Make you a pie, wash you a sock, comfort you when the little men you like don’t kick the ball where you want them to kick it… but we won’t do that.
And by that I mean – give up our pyjamas.
Yes, I come bearing one of the deepest, darkest secrets of the lady universe. I can’t tell you why we get so damn angry once a month (I DON’T KNOW, OK?!), or why it takes us so long to get ready (I fear the truth would shatter your illusions) but I can tell you why our bedwear is so important to us.
We might try and fool you into thinking that we’re pretty young things 24 hours a day at the start of a relationship when we have the energy, will and fear of loneliness to keep us going, but pretty soon the truth will out. Just as you like to strip down to a humble boxer short and sleep like a starfish ’til morn, we too like to relax just once – JUST ONCE – a day. If you want the lady in your life to be happy just accept that pyjamas are absolutely non-negotiable. Here’s why:
1. Breathing is good for you
According to fashion, rib restricting clothing is the key to sexual appeal. I don’t know if you’ve ever worn a pencil skirt, ‘waist defining’ tights or jeans that represent your goal, rather than actual, weight, but they’re not kind to the breathing apparatus. Sure, they look good (apart from the jeans, but a girl’s got to have goals) but they hurt like hell. And so, it is only right that when we lay our heads of a night time, we do so in loose fitting, stomach friendly PJs, that allow us to breathe for just a few hours without fear of popping a button.
2. Sleep isn’t meant to be sexy
Have you ever seen what we look like when we sleep? I mean really sleep? I can only drift off if I have my face pressed into the pillow, and the rest of my body spread front first onto the mattress. It’s not a pretty sight but hey, guess what? I’m not doing it for you – I’m doing it because getting up, washing, dressing, going to work, squeezing through a million people to get a seat on the train home, having dinner, and then eating a full bag of giant chocolate buttons is EXHAUSTING. And the only thing that makes it better is the promise of ill-fitting, animal print covered PJs and a few hours rest from real life. If you want us to be sexy, we’re going to need a nap first.
3. Nighties are a nightmare
Whilst a nightie may look momentarily fetching when we get into bed, by the time we wake up – no matter how still we stayed during the night – it will have ridden up around our necks, almost strangling us in our sleep. It makes us feel like a child who doesn’t yet realise that pulling up your dress to show the world your knickers is unacceptable behaviour. They’re also about as warm as wearing a tissue to bed i.e. not warm enough.
4. PJs hide a thousand sins
When we’re sat in a restaurant chewing on a chocolate brownie we should never have ordered following the cheese heavy starter and main we consumed because ‘Hey! It’s Thursday!’, we can at least be confident that all the evidence – the bloating and the stomach rubbing – will be hidden as soon as we get home and slip into something with an elasticated waist. I can’t tell you how many gluttonous nights and self-induced stomach aches have been cured by a quick change into my pyjamas and the strategic placement of a hot water bottle.
5. It doesn’t mean we don’t love you
You might think that if a woman gets into bed with you wearing trousers with a saggy bottom, a button up flannel shirt and thick socks, it means that she has lost interest in you, but you’d be wrong. This actually means that she loves you enough to let you see us at her most ridiculous, her least manufactured, and therefore her most content. You should consider the fact that she’s willing to let you see her when she’s truly comfortable a privilege… even if observing the two inch gap between her pyjama trouser leg and the top of her sock is something you’d rather have missed.
So there you have it. May women sleep soundly tonight in top-to-toe plaid, secure in the knowledge that their men now understand why it matters to them so much.
And men – having heard the benefits of sporting PJs, I imagine you’re on your way out to get your own pair. Why should girls have all the fun, eh?