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7 things that happen when you become an auntie

17/04/2016 by Charlotte 4 Comments

7 things that happen when you become an auntie My biggest news for 2016 so far is that at the end of February, I became an auntie.

My brother and his girlfriend announced the arrival of little Jack and life has never been the same since. Well, mostly for them of course – I still get a strong 7-8 hours sleep, can have a shower whenever I want, and am responsible for nothing except feeding my cheese on toast addiction. But my brain is all about baby Jack and when I’m next going to get to have a cuddle of him.

A new baby joining the family is life-changing for everyone. Conversations, decisions and occasions all revolve around him now. He has more power than any of us job-holding, mortgage-paying, degree-awarded adults, and he’s only been in the world for 53 days, the clever little thing.

I’m taking my new role as an auntie extremely seriously and enjoying every second of it. Here’s the inevitable listicle about what life is like when your nephew (or niece) has arrived. In short: pretty darn swell:

1. You stare at their photograph like a lovestruck boy band fan – The morning after Jack was born, my husband found me lying in bed, glued to the picture my brother had sent through of him the night before. I was completely in love with a baby I had never met. Scrolling through photos of the little dude is now my favourite pastime. As soon as a major baby comes into your life, you understand why parents can’t help but take pictures of their child’s every movement – their existence will never cease to feel miraculous.

2. You develop a newfound respect for your sibling – One minute your brother’s refusing to let you have a go on his Game Boy and making you so angry that you run into his bedroom and rip his posters off the wall (as discussed previously we didn’t always make life easy for each other when we were growing up), and the next he’s presenting you with his brand new baby son and making you feel so proud that you burst into tears. Having a brother really is an emotional roller coaster. Seeing your sibling and their partner more tired than they’ve ever been and yet still doing an amazing job of looking after their little one is enough to make you bow down in awe. Leon and I might think that staying up late watching old episodes of Family Guy makes us tired but something tells me that we don’t yet know the meaning of the word.

3. You and your partner vow to be the best aunt and uncle the world has ever seen – We were beside ourselves with excitement when we were heading up north to meet our nephew. I didn’t quite realise until he was born how much his arrival would feel like a gift for us too. We’ve cooed over little outfits together (often discussing just how many of the patterns on Babygros we would both happily wear on our own clothes), we’ve considered all the London sites we’re going to show him when he comes to visit, and we’ve wondered just how old the little guy will have to be before we stop referring to him as ‘baby Jack’. (Our current estimate is 18).

4. You’d think that no other baby had ever been born – I do know that Jack is not the first baby ever to grace the planet. I understand that I was once a baby and that you were too. And yet I can’t help but feel that there is something extra special about this one. In conversations I want to say “No but you don’t understand, this guy is extraordinary. I swear, nobody has ever worn dungarees so well.” But I know this is just what happens when you have a new little human in your life. In the interests of avoiding being branded a mad aunt at this early stage, I’m trying to keep this kind of observation to a minimum (although seriously his style is on point).

5. You give yourself far too much credit – When I arrived at his house this weekend, after just a few minutes of trying to figure out which part of my chest was most comfortable, Jack fell asleep. And even though my head knew that he would definitely have drifted off anyway no matter where he was lying, my heart remained open to the idea that I was in fact a baby whisperer.

6. You discover that ‘eau de baby’ is your new favourite smell – It’s a good thing that it’s not possible to inhale an entire baby otherwise I fear I might have done just that. Everybody says it but my word they smell amazing. I find myself sniffing the clothes I wore to visit Jack just to get a little dose of that gorgeous milky scent. It’s such a shame we all lose our newborn smell; I’m sure commuting through London would be a much more pleasant experience if everybody smelt like a freshly baked biscuit, instead of a hot sweaty mess of body odour, coffee, and rage.

7. You get to watch somebody learn how to be a person – The first time I met Jack he was only 10 days old. He was the littlest human I had ever seen. This time, just over a month later, he was still small, as you would expect of a baby, but he had clearly already learnt so much about the world. He can pretty much hold his own head up all by himself, he can knock back an entire bottle of milk without even needing to come up for air, and he can smile. These are major achievements. The only thing I’ve learnt in the last month is that eating two creme eggs in a day will make you feel just as nauseous as you would expect. If being an auntie has taught me anything, it’s that I really need to start making better use of my time.

