ON WEDDINGS

Marriage, sometimes

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Sometimes he’ll accidentally throw a loo roll down the toilet and she won’t understand what…how did you… they’re so expens…just pop it in the bin.

Sometimes, a couple of days later, she’ll hurl a sock in the toilet instead of the laundry basket, and they’ll call it even.

Sometimes she’ll break her ‘no food in the bedroom’ rule and devour a whole bag of Maltesers on top of the duvet.

Sometimes he’ll find the empty red packet on the floor and resist the temptation to start a discussion about double standards.

Sometimes he’ll go out drinking so much ahead of her 30th birthday that he has to leave her party early to go home and nurse his aching throat.

Sometimes she’ll keep partying, force him out of bed at 3am to let her in the house, and they’ll call that even too.

Sometimes he’ll buy her a new fancy laptop to prove how much he believes in her writing (and to make her weekly exclamations of MY F***ING LAPTOP IS RUINING MY LIFE stop).

Sometimes she’ll cry when she remembers that he did that.

Sometimes she’ll fall asleep on the sofa until 4 o’clock in the morning, after promising she would go to bed in a minute.

Sometimes he’ll come downstairs to get her, and decide not to let the tirade of abuse that comes when he disturbs her hurt his feelings.

Sometimes she’ll get sunstroke, or food poisoning, or eat something that’s too ‘wheaty’ and turn into a quivering, vomiting, moany mess.

Sometimes he’ll use a VERY FIRM tone to tell her that if she doesn’t drink all of the water she needs to rehydrate then she’ll have to go to hospital (and then explain later that that’s just what he sounds like when he’s scared).

Sometimes he’ll show her a clip of a big kick or some good running that a rugby person did.

Sometimes she’ll make the right face to make him believe that she knows why she should be impressed.

Sometimes she’ll manage to figure out the answer to the 8 out of 10 Cats Does Countdown numbers game within the assigned 30 second period.

Sometimes he’ll look at her like she’s the cleverest person in the world.

Sometimes he’ll suggest going out for sushi instead of cooking food at home.

Sometimes she’ll think – this right here is exactly why I married you.

Sometimes he’ll look at her, panicked and say “I am in no way prepared for our anniversary tomorrow. I’m going into town and may be gone for some time.”

Sometimes she’ll look at him and think – it doesn’t matter. I’d still choose you.

Every single time.

9 ways to decide who you should marry

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Every couple should have at least one day of the year that they don’t waste fannying about on the internet.

And for us that day is today: our very first wedding anniversary.

But because I’m dedicated to this blog of mine (and a master of holiday packing avoidance) I wrote this week’s post in advance of our anniversary trip.

I’ve been thinking about this one for a while, about what this year has taught me. And aside from the fact that being referred to as ‘Mrs’ makes you feel at least 20 years older and that changing your surname results in more trips to the Post Office than any human should have to endure, the main lesson I’ve learnt is what marriage is all about: getting on extremely well with another human being, regardless of what life throws at you.

So to celebrate the fact that we’ve managed to get along for a whole year, I thought I’d share what I think it takes to do just that. Because what could be more romantic than a good checklist?

1. Marry somebody who feels the same about the apostrophe as you do. That sh*t will tear you apart.

2. Marry somebody who is willing to move train carriage just because the dude behind you is tapping his foot like an inconsiderate MORON. It’s crucial that you share the same level of hatred for strangers.

3. Marry someone who doesn’t judge you for binge consuming crisps/doughnuts/fried egg sweets. (And who understands that BINGERS DO NOT SHARE.)

4. Marry somebody you enjoy sitting in silence with.  Marriage is at least 50% silence (eating, sleeping, staring at your phone) so you might as well make it comfortable.

5. Marry somebody who takes a different route to work from you. Everybody hates couples who commute together. Don’t be those people.

6. Marry a person who understands that just because they see you in pyjamas more frequently than actual clothes, it doesn’t mean you’re not still a hugely attractive and sexual being. You just also happen to enjoy wearing comfortable waistbands.

