seems) but sometimes it brings you a point of view that changes the way you think, and for that reason I’ll never leave.

This simple question has stuck with me and I’m determined to keep it in mind. Because I’m the first to wallow when things don’t pan out as I’d hoped – and I never question whether that’s a good use of time. So it’s OK to take a moment to notice when the precise outcome you wanted has come about too.

It’s not gloating, it’s gratitude, and there’s plenty of space for more of that in the world.

In your thirties? How to overcome your inevitable existential crisis

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img_7368I’ve noticed a pattern emerging amongst my fellow thirty-somethings. Every one I talk to seems to be asking themselves the same questions:

What am I doing with my life?

Why aren’t I as successful as (insert name of friend/foe/celebrity/fictional character)?

Why haven’t I achieved absolutely everything I can think of?

How on earth would I fit it all in, anyway?

I wonder if this is symptomatic of being this age. I think we all had certain expectations about what it would feel like to be 30+ and it’s hard to find that they haven’t come true. Just because our careers are ten years old, it doesn’t mean we necessarily all know what we want to do with our lives. Just because we’re in relationships, it doesn’t mean we feel grown up enough to tackle the very adult stuff around the corner – babies, mortgages, cars, commitments. And just because we have ambitions, it doesn’t mean we’ve made the progress with them that we want, or that we yet know how to even get them off the ground.

My friend told me the other day that any time she sees a film set in space, she’s reminded that she’s not an astronaut, so what has she even achieved really? I mean, she’s run the marathon, climbed Snowdon, cycled 100 miles in one go, and travelled the world, but she isn’t a spacewoman so OBVIOUSLY she’s failed.

I get it, I feel the same every time I read a book (which is frequently). I keep a list of everything I’ve read this year and it’s currently also doubling up as a list of everything I haven’t written. Way to turn a positive into a negative, Charlotte!

Welcome to the modern world where perspective is in short supply. But how do we drag ourselves out of this rut? Here are my suggestions:

20160907_152013These people you’re comparing yourself to – who are they, exactly?

I seem to waste a worrying amount of time comparing myself to people I don’t even know. People I follow on Twitter and Instagram, famous people, people on the street who I assume based on their jeans and top combination are nailing life…

But this is ridiculous. You know nothing about these people – about their lives, their backgrounds, their problems, their anxieties, their connections, their ANYTHING. You’re just letting your emotions be affected by a set of circumstances you in no way understand. By all means, be inspired by the achievements of others, but don’t feel bad because you haven’t got the same list; it’s a total waste of your time.

“But what if you’re comparing yourself to someone you do know?” you cry.

My response is this: no two human beings are the same and therefore the odds of achieving exactly the same things are extremely low. We bring different skills, perspectives, motivations and energy levels to everything that we do so we’re simply not going to live our lives in the same way.

I think it’s human nature to feel envious when we see people doing well in their field – particularly if we’re feeling under confident about our achievements within our own – but it isn’t healthy or helpful to get down about it. Why didn’t you come up with the same idea as them? Well, maybe it’s because you don’t have the expertise or the interest to do so, or, if you do, perhaps you just don’t have the time and space to have got there just yet. It’s not about making excuses – if you want something give it everything you’ve got – but don’t beat yourself up for getting there in your own time. And certainly don’t waste energy being envious of achievements you don’t even aspire to have – you could definitely be putting that to much better use.

If you want to feel more positive, you’re going to have to put the effort in

We aren’t tuned as human beings to focus on the positive aspects of our lives. I recommend reading this article on The Atlantic about how to build a happier brain. It’s all about the fact that, despite the vast level of positive things going on in our lives, we’re naturally wired to focus on the negative. This is because, way back when, we’d need to put real effort into staying alive – to not being eaten by lions or bears or whatever – so it made sense to always focus on the negative because otherwise the negative might kill us. But now, all being well, that isn’t a risk, and the negative aspects of our day are really not so bad and yet we still find reasons to focus on them because it’s the most natural position to take. So if we want to change this, we have to make our brains catch up with how good modern life actually is – to bring in the good thoughts, to make positivity a part of our day, and to gradually rewire our brains.

I know, as if we don’t already have enough to do!