Letters from my mother

06/03/2016 by Charlotte 5 Comments

The letter attached to a new pair of earrings, sent to my house after a hard week – ‘I thought you might like these. Keep your chin up, my girl.’

The text message sent mid-Coronation Street to say ‘Nice jumper, Gail – NOT!’, to which I respond with whole-hearted agreement.

The note slipped between the ice block she attached to my sandwich when I was at school – because heaven forbid it should drop below fridge temperature – to wish me GOOD LUCK on exam days.

The ‘Happy New Home’ card that was waiting for us behind the door of our otherwise empty first house, sent the minute I let her know the address.

The abbreviations she makes up to save space in her text messages: TC = take care, AML = all my love. If she’s going to pay as she goes, she’s going to get her money’s worth.

The note sent with the jiffy bag full of M&S knickers she found for me in the sale that says ‘Bargains or what!’ and ‘The size 12 pair might be too big but for 19p, who cares?’ – all of which made my day.

The ‘Bon Voyage’ card she sent before we went to Australia, and the messages I received at just the right time every day we were there to say good morning, good night, and please, please be careful.

The entire emails she writes in the space reserved for the subject heading – because if you’ve got something to say, why not just get on with it?

The joke ‘list’ of names she’s claimed to have kept all my life of all the people who have ever dared upset me.

The texts I get whenever I mention I’ve bought myself something new to wear – ‘Did you not get your mother one?!’ she says, regardless of what it is.

The iPad messages to tell me when things I might be interested in are on TV: ‘Wimbledon on Location Location Location!’ ‘Great Barrier Reef on BBC1!’ ‘Remember Coronation Street’s on at 7 tonight because of stupid football!’

The words engraved on the silver bracelet she gave me on my wedding day: ‘Love always, mum’, which I will love always, mum.

The letters from my mother that mean more than she will ever know.

30 years, 30 pieces of wisdom

12/07/2015 by Charlotte Leave a Comment

Hello, my name is Charlotte Buxton and I’m 30 years old. No really, I’m FINE with it.

Last year when I turned 29 I wrote this list of things I’d learnt by that point. And in the interests of tradition (and not having to come up with some amazing new idea for a post when I’m still exhausted from opening cards and counting my wrinkles) I thought I’d do it again following this more significant birthday. So here’s 30 things I’ve learnt in the last 30 years. And no, I haven’t just copied and pasted the list from last year and added one more thing to it. I’m old, I’m not lazy.

1. I haven’t had any children, but I’m pretty sure that looking after them will be easier than trying to keep an orchid alive.

2. A good sandwich is like a good man – hard to find but when you do, do whatever it takes to make it a part of your life every single day.

3. If I’m cross, there’s a 99% chance that it’s because I’m either hungry or overtired. And heaven help you if it’s both.

4. Related: If you suggest that perhaps one of those things is the problem at the time, I will punch you in the face (unless perhaps you have a biscuit for me?)

5. All your preaching about why you shouldn’t have chocolate for breakfast goes right out of the window the moment you try Nutella.

6. Nothing cures a hangover so well as time, total isolation, and the freedom to moan until the pain stops. Water also helps.

7. However recently you finished painting your finger nails, it’s still too soon to put on an oven glove.

8. There are some things in life that can be done quickly, and putting on liquid eyeliner is not one of them.

9. See also: painting a bathroom, curling your hair, and saying good bye to your mum on the phone.

10. Nothing is more important than knowing how to use the verb ‘evacuate’ correctly.

11. Never be afraid to try a whole new hair colour. It’s 2015 – worst case scenario, someone will know how to dye that sh*t back.

12. There is pretty much no situation in life that cannot be compared to a scene from The Thick Of It.

13. Whatever time you think you put the dinner in the oven, it was five minutes before that.

14. Related: life without an egg timer is a life lived in chaos.

15. Getting people to like your ideas is one thing, persuading them to pay you for them is quite another.

16. Pedicures are just another example of one of the many forms of torture we put ourselves through in order to look nice.

