There’s a time and a place – and the 8am to Bank is not it

Leave a Comment

095In no place is a happy couple less welcome than on a packed commuter train.
Whilst love and a successful relationship may be celebrated the world over as some of the ultimate achievements in life, it is best to appear alone and miserable when travelling to work.

I can say this both as a commuter and as a member of the contented clan. I am happy – I wear a ring on my finger and I may even look down every now and then and smile at it, but within the hours of 7.30 and 9am that is as far as it goes.

Yes, we do occasionally travel into central London together, but such is the level of distance that Mr Ring Purchaser keeps from me, you’d find yourself hoping he’s kept the receipt. “I’m leaving at the same time as you so we can go in together,” I said this morning. “Ok, but I want to read my book,” he replied. It’s the kind of romance that teenage dreams are made of.

But he has a point – commuting is essentially about staring in one direction – whether it be the direction of a newspaper, a book, a phone, or just mindlessly ahead – it is not for staring into your lover’s eyes. And preferably not into the intimate details of a stranger’s relationship either.

Gaining a seat on the tube during rush hour is a big achievement but occasionally it comes at a price. Yesterday, for example, I was sat below and before a couple who were not aware of the commuter code. Let’s call them Love’s Young Dream, and London’s Worst Nightmare. Many a hug, many a kiss and many giggle did they share – the calling cards of the happy. And in any other situation this is perfectly reasonable (if slightly sickening to the onlooker) behaviour. But the contrast between their smiles and the grave looks of the rest of the carriage crowd was so stark that it made such demonstrations of affection intolerable. How dare they bring their actual, happy lives with them onto the train – there’s no room for real or measured emotion in here.

It is best, as I have said before, just to pretend that one is not there whilst travelling. Pretend to be invisible, squeeze in, and remember that real life awaits at the end of the line. Consider the morning tube to be a place to practice abstinence, if only for the sake of those around you – some of whom may have their face dangerously close to your crotch/armpit – and save the rest for later in the day, and preferably a different setting. Unless, of course, you’re going to have a row. Definitely do that on the train, it really helps break up the journey for other passengers.

A light read

Leave a Comment

I feel like I have been through all of the emotions associated with wedding planning whilst reading just one wedding magazine. Fear, excitement, frustration, creativity (not technically an emotion but definitely a feeling), helplessness and calm; all brought on by flicking through just 263 pages of bridal ideas and advice. And I’m only just two thirds of the way through.

How do they expect you to feel? Adverts showing beautiful dresses at unspeakable prices, articles about flat-deposit sized wedding budgets, and a throughout assumption that you have access to ‘vintage’ on a day to day basis. I just don’t think I live a bride-to-be’s life, or perhaps it is all just a fantasy.

I’ve clearly not fully thought this through. I’m not talking about the marriage itself, I’ve definitely thought that through, but the size and detail of running a wedding.

‘How about having a vintage birdcage for guests to put your wedding cards in?’ Well, that is a really lovely idea, but oddly the suggestion of it fills me with simultaneous joy and panic. Joy at how pretty the example looks and how nice it would be to have one, but panic at the realisation that I hadn’t even considered that this kind of thing would need to be considered. I want to get it right, I need to get it right, it’s just going to take a few nudges in the right direction to help me along the way. Or a checklist, a very long checklist.

The prospect of committing to making parts of the wedding myself is currently spinning around my brain. Table decorations, wedding invitations, pin boards for the reception room – in theory it sounds like a lot of fun, but in practice I wonder if I have the skill and patience it takes. But this is why we gave ourselves at least 18 months to get everything in place I suppose. Time to spend weekends writing place cards and weaving paper together into heart shapes. Time to drift from shop to shop, picking out little vases and flower pots. I don’t think I’ve never heard a wedding planning story which sounded like it involved much drifting, but we can try.

And the excitement comes from the brightness of it all, the colours and the pretties and the knowledge that it’s our turn to give this big show a go. What will we choose? How will we make it all look like us? There’s no two people better placed to figure that all out I suppose.