7. Marry somebody whose bath water you’re happy to share. What are you – made of money?

8. Marry somebody you can still fancy after seeing them throw up. Wedding vows do not protect you from food poisoning, as I found out ON OUR HONEYMOON.

9. Marry somebody you like very much. Forever is a long time.

Now, I’d better get on with my packing. And seeing as it’s such a special occasion, I may even leave my pyjamas at home.

When dear friends get married: Why I always cry at weddings

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When you get to our age, you find yourself going to a lot of weddings.

It’s how people in their late twenties/early thirties spend their weekends – we go to weddings, we go to hen and stag dos and we have conversations about how much worse our hangovers are now that we’re old. We’re a lot of fun.

And it’s very easy to feel cynical about all these nuptials. Weddings are tiring, our feet weren’t made for wearing high heels for 12 hours straight (particularly the boys), and our stomachs takes days to forgive us for eating our meals at funny times of the day.

But that stuff is all just logistics. The real reason we go to weddings is well worth getting a few blisters and a confused tummy for.

I’ve seen lots of my friends get married now. Real, dear, close chums with whom I’ve shared various periods of my life – school, university, jobs, that time when I learnt that I don’t get on with Sambuca… We’ve grown up together, one way or another, so when one of us gets married, it feels like a big day for all of us.

There’s not much else that we get to see our friends commit to that is so significant (though the pals who witnessed my ‘let’s wear nothing but fuchsia pink!’ phase might feel differently) so being there to witness it is a real privilege.

And for me, seeing a close friend walk down the aisle to marry the person with whom they’ll spend the rest of their life is enough to bring not just a tear but a flood to my eyes. While lots of people express joy through smiling, I do it by turning my face into a waterfall. I’ve tried not to do it, to think of all the make-up I piled on just moments before and hold it together, but I fail every time.

And if my friend getting married cries too then I might as well just call it a day and go to bed – I’m such a mess by the time they’re pronounced husband and wife that you’d think I’d been watching The Notebook. Whilst newborn babies manage to behave beautifully throughout the ceremony, it is me who needs to be carried out and wiped down.

But I actually think it’s a good thing. However you express pride in your friends, whether through tears, grins or high fives, it’s good to show it. One of the best things about being an adult is being able to look back on the times we’ve spent with our chums – the nights in eating cheese, the nights out dancing to cheese – and feel utterly amazed that somehow we’re suddenly grown up enough to do something as serious as getting married. The fact that one of our parents hasn’t stepped in to tell us to stop showing off and calm down still amazes me.

For all the panda eyes and weeping and resulting dehydration, weddings remain one of the best ways to spend a weekend. Seeing a friend looking happier than they ever have before (with the small exception of that time the DJ played a Five vs Blue megamix on their hen do – good luck beating that, hubby!) is just about as good as it gets.

And whether you’re likely to cry during the ceremony or not, I still recommend taking a packet of tissues with you to a wedding. At our age, the hangover you get the following morning is enough to make anybody sob.

How’s married life? Exactly the same.

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Charlotte and Leon 2013_ Ceremony Photograph _68Aside from “When are you going to have a baby?”, “Are you pregnant yet?” and “Will you name your firstborn after me?”, “How’s married life?” is the question I get asked most frequently.

I don’t know what people think will happen when you get married but, in my case at least, it hasn’t changed anything at all. Sure, I got a new surname and now spend most of the day trying to remember what I’m called, and I had a ring put on my finger that has to stay there forever or the world with explode (or something like that) but otherwise things are just as they were before.

But that’s a good thing. And here’s why:

1. That’s why you got married in the first place
Getting married means: I want to be with you as I know you for the rest of my life. It doesn’t mean: marry me and then immediately change into somebody else to help keep things interesting. The fact that you get to spend your life with somebody exactly as you find them (with perhaps just a few small wardrobe improvements) is one of the main reasons marriage is so popular. There’s that, the fact that you no longer have to pretend to like nightclubs, and knowing that there will always be someone there to help you take the bin out.