17. I have always got mascara on at least three parts of my face besides my eyelashes. And it is never intentional.

18. Jobs wise, the grass is most definitely not always greener on the other side. Be sure before you cross that bridge.

19. Yes it is annoying when people put make-up on whilst on the train, but for the extra five minutes in bed it gets you, it is worth p*ssing off an entire carriage.

20. Flip-flops aren’t shoes. I know it’s hard to take, but they’re not.

21. There comes a time when hobbies stop being just a nice thing to pop at the end of your CV, and start being the most precious part of your life. For me, that time is now.

22. If nature knew what it was doing, the banana tree would also grow chewing gum to eradicate the ‘like I’ve swallowed a compost heap’ feeling you get after eating a ‘nana.

23. There is nothing more fascinating than your own head for the first four hours after a hair appointment.

24. If only Cara Delevingne had been there to demonstrate the wonder of having full eyebrows in the mid-nineties, the brows of my generation would look very different.

25. Every person who is in love believes that THEIR love is greater than any other that has ever existed. Bless.

26. Friendship takes on a whole new dimension once you hit your late twenties when everybody finally admits how chuffing HARD life can be.

27. You don’t need to marry somebody rich or famous but you do need to marry somebody who will tell you when you’ve accidentally put together an outfit which makes it look like you’re wearing pyjamas.

28. Though it doesn’t sound like a life-altering discovery, when you find out that you can freeze herbs, it CHANGES YOUR LIFE.

29. There is no greater victory in life than beating somebody at a thumb war.

30. However mature you thought you were going to be by the time you got to 30, you were wrong.

4 things that happen when your name is Charlotte

04/05/2015 by Charlotte 2 Comments

A princess has been born and her name is Charlotte which, in my entirely biased view, was a very strong choice. My mum is delighted. She’s always been very proud of herself for having called me Charlotte – “You have such a good name,” she says, “I did SO WELL coming up with that,” as if she was the one to have invented the name in the first place, back in (a year that was most likely earlier than 1985 and my birth) and given it as a gift to new mothers. And now that it’s been selected for a new member of the royal family, well, she couldn’t be happier.

And with my first name being thrust into the limelight, – the like of which us Charlottes have not experienced since E.B White decided to name a pig friendly spider after us – now feels like a good time to let the new addition to our crew know what it’s like to be called Charlotte. In summary, if you don’t mind spending an awful lot of your life saying “Yep, that’s right, double T, E” then you’ll be just fine.

1. You have 300 different nicknames

Char, Chars, Charl, Chaz, Chazza, Chas ‘n’ Dave, Charlie Pants, Charlie Party, Charlie Brown, CharlieEEE HEEE! Charlotte’s web, Chuck, Chucky, Lottie, Lotto… and that’s just the ones I can remember. People see Charlotte as a loose starting point from which to create a nickname of their choice. And, as with all names, it’s up to you whether you want to get in there first with your own nickname, waltzing into a party full of strangers and announcing yourself – Hey guys, I’m Charlotte, but you can call be C-Dawg – or if you want to stick with the original and see what happens. Either way, it’s a risky business.

2. You discover it sounds an awful lot like ‘shut up’

You know when people are whispering in class when they shouldn’t be and somebody notices that the teacher is eyeballing you and says “Ssssshut uuup!'” under their breath? Yeah, well, if your name is Charlotte, you will think that person is talking to you. Spoken at speed, those words sound exactly like our name. And as soon as people find this out, well, you might as well just change your name to Shutup – because how many school-age children are going to bother calling you Charlotte when they know you’ll answer to that?

3. Your French teacher may suggest you call yourself Charles

I haven’t been to school for some time, due to my age and responsibility for paying bills, but when I was there, language teachers liked to give each pupil their own ‘French’ name, i.e. the closest thing they could think of to your name that somebody in France might consider calling their child. In my case this should have been simple – Charlotte is of French origin after all – but if you’ve ever tried to say it in a French accent you’ll know that it’s rather tricky; it requires a lot of saliva. But Charles is a lot easier. It’s basically just ‘Charl’ and you can throw in a raised eyebrow for added effect. It’s more masculine than Charlotte – sure – but it does roll off the tongue nicely.

4. Your phone will assume your second name is Church

Should you wish to use your phone to type about yourself in the third person, specify which type of potato you’d like to have for tea, or be so formal as to sign off with your name in a text message then, in these days of predictive messaging, your phone will assume that the next word you wish to type after ‘Charlotte’ will be ‘Church’, which, in my experience at least, is almost never the case.

