How to sober up in 10 seconds

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IMG_1799If you venture out of a Friday night, consume a cocktail or four and not much dinner, you may well feel a little dizzy on your arrival home. What one is looking for in this situation is a piece of toast, a sit down, and perhaps a calming bath. Upon my return last night this was exactly the trio I had in mind, and yet what I found when I opened the door was a very worried looking boyfriend (mine, to clarify) and a fair level of blood scattered around the flat.

A number of questions popped to mind at this sight, and it was only when he put his two bandaged fingers in front of me that I was at least able to confirm that there was a rational explanation. The expression on his face was similar to that of a child showing a grazed knee – unsure as to how he’d done so much damage, scared by the blood, and just starting to realise that it really really hurt. Of course the main difference is that there were no tears and no bike involved. No, this little injury occurred due to the accidental close proximity of a razor and a set of keys in his bag. An eagerness to get in the front door and a lack of light led to what I understand was a very quick and sharp shredding of the tops of two digits. Let this be a lesson to us all.

If there is to be anything good to come of this unexpectedly bloody start to the weekend, let it be this: I am the most squeamish of people and really no use to anyone in the face of a physical crisis; something happens to my knees and my arms start to flap and I generally try to keep my eyes and ears closed ’til it’s all over. But I was pleased to find that when asked by my injured dear this morning if I would take a look at the damage to assess whether stitches would be required, I stepped up. I can only take this as a sign of true love because I can assure you it was not pretty. The other good thing is that the distraction of last night’s events managed to make my brain forget that consumption of cocktails usually means that it must make the room start spinning every time I close my eyes.

It’s nice to find the silver lining.

Any questions?

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20141114_132707If I were to write? Like this? You’d probably find it exhausting? Wouldn’t you?!

Just as a warning, it may be hard to tell whilst reading this post when I am actually asking a question? because I will amusingly drop question marks all over the place? Just to help make my point. If you can’t tell, just look at the words and establish if I am actually asking you something and you’ll be just fine.

I played the most intense game of rising intonation chicken with a sales person yesterday. She rang and told me what she had to offer but after every statement about what she had to sell, her voice went up and she waited for me to respond. It went something like this:

Saleslady?: Our TV packages include broadband?

Pause. Refusal on my part to respond as what she had said was not a question. Longer pause as I realised she wasn’t going to say anything else until I had acknowledged her ground breaking statement.

Me?: (grudgingly) Uhuh

Saleslady?: As well as a phone line and set up?

More silence. I tried to see just how long she would remain silent for and after a while it just became uncomfortable.

Me?: (irritated) Yup

Saleslady: And we can come and install it all for you without any trouble?
Another pause.

Me?: GREAT!!

I really don’t understand how this has happened. Nobody used to speak like that. It’s actually really hard work even if you try? Writing it is even more difficult as spell check is having a cow over all of these ill-placed question marks.

There really is nothing wrong with having a little conviction. If you’re ringing to try and sell me broadband, or anything else for that matter, it is ok to be confident when telling me about it. You either do or you don’t sell it, but it seems unlikely that you’d call if you were as unsure as you sound.

The biggest problem with rising intonationitus is that it’s very catching. I fear that this was part of this poor lady’s training and that now her entire conversational life is quite literally in question.

So for anyone who decides to call in the future and requires a response after every inflection, I’m afraid you’re going to be waiting a long, long time. I’ll just carry on with my life until you’re ready to start your next sentence. We could be here a while…