2. You’ll face enough change together as it is 
Life is full of surprises – some of them good, such as the release of Cadbury’s Pebbles (have you tried them? They’re delicious) and some of them bad, like when Coronation Street gets cancelled because of sport. But that’s OK because whatever comes up, you’ll take it on as a duo, so the least you can do is remain the one consistent thing in each other’s lives. If you got married, changed into different people and then ITV altered its television schedule, do you really think you could handle it?

3. If you were going to change you’d have done it by now  
Remember all those hours you put in at the start of the relationship? The showers, the shaving, the pretending to be up for watching Transformers when you’d have preferred to just stare at the cinema ticket for two hours instead? Couldn’t keep that up for too long, could you? No, after a few months you settled into being real people – with opinions that differ! And bad habits you refuse to change! Like his inexplicable love for leaving boxer shorts in the middle of the bathroom floor Every. Single. Morning! And if you thought marriage was going to change any of that, I’m afraid that you were mistaken. Marriage changes nothing, it just means there will be somebody there to comment on all of your faults for the rest of your life.

4. It’s OK that you don‘t have any news 
You have to accept that from the moment you said ‘I do’, you became the least interesting people in the world. Whilst the engagement is all “Oh my god!” and “How did he do it?!” and “How many strippers do you want on your hen do?”, your marriage will only spark a reaction if you co-create a human or start asking your friends to put their keys in a bowl when they arrive at your house for a dinner party. So it’s best to just take advantage of those first few months – sit back, relax and enjoy being out of the limelight. And if the only news you have to share is that you’ve started watching Modern Family or that you’ve discovered that ten is the optimum number of marshmallows to have with a hot chocolate, then so be it.

So if you want to have an interesting conversation with a newly-wed, don’t ask them what married life’s like, ask them what’s good on telly at the moment or what snacks they can recommend – they’ll have so much more to say. And if you think you can see a bump forming around her middle, I recommend checking the bin for sweet wrappers before putting yourself forward as a namesake.

15 post wedding resolutions I have already broken

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15 post-wedding resolutions I have already broken

1. Don’t use the fact that I wrote every single one of our wedding gift thank you cards against him.

2. When he says he’ll fill the dishwasher, let him. Don’t just do it myself because I don’t believe he’ll load it correctly.

3. Refrain from mentioning that all I can think about is getting home and putting on my pyjamas whilst out on date nights.

4. No longer bring up his domestic failings late at night when he is trying to go to sleep.

5. Stop mentioning that he lost my phone charger. And that sharing one between us is annoying. And that the fact that I could easily just stop being a baby and go out and buy a new one is NOT. THE. POINT.

6. Stay awake until at least 10.30pm on a Saturday evening.

7. No longer use sighing as a method of communication.

8. Don’t be offended because he’d rather play FIFA 14 than look through the wedding photographs.

9. Don’t threaten annulment just because he refuses to listen to Magic FM during dinner.

10. Spend evenings having conversations instead of just watching Mock The Week and Have I Got News For You reruns and falling asleep.

11. Avoid using sarcasm to express annoyance that the laundry basket is overflowing e.g. “You know what I love? Having a pile of laundry that is exactly the same height as me. It’s like living with ART.”

12. At least pretend to be open to the idea of leaving the house on a Sunday.

 13. Don’t use my new status as his wife as an excuse to bin all his boxer shorts that I don’t like.

14. Or let a blog post be the way that he finds out that I’ve done it.

15. Be a nicer person.

What it’s like to… go on your honeymoon

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IMG_5085What DO people do on their honeymoon? Do newly-weds really all look the same? In desperate pursuit of a new blog post format, I have conducted an interview with myself to find out the answers to all the big honeymoon questions. My effort at least should be appreciated.