20160910_115502Be honest about how much you really care

One of the most infuriating things about feeling inadequate, is that we can sometimes let ourselves feel it about things we don’t even really care about. You can find out that somebody else has been promoted into a role you really couldn’t bear to do, and still feel terrible because – even though you didn’t want it – you still feel that you’ve failed. You’ve failed by not being ambitious enough, in not pushing for the big title and money. Whereas actually you’ve succeeded – you dodged a position you didn’t want.

Knowing what you don’t want is just as much of an achievement as knowing what you do. It doesn’t feel like it, but it is. This knowledge frees you up to spot things that you would enjoy. Life is just one big whittling down process and you’re now one item further down on the list. Why don’t we go out for drinks to celebrate THAT?

But if you do want it, have you really tried yet? 

OK, I’ll go first – NOPE. Not really. There are things that I’m frustrated to have not yet achieved that I have barely even attempted, so how can I justify feeling blue about it? At least try and fail before making time for sulking.

One of my biggest issues is focus: too many plates spinning at one time and not enough time and energy dedicated to getting the perfect turn on just one of them. This is partly down to being indecisive – I want to do everything and ideally immediately – but there’s also some fear, self-doubt, and basic poor time management thrown in for good measure.

These things are all resolvable. Don’t be scared – what’s the worst that can happen? Believe you can do it – because if you don’t, who else will? And just organise yourself better. I’m not going to suggest getting up earlier (although that is of course an option), I think it’s more about how you use the time you have. For me that means less dicking about on Twitter and more productivity.

img-20160911-wa0006Be a more informed user of the Internet, watcher of television and reader of magazines

Modern life is all about projection and it’s exhausting. Social media is filled with positive news about people’s jobs and relationships and whatnot and it can feel hard to escape from. I do it – I share things I’ve written because how else am I going to get people to read anything? But if social media were an honest reflection of life attempting to realise your dreams, mine would be a constant stream of updates about rejections I’ve had, ideas I can’t quite work through, and snacks I’ve eaten and regretted. The way we represent ourselves online can never be the whole picture so we have to put the effort into remembering that.

An advert came on for clothes to wear to a Christmas party the other day and I was reminded that every single year around this time I start to feel inadequate about my Christmas social life and wardrobe. Why do I do this?! It’s just advertising! It wants you to feel bad about yourself so that you’ll buy stuff.

The point is we have to make the decision to tune out, to remember that what we’re seeing isn’t the whole truth, and to try and live our lives in the present rather than through a screen. If nothing else, I simply don’t have the cash to live any other way.

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Whether you’re married, or in a relationship, or single and happy, or a huge fan of your job, or blissfully distracted by your hobbies, or just a really kind, generous and funny person, or just great at applying liquid eye liner… you’ve got lots going for you. We just have to learn how to acknowledge it, to identify what else we want, to put plans in place to get there, and to do so without getting distracted by what other people are doing.

I’m not saying it’s easy – I certainly continue to struggle with it – but it is necessary. This is all a question of time and priorities and feeling down because you’re not living somebody else’s life feels like a very bad choice for the top of the list.

How creative people react to other people’s great ideas

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the emotional stages of witnessing a great idea

I went to see Inside Out, the latest Pixar film, this weekend and it blew my mind.

This isn’t a film review – there are plenty of those out there already – but suffice it to say that it’s excellent. It’s an incredibly clever idea, perfectly executed (for anyone who isn’t aware of it, it’s an animation about an 11 year old girl who moves to San Francisco with her parents and how her emotions – Joy, Fear, Anger, Disgust and Sadness – help her deal with her new life. It’s just brilliant). They had me at the mention of Amy Poehler and Mindy Kaling. I mean, you just know it’s going to be good if they’re involved.

I’ve been thinking a lot recently about the concept of a great idea and how we creative folk react in the face of one; specifically when it belongs to somebody else.

There are a series of feelings involved – curiosity, fascination, interest, inspiration – but also, if we’re honest, a touch of envy, a dose of self-doubt and, if we’re not careful, an unhealthy chunk of OH GOD I’M JUST USELESS, NONE OF MY IDEAS ARE EVEN A TEENY TINY BIT AS GOOD AS THIS, I MAY AS WELL JUST QUIT AND LIVE IN A HOLE.