On balance, it’s a very good name. A strong two syllables, a spelling most people can get their head around (except those individuals who think it starts with an S who, to be fair, do have a point) and, to top it all, there’s a dessert called a Charlotte. And if it’s good enough for a cake then it’s most definitely good enough for me.

Welcome to the club, little one.

16 things I’ve learnt from my mum

15/03/2015 by Charlotte 4 Comments

1. There is no situation that could not be improved by the involvement of a hot water bottle. A long car journey, a late evening trip to the movies, a stomach ache that just won’t quit – my mum’s got an HWB for every occasion.

2. A handbag should enable you to address any need that you, your friends, family or casual passers-by could identify. Got a headache? Worry not, she’s got her pouch of tablets. Need to freshen up? Well, would you like a Tic Tac or a Polo? Fancy a snack? Well, sure, but not before you’ve had a wash. You can choose between either hand sanitiser or wipes, which are stored in the specially purchased cleaning products purse. Turn your nose up if you like but if you want to eat you’re going to have to WASH THOSE HANDS.

3. When I’m not wearing mascara, I look unwell. If I had a pound for every time mum’s asked me “Are you ill or have you just not put your make up on yet?” then maybe I’d be able to afford to have my eyelashes permanently tinted and save us all a lot of trouble.

4. She may not always be able to hear what I’m saying to her when we’re sat next to each other, but she can hear me opening the fridge door from ANYWHERE.

5. Related: when we went to Japan last year, I bought my mum a small battery operated walrus that goes in the fridge and shouts something in Japanese every time the door is opened (presumably “Remember to close the fridge door!” or “That cheese has got to last all week, you know!”) It’s true, there really is such a thing as a perfect gift.

6. Greetings card occasions can creep up on you. But that isn’t a problem in our house, oh no. My mum has a special file that she keeps permanently topped up with all available types of cards to ensure that all possible greetings needs are met. Whether your friends have just had triplets or your neighbour is celebrating the completion of a new conservatory, my mum has got the card for you. She’s even offered to source cards for herself on a number of occasions but we have to draw the line somewhere.

7. Hands down, nobody’s washing smells better. Nobody’s.

8. Related: it might say ‘hand wash only’ on the label, but the exception to that rule is ‘mum wash’. I don’t know how she does it; I just know that I have so much confidence in her washing abilities that I’m pretty sure that even I would survive a spin in her machine.

9. Yogurts with the best sell-by date are always at the back of the shelf in the supermarket. Some things are worth getting a cold arm for.

10. That if my mum, my auntie and I are in the same room, the odds of being called by the correct name are extremely low.

11. That, no, I don’t need to leave the water running whilst I clean my teeth and, yes, I do care a lot more about wasting money now that I am responsible for the bills.

12. On a cold day, if one must leave the house, one should do so in jeans with tights underneath. No bug in no rug has ever felt so snug.

13. Come hell or high water, this woman will get her five-a-day. My mum can eat kiwis in a moving vehicle, apples in bed and bananas whilst cleaning the bathroom. Nothing gets between my mum and her fruit.

14. Little treats are the best. If my mum knows you like something, whether it’s a particular type of sweets or a brand of chocolate or, in my husband’s case, as much fudge as you can possible get your hands on, she will make sure she sends you off with some every time you see her. My treats bag also often includes a box of dishwasher tablets, which makes me happier than it probably should.

15. Receiving a hand written note from someone you love is one of the best things in the world. When I was at school on my birthday, my mum would slip a little note in my lunchbox to say ‘HAPPY BIRTHDAY!’ even though she’d obviously already said it to me that morning. I’d look forward to it every year. Similarly, if she ever left us alone in the house during the school holidays, she’d leave a note in the kitchen saying ‘Lunch in fridge please don’t make mess love mum x’ which I also enjoyed.

16. That the greatest thing you can do for another person is to never let them doubt for a single second that they are loved. I can only hope to nail this skill as well as she has.

Three handy phrases to live your life by

01/03/2015 by Charlotte 1 Comment

As this little gem from Miss Piggy proves, it can be helpful to have a few little go-to sayings to get you through the day.