Charlotte, good to see you, and may I say, what excellent hair. 
Why thank you, it’s just dry shampoo and two whacks of the hairbrush.
Well, it’s working for you. So, where did you go for the big H. M?
What?
Your honeymoon.
Oh, right. You do know it’s just one word don’t you?
Yeah, course…
Cool…. We went to Bali, Gili Trawangan and Lombok which are all in Indonesia.
Lovely. And were you surrounded by other people on their honeymoon, and forced to feel like getting married was the most generic, predictable thing you could have done?
There were a few around but lots of other people too. Newly-weds are easy to spot – they have very shiny wedding rings that have not yet been tarnished by normal things like cooking or toilet duck; she tends to have freshly manicured nails; and they both look exhausted. That ain’t jet-lag, that’s wed-lag.
I see what you did there, and I like it. So did you give the new surname a test drive whilst you were there?
Oh yes, and it was the perfect opportunity to try out my new signature too – every bicycle hired and fruity mocktail had to be signed for. I think I’ve nailed it now if you want to see?
Oh, that won’t be necessary; I’ve seen a signature before. And what sort of things did you do there?  
Well, aside from the usual sunbathing and whatnot we went to a bird park, saw reptiles, swam in a waterfall, visited a monkey forest, had a surfing lesson… [Charlotte interrupts]
HA! Sorry, I’m just imagining you on a surf board. Hahaha! 
Look, I can prove it *shows above photograph*. I even managed to stand up on the board, I’ll thank you.
No, thank YOU. So have you got any other, sorry, any funny stories from your trip?
Well, not so much funny but I did get a dose of food poisoning, or ‘Bali Belly’ as the guide book calls it, which saw all my bridal serenity go right down the toilet.
Ooh another pun, we are on fire today. That sounds nasty, did you lose much time?
Just a day, thankfully. On the plus side, I got to hear my husband refer to me as his wife a lot. He kept ringing reception to say things like: “My wife’s unwell, please can we have more water?” or “My wife would like a biscuit,” or “Please can I order a pizza? No, it’s for me, I think my wife’s asleep.”
Every cloud, eh. And did you stay in nice places and have the full five star experience?
Oh yes, when in Rome!
Sorry, I thought you said you went to Bali?
We did… Yes, we stayed in lovely places. In one hotel, they’d come into our room when we were out having dinner and leave surprises, like a honeymoon cake or a bath towel rolled into the shape of a duck.
A duck? Wow, that is impressive. A quacking idea, you might say.
No I wouldn’t, I like my puns a little more subtle.
Whatever… So tell me, did you find it hard to leave or were you ready to come home?
Oh no, I really didn’t want to come back – why would I? There’s no way our normal lives could be as good as the honeymoon. It’s all downhill from here.
Well that’s a lovely note to end on. Thank you Charlotte, and good luck with the marriage!
Cheers Charlotte, and to you with the writing gig. Someone should definitely give you a book deal.

We got married

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Charlotte and Leon 2013_ Ceremony Photograph _27Good day dear readers and welcome back! Since we last met I have successfully become married (and maintained said marriage for a whole four weeks), been to the other side of the world for a honeymoon in Bali that was so good I WEPT when we left, and discovered that life as a married woman is very, very similar to life as every other type of woman I’ve ever been. (Should anything change, you’ll be the first to know).

For my first contribution to the world as Mrs B, here’s a run-down of what it’s like to have your wedding day, should any of you wish to give it a go. I strongly recommend it.

1. Throughout the morning, you will feel like you are about to do a bungee jump and that 120 of your family and friends have come to watch and photograph the occasion.

2. You will not eat. Sorry, eat? Food?! With your lips that are the only thing stopping you throwing up your intestines? Oh no. And as a result you’ll feel dangerously weak by 9pm, go in pursuit of something, anything to keep you going through the dancing and discover that your friends and family – who are apparently GANNETS – have eaten every last morsel.

3. You will spend very little time with your new wife/husband. Don’t panic though – you’ve got the honeymoon and the rest of your born days together so a little space won’t do you any harm.

4. As I’ve said before, getting married is like being a celebrity for a day.  But what I’d forgotten is that, in this scenario, it’s your friends and family who have come to see you, not some crazy strangers who’ve bought your album or stared at your airbrushed face in a magazine and convinced themselves you could be BFFs if only you could meet. And with that comes guilt that it’s mathematically impossible for you to give them all the attention they deserve. So the least you can do is make sure there’s enough booze available so they won’t remember the neglect.

5. You will never wear a better outfit in your life. Unless you have a few thousand pounds to spend on your attire every day in which case we are VERY different people.