So as the ideas come, I shall write them down and we’ll take it from there, one step at a time. Wedding magazines are there to add to the fun, provide a little advice, and definitely to test the boundaries of what we can afford. And it’s certainly helpful to have a group of people 50 steps ahead of me on the planning front – if there’s something missing from the checklist, and there will be, they’ll be the first to let me know.

As long as I keep at least one foot on the ground and an eye on the horizon, I should be able to keep my perspective long enough to revel in the glossy pages and shiny pictures without suddenly finding myself the bride at a wedding I’ll be paying off for decades. And I’d better lap it all up whilst I can anyway. If I’m spotted buying one of these in a couple of years’ time when that extra ring is firmly on my finger, I’m definitely going to get some questions.

How to sober up in 10 seconds

Leave a Comment

IMG_1799If you venture out of a Friday night, consume a cocktail or four and not much dinner, you may well feel a little dizzy on your arrival home. What one is looking for in this situation is a piece of toast, a sit down, and perhaps a calming bath. Upon my return last night this was exactly the trio I had in mind, and yet what I found when I opened the door was a very worried looking boyfriend (mine, to clarify) and a fair level of blood scattered around the flat.

A number of questions popped to mind at this sight, and it was only when he put his two bandaged fingers in front of me that I was at least able to confirm that there was a rational explanation. The expression on his face was similar to that of a child showing a grazed knee – unsure as to how he’d done so much damage, scared by the blood, and just starting to realise that it really really hurt. Of course the main difference is that there were no tears and no bike involved. No, this little injury occurred due to the accidental close proximity of a razor and a set of keys in his bag. An eagerness to get in the front door and a lack of light led to what I understand was a very quick and sharp shredding of the tops of two digits. Let this be a lesson to us all.

If there is to be anything good to come of this unexpectedly bloody start to the weekend, let it be this: I am the most squeamish of people and really no use to anyone in the face of a physical crisis; something happens to my knees and my arms start to flap and I generally try to keep my eyes and ears closed ’til it’s all over. But I was pleased to find that when asked by my injured dear this morning if I would take a look at the damage to assess whether stitches would be required, I stepped up. I can only take this as a sign of true love because I can assure you it was not pretty. The other good thing is that the distraction of last night’s events managed to make my brain forget that consumption of cocktails usually means that it must make the room start spinning every time I close my eyes.

It’s nice to find the silver lining.

Any questions?

Leave a Comment

20141114_132707If I were to write? Like this? You’d probably find it exhausting? Wouldn’t you?!

Just as a warning, it may be hard to tell whilst reading this post when I am actually asking a question? because I will amusingly drop question marks all over the place? Just to help make my point. If you can’t tell, just look at the words and establish if I am actually asking you something and you’ll be just fine.

I played the most intense game of rising intonation chicken with a sales person yesterday. She rang and told me what she had to offer but after every statement about what she had to sell, her voice went up and she waited for me to respond. It went something like this:

Saleslady?: Our TV packages include broadband?

Pause. Refusal on my part to respond as what she had said was not a question. Longer pause as I realised she wasn’t going to say anything else until I had acknowledged her ground breaking statement.

Me?: (grudgingly) Uhuh

Saleslady?: As well as a phone line and set up?

More silence. I tried to see just how long she would remain silent for and after a while it just became uncomfortable.

Me?: (irritated) Yup

Saleslady: And we can come and install it all for you without any trouble?
Another pause.

Me?: GREAT!!

I really don’t understand how this has happened. Nobody used to speak like that. It’s actually really hard work even if you try? Writing it is even more difficult as spell check is having a cow over all of these ill-placed question marks.

There really is nothing wrong with having a little conviction. If you’re ringing to try and sell me broadband, or anything else for that matter, it is ok to be confident when telling me about it. You either do or you don’t sell it, but it seems unlikely that you’d call if you were as unsure as you sound.

The biggest problem with rising intonationitus is that it’s very catching. I fear that this was part of this poor lady’s training and that now her entire conversational life is quite literally in question.

So for anyone who decides to call in the future and requires a response after every inflection, I’m afraid you’re going to be waiting a long, long time. I’ll just carry on with my life until you’re ready to start your next sentence. We could be here a while…