‘All things must pass’ is a favourite of mine (thanks for that, George Harrison) as it comes very much in handy when on a delayed train journey, or facing a hard day or whilst chewing a bad choice of jelly bean. Of course, I like it a lot less when I’m doing something I really enjoy, like going on holiday or eating a bar of Fruit and Nut, but one must take the rough with the smooth.

‘Everything will look better in the morning‘ is another classic (thank you mum). And it’s true, except in the case of my fringe (if that were to have a phrase it would be ‘Everything will look weirdly eighties in the morning and need to be rinsed under a tap’). As somebody who loves to get angry late at night about things that a) don’t really matter and b) definitely cannot be resolved when everybody is so tired they can no longer see, I know that on the few occasions when I have managed to hold off mentioning them until the next day, my feelings have diminished significantly thanks to sleep. All of a sudden the washing basket no longer looks like OUR HOUSE IS ABOUT TO BE DROWNED IN PANTS! and more like p’raps we should pop a wash on, when we’ve got a mo.

And the third, which has scored a new high position on my list of late, is: ‘There is always more to it’. Allow me to demonstrate what this means through the use of an example:

When we were at university I rang my now-husband, then early-stage, absolutely-no-idea-what-he-was-letting-himself-in-for boyfriend, for some advice about a piece of work I was doing. Due to poor phone reception in his house, he used to have to walk down the road to talk to me (a level of effort one can only muster in the early days of a relationship) but on this occasion he didn’t do that, he just let the line continue to break whilst I rambled on about my work until I eventually said “Can you please just go outside, I am struggling with this essay that I have had eight weeks to write but have not started until now!” And then in a low and patient voice he said: “I dislocated my knee tonight, so I’m sorry but I can’t really walk.”

Like I said, there is always more to it. (And may I also recommend asking somebody how they are when you ring them, before launching into your demands).

I realise now that this statement applies to pretty much everything. When I don’t hear from a friend for a while, I am quick to wonder if perhaps they’ve decided that they no longer want to hang out with me, and that the joke I made last time we met up wasn’t funny at all, and just proved that I am a moron. Now, this could happen (my jokes are not always that well thought through although I ALWAYS laugh) but it’s more likely that people are just busy trying to deal with their lives – I know I am. If I haven’t replied to your email, or suggested a date to meet up or realised that just thinking about my response to a text message is not the same as actually sending one, it’s because there are other things going on that are keeping me from you, not some malicious intent to be ignorant. Who has time to incorporate that into their day?

Similarly when I’m ready to accuse my other half of purposely failing to replace the milk due to some long-held desire to deprive me of calcium, or of ignoring the pile of dishes in the kitchen because he believes I ‘enjoy’ cleaning up all our shite, I must remember that everything is not necessarily as it seems and that I should definitely wind my ridiculous neck in.

As always, we have to remember that most things just aren’t about us. There’s always more to it, and all we can do is learn to remember that, to ask how people are, and to pause before going completely barmy about something that probably has a perfectly reasonable explanation.

If somebody could just please remind me of that the next time it’s 11pm and I’ve noticed that there’s a toilet roll that still hasn’t been changed, I’d very much appreciate it…

And if you have any other little sayings like this that you find handy, I’d love to hear them!

2014 in review: 21 useful things I learnt this year

28/12/2014 by Charlotte 5 Comments

There’s a reason every single person on the internet is busy writing a 2014 round-up: because we all love to have an annual look-back on our lives.

We don’t make enough time for it. The most we allocate is a few seconds each day to realising that the tweet we wrote that morning wasn’t funny, or to regretting wearing that pair of tights that always falls down. It’s not really reflection, just instant short term regret.

So at this time of year when we’ve nothing to do but sit down, eat and watch Some Mothers Do ‘Ave ‘Em re-runs, we have the perfect opportunity to take a little glance over our shoulder at the year gone by and think about what we’ve done – for better or for worse.

I’m currently mentally preparing a strong list of resolutions (another ground-breaking blog post in the making) but I can’t do that until I’ve benefited from a little retrospect. So here it is – a few of the things I learnt in 2014. I hope you’ll find at least one or two of them useful.