6. You will say ‘Thank You’ more times than you will inhale. And you will mean it, too.

7. Going to the toilet is the only privacy you will get all day. And it’s marvellous. Two or three minutes of solitude without having to thank anybody or make your hilarious “I’ve not eaten since Thursday!” joke (that isn’t really a joke) for the 120th time. To any future brides, I strongly recommend purchasing a dress you can negotiate for bathroom purposes without assistance. Your bridesmaids will also be most grateful.

8. The first dance is a bizarre experience. This is best explained through the medium of pros and cons:

Pros

– It’s a chance to show your friends that you can be both wicked sick cool and profoundly romantic through the selection of just one song.

– You get to have what is basically a really big revolving hug with your new husband/wife which makes up for the total lack of time you’ll have spent together during the day.

– You can even have a little chat about how it’s all going if you’re feeling ambitious.

– It’s another opportunity for people to see just how well co-ordinated your outfits are by holding them really close together.

Cons

– You are not a dancer. And especially not one who is experienced in dancing in a full length dress and shoes you forgot to wear-in. You have nothing to offer to this dance floor.

– Your friends and family have no expectations of you – frankly, they find watching you rotate as bizarre as you do – but you can’t help but feel that you’re letting them down by failing to have a routine prepared.

– Having everybody watch you with their camera phones held up to their face is equivalent to each one of them saying: “You can’t dance; you know it and I know it. And now Facebook is going to know it too.”

9. The ceremony is the best bit. When you’re planning a wedding, the actual marriage part is just one of many, many logistics – even if it is, arguably, the most important one – and, as a result, you don’t take the time to look forward to the loveliness of saying so many super swell things to each other in such a simultaneously public yet private way. But, as it turns out, that part was positively dreamy, which is good seeing as that was the whole point of the day.

10. You do not have capacity in your brain to look forward to the day as much as you will wish you had when it’s over. It’s not possible. Your head would explode.

Four things I will not miss about being single

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Four things I will not miss about being singleWith just six sleeps and five episodes of Coronation Street standing between me marriage, I thought now was the time to bid a formal adieu to my single days with a countdown of the top four things I will miss the least about being Miss Reeve…

1. Texting
Will he reply? Won’t he reply? Did he realise that the comment I made about the level of time I spend in my pyjamas was definitely a joke and not evidence that I have mental health problems? Does he think my use of emoticons is excessive? Should I take his lacks of kisses as a sign that he despises me? Does the inclusion of two kisses mean he’s totally interested? Was that text message really meant for me? Am I leaving big enough gaps between my replies? If I use ellipses is he automatically going to assume that I’m up for it? What does ‘What are you up to?’ even mean? How specific should I be? ‘Just rustling up a pasta, sauce and cheese dinner’ seems a bit dull but that is literally what I’m up to…

Marrying a man who only ever sends me texts to ask if we need anything from the supermarket or if he’s free on an upcoming Saturday as he’d really like to go and watch some very dull-sounding rugby, will make the whole texting business a much simpler affair.

2. Ballads
Sinead O’Connor, The Honeyz, Lionel Richie, Celine Dion, nineties boy band album tracks… they were all the soundtrack to years of sobbing into a pillow whenever the proverbial love train was taken out of service:

“Hello? Is it me you’re looking for? WHY NOT I’M EXCELLENT AT CONVERSATION!”

“I know what the Backstreet Boys mean, I want it that way too! TELL ME WHY!”

“Please! [enter name of boy/man who decided his life would be less irritating without me] THINK TWICE, FOR THE SAKE OF OUR LOVE, FOR THE MEMORIES!”

“I go out every night and sleep all day, since you took your love away (although to be fair I am a student so I’d probably have been doing that anyway).”

Now I can just listen to these songs as they were supposed to be listened to: whilst dusting the coffee table of a Sunday morning and marvelling at my ability to hold the final TWIIIIIIIIIIIIIICE in Think Twice all the way through (with only three short breathing breaks).

3. Fashion faux pas
I’m not going to get married and then instantly stop shaving my legs, washing my face or changing my underwear (we’ve already been together eight years so that all stopped ages ago, right ladies?! HEY-O) but I am going to enjoy chilling-the-chuff-out about my wardrobe choices.

