It’s now exactly one year since my other half proposed to me. And besides attempting to plan a wedding, tame my hair, and work out my new signature, I have spent the last 12 months laughing at how ill-prepared I was.
And so, I have come up with some tips for future proposees. Follow my advice and you will answer TBQ with grace and poise. Much better than just shaking and sweating, as I did.
How to spot a proposal coming
1. Location location location
Proposal rules state that there are three places one should propose. If you find yourself in any of the following spots, prepare to raise the alarm:
a) Somewhere romantic – if you are in Paris, Rome, any other non-war zone capital city, on a beach, on an attractive bridge, near a pretty looking tree… you are at risk. If he kneels down at any point, consider it a code red situation.
b) Somewhere really unromantic – in the spirit of surprise, proposors may decide to catch you off-guard by popping the question somewhere unexpected. If you’re near a bin or in a pound shop, be on your guard.
c) In a jewellers – some men like to guarantee a yes by incorporating shopping into the proposal. Cunning. If you find your man’s pace slowing near a ring shop, he may be about to make a considerable purchase. WARNING – he may just be dawdling. Be sure of his intentions before shouting ‘yes’ to avoid embarrassment.
2. Check your belongings
In preparation for buying a diamond, a man may steal one of your rings to establish your size. Keep an eye on your jewellery box and if an item disappears, a proposal may be afoot. Otherwise you may have a criminal on your hands, so contact the police immediately.
3. Is he looking shifty?
If you find the gentleman in question acting suspiciously, going through alternative security to you at airports, and/or nervously checking their pockets at regular intervals, he may have a marriage plan up his sleeve. Alternatively, he may also be a criminal, in which case contact the police immediately.
If any or all of the above occurs, you could be just moments away from being proposed to. STAY CALM.
And though you have considered this moment for some time, you do not yet know how you are going to react. So here’s some tips on how to respond appropriately and avoid having the offer retracted on the spot:
What to do if he does propose
1. Remember to answer the question
Such was my surprise at being asked the world’s greatest question (aside from ‘Would you like cheese with that?’) that I forgot to provide an answer. Instead I cried, asked if I was awake, and my temperature shot up to 100 degrees. So, if the answer is yes, do remember to say it. If nothing else, staying in that position will do nothing for his knees.
2. Remember to look at the ring
Whilst you may have professed that the ring ‘BETTER be big’ when messing about with your chums, if you are planning to marry for love instead of possessions, you may be so taken aback that you forget to look at the ring at all. He will have spent considerable time and cash on the item, so it’s only right that you should have a look. Also, note that you may find that wearing a ring on your wedding finger feels strange. But I suggest you avoid saying “I feel like I’ve been branded!” to your other half, as it’s not really in keeping with the romantic vibe he’ll be going for. Believe me.
3. Keep away from your phone
The best thing about a proposal is that it is a moment shared by just the two of you. And whilst the world will have to know at some point, I recommend having at least one evening without any telephone/social media use. It’s only polite to concentrate on the face you’re going to spend the rest of your life with, rather than how many people ‘like’ your incorporation of a Beyoncé lyric into your Facebook status. (You can do this to your heart’s content when you get home, as I did).
So there you have it; consider yourself prepared.
If only I’d known then what I know now, I’d have coped with the proposal like a pro, and with more elegance and style than a ballet dancing swan.
Never mind. I’ll do better next time.