1. Rhubarb is a delicious addition to a cocktail. ‘Tis super sweet, mind, but glorious if you don’t prioritise the health of your teeth. 2. There’s no better tune to dance around your house to than Does Your Mother Know by ABBA. Try it, I’m not wrong. 3. Japan is a marvellous place. The people are oh so friendly, the food is lush, and you don’t have to be a child to get into Disneyland Tokyo, thank GOODNESS. The only downside is that when your holiday’s over, you have to go home. 4. Kitchen refurbishments take longer than you think. It turns out that the novelty of ordering take-away can wear off. Who knew? 5. Writing in the morning is the nuts. You’re surprisingly awake and productive after a big night’s sleep. Well, DUH.

6. Good friends really come into their own in times of crisis. And for that I will always be grateful. 7. Some prawns contain histamine, which explains why I often get an itchy nose after a stir fry. I KNOW RIGHT. 8. Even highly successful, famous people feel like a bit of a dick sometimes, as I found out at this year’s Mumsnet Blogfest. So either suck it up or quit forever. That thick skin will keep you lovely and warm during the winter months. 9. Don’t forget to celebrate your achievements. I bought two pairs of boots with my first freelance monies and sing “These boots were paid by working” to the tune of “These boots were made for walking” whenever I wear them (even though it doesn’t really make sense). I didn’t get paid for being good at puns, OK? 10. Don’t be afraid to admit when you are struggling. There will always be somebody out there who can help you. Always.

11. Homemade fish and chips are delicious. However, deep frying them in a pan of oil without the use of a thermometer will set the smoke alarm off at least three times and make my husband – the most patient man in the world – completely lose his sh*t. 12. Tina Fey’s autobiography ‘Bossypants’ is the greatest thing that has ever happened. Seriously. 13. You’re never too old to just start crying because you’re too tired. All you can hope for is the wisdom to know that that is what’s the matter with you. Either that or a very patient spouse/friend who will work it out for you. 14. Mindfulness is the answer to so many of the world’s problems. If you haven’t tried it yet then I strongly recommend that you do. It’s hard work but wonderfully calming. 15. Drinking a whole bottle of champagne before cooking chicken satay will add an extra element of danger to proceedings (and possibly a little more chilli than you’d originally planned.) 16. Dyeing your hair a completely different colour is like putting on an invisibility cloak. My closest family and friends still struggle to recognise me. Shall I use my new powers for good or for evil?

17. Avocado is the greatest thing ever to happen to breakfast. That may be the most middle class thing I’ve ever said and I stand by it. 18. If you want to run a successful blog, you need a plan. It may have been the hottest weekend of the year but the time I spent at Blogcademy was unbelievably useful. Being a grown-up means being delighted to pay money to learn loads more stuff. 19. No longer reading The Metro and cutting down on my use of Facebook are two of the best decisions I have made all year. I now read more books and feel less bad about my social life. I believe they call that WINNING. 20. Never underestimate the power of the gift of a bag of sweets. Pure joy costs no more than £1.49. 21. Marriage is about holding each other up – sometimes physically – against whichever troubles, stresses or incompetent kitchen fitters happen to come your way. You must always be ready to put your arms out.

And you?

Dear Mum, as promised, here’s my Christmas list…

07/12/2014 by Charlotte Leave a Comment

1. A top to wear with jeans. Not cropped. (Not as young as I used to be).

2. Good quality tights. Should probably try a size medium, small ones keep falling down.

3. Socks. Black please. Can’t bear to spend my own money on something so boring.

4. Jumper. Not itchy. Put it up to your face to test it; if you get a rash, don’t buy it.

5. Knickers. Full cheek coverage please. Too cold and old for thongs.

6. Gloves to go with that scarf you gave me Christmas 2012 – can send photo if you don’t remember.

7. Woolly hat that will not give me hat hair – so not too tight or cone-like.

8. Fancy top I can wear out to dinner but that will also look nice with a cardigan if nippy.

9. Purse. Must be strong and have room for lots of receipts and loyalty cards. No smaller than a brick.

10. Winter dress for work – not so hot that I’ll pass out on the tube but warm enough to stop me getting piles. (Good luck with that).