I spent years with my stomach in knots as I realised that of course all the other girls knew that this was clearly a tops and jeans event when I had decided to wear a psychedelic nylon dress, or that obviously fancy dress is an opportunity for girls to attempt to look sexy and not just wear pyjamas and claim to be the boy from The Snowman.

Surely once I’m married I can just wear what I want, where I want. And by what I mean my dressing gown and by where I mean EVERYWHERE.

4. Base chat
Nobody ever forgets being called the dreaded F word (which in this case is frigid, although fat, frumpy and freakishly tall are also rather nasty ones), especially when it’s said by a person so unappealing that the world would be better off just coming to an end than using him to repopulate the earth. And so it comes as something of a relief to get married and move into the category of people whose love lives NOBODY wants to hear about.

As I have written before, there is nothing more awful or disgusting than the thought of people who are in a relationship – let alone married – partaking in bedroom-based activities. It is wrong and weird and enough to make a person vomit up their Monster Munch. I can do it or I cannot do it (or I can wait ’til all the housework is done to my satisfaction before even thinking about doing it like any normal person) and nobody need ever know.

Well, what a lovely note to end on! Blog fans, please note that I am taking a month off writing silly words for the purposes of having a wedding, a honeymoon and at least 30 days of marriage where I don’t publicly mock my new husband for still being unable to switch the bathroom light off… 

See you in October!

What a bride is really thinking two weeks before her wedding

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IMG_27461. Is it ok to watch TV when you get back to your hotel room on your wedding night?

2. I wonder if I can get away with putting a label that says ‘Don’t eat any of the red ones’ on the sweets table.

3. Will I have time to watch the Coronation Street omnibus while I’m getting ready?

4. The honeymoon will be the perfect opportunity to grow my over-plucked eyebrows back.

5. If only you could legitimately put DVD box sets on a wedding list.

6. I’m so glad I didn’t get a wedding dress that meant I had to reduce my cheese consumption.

7. I can’t wait to let the power that comes with wearing a wedding dress go straight to my head.

8. I hope nobody tries to make friends with us on our honeymoon.

9. Bank balance-wise, eloping would have been a much better choice.

10. The plus-side to the wedding being over is that I’ll have more ambitious things on my to-do list than ‘Find tongs small enough to pick a marshmallow out of a jar’.

11. Having so much time off emptying the dishwasher should not be the most exciting thing about going on a honeymoon. And yet it is.

21 things you shouldn’t put on a wedding gift list

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gift list1. An iPad. Nice try.

2. Socks. What, are you going to put pants on there too? Come on.

3. Clothes for children you haven’t yet spawned. It’s weird.

4. A toilet brush. Nobody wants to buy you that.

5. Anything else to do with your toilet. Rolls, duck and amusing seats are also out of the question.

6. Incense sticks. I’m sorry, are you getting married in the nineties?

7. A year’s supply of birthday presents for other people. Don’t pretend it hasn’t crossed your mind.

8. Same goes for wrapping paper.

9. His and Hers ANYTHING WHATSOEVER.

10. An apron that makes it look like you’re wearing women’s underwear. Do I need to explain why?

11. Massage oil. You’re getting married; you’re way passed all that.

12. An ironing board. People don’t want one for themselves, let alone you.

13. Coat hangers. Yes it would be nice if they all matched but let’s not peak too soon.

14. A pumice stone. No guest will enjoy being responsible for the smoothness of your feet.

15. A banana guard. Even when they understand it’s for, it’ll still make people uncomfortable.

16. Headphones. Noise cancelling technology doesn’t exactly say true love, does it?

17. A tamagotchi. No it is not a good way to test if you would be good parents.

18. A bread maker – unless you aspire to put on three stone in your first month of marriage.

19. An ‘Oh no not you again!’ doormat (Yes, they exist). The one person it genuinely applies to will be the one to buy it for you. The ‘Wow! Nice Underwear‘ mat is probably best avoided too.

20. The Kama Sutra. Don’t give your guests nightmares.

21. Shoes. I know, I was gutted too.