Now firstly, this is symptomatic of being a creative type – we do tend to be a little on the dramatic and emotional side, it’s just part of the deal. To anybody who lives with a creative person, the best way to deal with a tantrum or momentary meltdown about the pointlessness of existence or YET ANOTHER discussion about why they’re still not Banksy/J. K. Rowling/Lena Dunham/Kevin Spacey/Oprah Winfrey (delete as appropriate according to field of interest), is by giving them a biscuit, putting them in the bath and reminding them gently that they just need to pull themselves together and KEEP GOING. Seriously, is there anything that a soak and a snack can’t fix?

Because another element of this creative sensibility is that we tend to be quite hard on ourselves – again, much like any ambitious folk – beating ourselves up because we are making progress but not at the lightning rate that we’d like, and because sometimes we have to sleep and eat meals and brush our hair and whatever which means we can’t be working all of the time. When are we going get that eighth day in the week that we’ve been promised for so long?

The world we live in can make us feel like we’re just not getting there fast enough. The internet slaps us about the face every second with what everybody else has been doing and in most ways it’s great – we get to read all of the things, marvel at the incredible ideas people have, and ponder where they all came from – and I personally wouldn’t have it any other way. But the level of information and self-promotion we see every moment can play on our anxieties too, so we need to manage how we interact with what we’re seeing and make sure our minds remain focused on being inspired rather than threatened.

Because if we deal with what we’re seeing in the right way, it can be so good for us. There’s nothing like seeing somebody doing something fantastic to drive you on to do something fantastic too. Every good thing you see has happened because somebody had the guts to do it, the energy to put in all the hard work, and the balls to call the right person and get them to say yes. And there’s no reason why you can’t do the same thing.

Every moment you spend having a meltdown you could be using to pen your own piece of genius. I mean, sure, a tantrum might earn you a biscuit, but a little focus and perspective could earn you, like, an Oscar or something. And that victory will taste better than any snack ever could.

If you want to be a writer, guilt is just part of the deal

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20150705_185124-1

This post is a shout out, a high five, a hug, to all the writers out there currently feeling guilty about the fact that they are not, at this very moment, writing.

Writing is kind of similar to A-Level revision in that when you’re not doing it, you feel bad about it. You feel like you’re letting yourself down and that you’re definitely going to fail because you’ve dared to stop for half an hour to have a Cornetto or a milkshake or to – heaven forbid – take a day off to hang out with friends, decorate the bathroom or get on top of that weeding.

But I’m here to say that we need to give ourselves a break.

There is no denying that if you’re going to do this thing – to get those words down, blogs posted, chapters finished, deadlines met – then you are going to have to put the time in and get your sh*t together, because nobody’s gonna do it for you, but you also have to cut yourself some slack.

You need to make time for writing – lots of time, let’s be honest about that – but you also need to be OK with having time when you don’t write. In fact, I think it’s a good idea to have time when you decide specifically not to do it. Book yourself in for a spot of relaxation, a nap, an episode or seven of Orange is the New Black and do it without a computer screen in front of you. It’ll do you and your words the world of good. Step away from the light.

For anybody who doesn’t write or have another all-consuming passion, this might sound mad. But, for me at least, the guilt is just part of the deal and it’s my job to manage it so that I can do it all whilst still, you know, leaving the house every now and then and maintaining relationships with actual human beings.

One of the ways round it – obviously – is to have a plan. Whenever I have a clear list of things that I can tick off when they’re done, I feel more able to give myself permission to put the laptop away and do something else – change that bed, go out for that dinner, or just sit and stare hard into that abyss – whatever I want; it’s my time and I’ve earnt it because I’ve made progress. Because that’s what this game is all about after all.

And we all know that even if we’re not actually writing, we’re still thinking about it. The ideas are ticking over, the jokes are formulating, and the words are starting to form into sentences that will be ready to fall out of our minds and onto the page as soon as we can get our hands on a notebook. So we never really truly stop.

So this is for you, fellow guilt enthusiasts. I feel your pain. But let’s ease off a bit shall we, give ourselves a break. That milkshake isn’t going to drink itself now, is it?