11. Book by that woman we saw on This Morning that we both thought had nice hair. Will text if remember name or title.

12. Pyjamas. No animals please. Am newly married; too soon for full penguin coverage (sadly).

13. Hand cream. Large. Nothing that smells like ice cream (always end up tasting it and is always gross).

14. Good pen. Am serious writer, need serious tools.

15. Banana guard. Keep ruining handbags. (Will unwrap in private to avoid childish giggling).

Things I do not need:
– Umbrellas. Am overrun.
– Towels. Is like B&B round here.
– DVDs. Netflix innit.
– Jewellery. My necklace stand keeps falling over in the night and frightening us.
– Scarves. Got about 30 but still just the one neck.

Thanks v much. See you for Christmas! x

P.S Please don’t forget to get lots of Pringles. All flavours. (Don’t worry, I’ll take any leftovers home).

5 things that happen when you dye your hair a completely different colour

02/11/2014 by Charlotte 1 Comment

There is no relationship more turbulent than the one we have with our hair.

One minute we’re the best of friends, making each other look good at parties, working together to hide the inexplicable shine on our forehead, and the next it’s like we don’t understand each other at all. Our ends are split, our parting’s all over the place, and goodness only knows what’s going on with our fringe.

And sometimes we reach the end of our tether. And for me that came a couple of months ago. I’d been dyeing my hair blond for the best part of 16 years and it was time for a change. So I went to see my hairdresser, closed my eyes and hoped for the best.

And within the hour I was a brunette (fun fact: dyeing your hair brown takes a hell of a lot less time than blond highlights. Regardless of what you think of the colour, you can’t argue with that kind of time saving). And so started a fun few weeks of living with a whole new look. So if you’re thinking of giving it a go, here are a few things you can expect to happen:

1. You will become frightened of your own reflection
Nothing makes a person more obsessed with their own appearance than a change of hair cut or colour. You can spot them – they’re the ones sat chatting to a friend in a cafe whilst looking over their shoulder at their reflection in the window, or pretending to be paying really close attention to stirring their drink but actually staring at their face in the back of the spoon.

But don’t be too harsh on them, this isn’t all vanity you’re looking at – it’s fear. When you walk out of a salon with a head full of hair that’s a completely different colour or length from what you’re used to, it’s hard to feel anything other than startled for at least a week. I’d gasp when I caught a look at myself in a bus window, shudder at the sight of tin foil, and almost pass out when I woke up in the morning and looked in the mirror (although, to be fair, that is nothing new).

2. People will ask you why you did it and you’ll have no idea how to answer them
And that’s because you’d have thought your reasons were obvious – you wanted to, you thought it would suit you and because, you know, you only live once and you can always dye it back (if we all get behind it, #YOLOAYCADIB will definitely catch on). And the problem is that, regardless of what is actually meant by this question, it always feels like either:
– I don’t like it and can’t understand why you would do this to yourself; or
– I can only assume that you’ve had some kind of breakdown
So you can either try and convince them that it looks awesome, or pretend to cry and hope they’ll buy you some sweets to make you feel better. I don’t need to tell you which way I went *chews strawberry foam mushrooms*

3. Your dearest friends and family will not recognise you until you’re standing directly in front of their faces saying “HELLO, IT’S ME!”
For the first few weeks after I dyed my hair, I’m pretty sure that my husband woke up every day and wondered who the hell was lying next to him. I’ve heard it’s good to keep your other half on their toes, but making them think that a crazy stranger has broken in and got into bed with them is possibly taking it a little too far. But, on the plus side, if you’re trying to avoid somebody or enjoy scaring the bejesus out of people you know and love; this could definitely be the approach for you. I also recommend adding some dark glasses and a plastic nose for extra horror.

4. And some people don’t notice at all…

It’s incredible. You go from blond to brown, add a heavy fringe and a chunk of red lipstick and yet some people – people you’ve known for years and years and years – won’t notice at all. In some ways it’s quite nice – it’s pretty nerve wracking the first time you step out with a new look so it’s kind of nice to be treated like nothing has changed. But on the other hand, it makes you wonder what it would take to get a reaction – a full face lift? A second head? If only I had the money, I would find out in the name of research.

5. Sometimes you’ll wonder what the hell you were thinking

The problem with hair is that you never really know when you’ve nailed it. One day it looks good and you love it so much you want to swish it in the eye of all your haters, and the next you want to chop it all off and start again. This is just what it’s like to have hair, no matter what colour it is. So it’s better just to give it a good wash and a blow dry and remember that you actually do like it, you’re just overtired and paying too much attention to birthday cards that say “Blonds have more fun!”

Or otherwise, remember #YOLOAYCADIB

The inevitable list: 30 things I’d like to do before I turn 30

26/10/2014 by Charlotte 2 Comments

I will be 30 next July. THIRTY.

And, as is customary, I have written a list of things I would like to achieve by that time.

Is this just an opportunity for me to write down some funny thoughts I’ve had or is this an actual record of my hopes and dreams at this pivotal moment in my life? Or is it something in between. I’ll let you decide.

1. Find a mascara that remains on my eyelashes throughout the day. Not down my cheek, not – somehow – in the middle of my forehead, just on my eyes. Come on science, I’m on a deadline.

2. Remember once and for all that the phrase is ‘Off your own bat’ not ‘back’ and stop just saying ‘ba’ and hoping nobody notices.

3. Finally decide what type of book I’d like to write and START WRITING IT.

4. Do more drawing. I bloody love drawing. Stewie (top) needs some company.

5. Watch The Godfather Part II. No I haven’t seen it, yes I know it’s amazing, no I don’t know what I’ve been doing with my life, yes I have heard it’s better than the first one, no I don’t need to borrow your copy thanks, yes I have had this conversation a few times before.

6. Go to New York, get discovered as the next Carrie Bradshaw and commence living a disproportionately glamorous life considering the pittance I must surely earn from writing just one column per episode/week. I shall live the dream.

7. Find a black skirt that actually fits. This is definitely too ambitious in this time frame.

8. Learn how to cook an appropriate amount of potatoes to feed two people.

9. Buy a new pair of jeans. Oh god, I already can’t face it.

10. Spend more time at the wonderful British seaside. I love arcades, I love chips, and I love being at constant risk of having my entire lunch stolen by a seagull.

11. Start having the balls to say “I would like to be a writer who gets paid to write words, please!” when people ask me what I’d like to do with my life, and then have the additional balls required to make it happen.

12. Reduce my chocolate button consumption to just one bag per week NO I’M SORRY I CAN’T DO IT I TAKE IT BACK YOU CAN’T MAKE ME

13. Stop feeling the need to merge words together for my own amusement e.g. shoppurtunity, mumbrella, ex-snack-tly.

14. Never ever let anybody in the world know that – until the age of 24 – I thought that the direction of North, South, East and West changed depending on which way you were facing (like with left and right). This secret must die with me.

15. Go to the Lake District. I am an adult and I want to go for a walk.

16. Speak with confidence about where and what ‘East Anglia’ is.

17. Learn how to bake a cake that doesn’t break when I take it out of the cake tin. The GBBO crew would not think much of my presentation skills.

18. Sigh long enough and loud enough for my husband to FINALLY change the light bulb on our landing which broke three years ago. (I’m not tall enough to reach and – on principle – refuse to risk my life by standing on a step ladder to try.)

19. Stop being so passive aggressive.

20. Go to Budapest. The level of holidays on this list is already unrealistic.

21. Ooh and Istanbul.

22. Move this blog over to WordPress and make it look so good that the internet has to be completely redesigned to keep up with its wonder (or just so that maybe a few more people want to look at it. Either way.)

23. Either find a photography course and go on it or STOP GOING ON ABOUT IT.

24. Finally make a decision about what to do with my wedding dress. NB: Wearing it to other people’s weddings is not cool. I realise that now.

25. Invest in those blue Bertie brogues I keep dreaming about. The universe clearly wants us to be together.

26. Make an album of our wedding photos and have a physical reminder that there was indeed one day in my life when I wore the right thing to a party.

27. Get better at gardening. And by better I mean: actually do some gardening.

28. Learn once and for all that lying down whilst watching a film – no matter how enthralling – is a one way ticket to Sleepy Town.

29. Watch the end of all the films I’ve missed due to the above. (Current count: 732)

30. Organise an excellent party. And by excellent, I mean one that involves lots of sitting down, chatting, and a guarantee that we’ll all be tucked up in bed by 11.30pm. At our age we need all the beauty sleep we can get.